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Coronavirus: A Gateway to Freedom and the “New” New World

July 28, 2020
The March of the Mask
         To some of us, Coronavirus measures are a form of Conscription into a war we do not believe in. We did not want to enlist in this battle. It is not that the threat was not plausible, but rather the measures were disproportionate to what was tangible. If one case created this threat, how does a world of almost 8 billion isolate this down to extinction? I understood the demands on healthcare but for people like me, there were not enough facts to justify the actions. Also for people like me, freedom is synonymous with being alive.
In Canada, far more lives are severely impacted by alcohol abuse. Over 19% of Canadians describe themselves as heavy drinkers, We have over 15,000 deaths and 90,000 hospital admissions directly related to alcohol abuse every single year. Compared to 8900 Corona deaths that is a staggering number. And yet we still consume and sell alcohol. We still accept every young person is going to try it, even knowing it is a game of Russian roulette. To compare the death toll in Canada to the USA, we are roughly 10% of their size. That would extrapolate to 150,000 alcohol related deaths, yet their estimated annual alcohol related deaths is at 88,000.  That is still an extremely concerning number but it certainly shows Canada has a problem. Alcohol abuse is growing in both countries, accumulating more lives every single year. Where are the cries for prohibition?…….No worries, I am a free willer, I am not starting a movement.
We know that stress, unhealthy eating and lack of exercise are common factors in being afflicted with heart disease, stroke, diabetes, cancer etc. Yet still we take our chances. There is a significantly greater likelihood of death by any one of the above then there is from the virus. The vast majority of us have control over all of these things within our own choices. The strange part is, many of us never choose to exercise our free will in these areas. Instead we opt for a magic pill to save us if need be. 
And this is what drives those of us who value freedom crazy. There is so much we can do to take responsibility for our own lives and actions. Yet todays common wisdom or lack of, is that people feel entitled to have everyone else be responsible for their health and happiness. This is, and always should have been about extending assistance, support and resources to those at risk and those that felt at risk. That is how we act with compassion and kindness. Not by force but by natural human empathy. Not by demanding one portion of society pay dearly to alleviate the fears of the other. 
While some people are at home enjoying extended paid vacations, or isolating without physical, financial or emotional concerns: Others are losing life, home, businesses and retirement savings. Where is the compassion for them? Do their lives not matter? Many do not want sympathy and charity, they want their right to self determination.
If you really want to try and grasp the great divide of the mask, the lockdown or the threat of mandatory vaccination you have to be willing to remember the mindset of the early settlers in North America. They came here to be free of British rule or other forms of oppression in their native homes.
Now 250-400 years ago, immigrating to the USA or Canada, “The New World”,  was not like it is today. You did not purchase a ticket on your preferred mode of transportation. You did not have the perfect job lined up and you did not have the excitement of house hunting for the dream home most appealing to your dharma.
What you did have was a desperate desire to be free and own your own property. They were tired of living in serfdom and wanted the right to self determination. Some people headed to the promised land to avoid incarceration or a death sentence. Some had an overwhelming sense of adventure, they were willing to die for their thrill seeking. In those days people were willing to die just to actually live. 
Their adventure began with avoiding disease at sea, capsizing in extreme weather, running into uncharted shoals. Should they survive the trip and make it to land; they had to contend with clearing forests with hand tools, building shelter, finding food, and unforgiving winters. Chances are their travel companions were not always aware of the golden rule. Life was a different type of fear back then, it was called survival and you had to always be on guard.
Today however, with diversity, education and information sharing, a new North American is being crafted. What we once celebrated as desirous has come to represent medievalist behaviour in the eyes of the new guard. As the new conspire to hurry the change, we “Free Willers” are reeling in shock. If we are not stunned by the lines being crossed, then we are crying over what we once cherished being considered disposable. If we are not crying we are angry or worse yet, numb. Although open to change in the form of compassion, health and knowledge: Freedom is still the basis of our identity. We are the true believers in Live and let Live, a philosophy the world desperately needs right now. 
We don’t march in parades telling people what to think, but we do stand up in the moment when integrity and courage are called for. We don’t tear down another’s house for their thoughts. We don’t wish harm to those we disagree with. We are charitable in our acceptance of another’s right to choose. 
Every generation has their meddlers and controllers, every one of us has been guilty from time to time of being one. The world of today however, seems to hold the need to control others as a virtue and not see it as the weakness it truly is. Our need to control another is the dark shadow of fear operating within us.  

When we try and dismiss each other’s voices then we stoke the fire. The answer to heal the divide is not in determining who is right; it is in establishing a mutually appealing vision of what is right for all of us. It is inclusive and respectful. When people are being asked to suffer at the expense of the others security or desires, then it is not the right vision.

If the “American Empire” is to survive and not be a footnote like the Roman Empire then a “New” New World must be considered. The one thing the early settlers had in common was a vision of freedom, self determination and a commonality in faith. If you think about the founding principles of most countries, they were united in faith. The division in America may look political but the theology vs secular component is often the root cause.
 According to the late Dr. Alexander Tyler who published the Athenian Republic, the worlds greatest civilizations only last around 200 years. He penned the 8 cycles of democracy to describe the phases. The order he lists is.
  1. From bondage to Spiritual faith
  2. From spiritual faith to great courage
  3. From courage to liberty
  4. From liberty to abundance
  5. From abundance to selfishness
  6. From selfishness to apathy
  7. From apathy to dependence 
  8. From dependency back into bondage.                                                              
It feels to me like we are sitting in position number 8- From dependency back into bondage. I am a great believer in choosing how we perceive things, so although bondage Feels like a form of torture to me; the idea that I might witness the beginning of the cycle from bondage to spiritual faith holds appeal. We have an opportunity to create an even better world.  My hopes are on the new age spiritual faith movement that has been seeded over the past couple of decades. It allows for all faith within a common theme of the golden rule, love and unity. We are all unique individuals but our paradise is found in hope and opportunity for all. This is where America either heals with a new vision or implodes in its division.
Spirituality is the journey to the higher self. It embraces science and faith and is open to all forms of religion and faith based learning. We are energy beings. Spirituality seeks to uncover the source of that energy. We are born with intuition, a sixth sense that offers wisdom we can access. Spirituality desires to strengthen and evolve in a world of endless possibilities. Operating from a heart centred, peaceful, victimless, position of personal choice and responsibility. Not self centred and materialistic, but kind, loving and wisdom seeking.


The way to that paradise is through forgiveness. Forgiving the past and moving forward in trust and abundance for all people. I see this as a time where we stop the insanity of doing the same things over and over and seek a new solution. We have been following and sharing our anger and resentments. We are filled with victimhood or guilt and shame. We are falling into the abyss of the virus of fear. It is eating away at us from within. We can keep feeding on that stuff or we could choose to create a vision instead.
The world is way out of balance right now. In energy healing terms, of which science concludes we are made of energy: We need to get our chakras back into alignment. Let’s focus on opening up that crown chakra to a loving world of abundance, hope and possibilities for everyone. We Free Willers are easy to work with. We love truth and aspire for the best possible outcome for all.

Our intentions are pure

May 13, 2020

Until someone chooses to look within, their life will remain a travesty. A series of unfair and cruel events. Moments of happiness and joy, surrounded by dullness and duty. A repetitive cycle of doing and being done to. Void of inspired creation and knowledge. They will miss the unspoken beauty in this gift of life and never find meaning. They will spend their days reacting and never find their purpose in their creations.
Authors opinion? Of course, but the opinion of one who has walked in many shoes and experienced a gamut of emotions and life. I have made life changing mistakes that led to powerful epiphanies. Events large enough to shatter ones will to keep going, followed by miracles that left me standing in awe of life’s offerings. This is not to say I have drank from every cup and played every note; rather I have followed enough fear, known enough pain and lived enough chaos to recognize the patterns. 
I have fallen and risen on my own until all that could save me was Divine intervention. I clawed and fought my way through darkness; bruised, angry and lost…..helpless. Always refusing to let go of what I thought was right, but which was in fact holding me down. Until I discovered the truth. I saw my real enemy was my own shadow. What was tracking me, haunting me was not the monster before my eyes, it was always the handicap of inner blindness that creates the illusion of darkness. I was given the opportunity to let go of the fear that had been learned, and begin anew in the light of what I desired. True connection and pure love. You are not my enemy, what you do, you do for you. Sometimes guided by fear as I had been guided by fear. Fighting to fill the hole within you as I was also striving  to fill the emptiness. 
We are not born in darkness, we are brought into the light. The darkness comes when we continuously feed the needs of the ego and ignore the soul. Instant gratification, acceptance, respect, love but not love in its purest of forms; rather love in appearance not depth. We are taught to search for our needs outside ourselves instead of filling our cup within. When we search within, we find the truth of who we are and the answer to our needs. We find our owners manual, our operating system. The more we come to understand ourselves, the easier it becomes to navigate through life’s emotional currents. 
The heart and mind that have connected with their soul are not at the mercy of the opinion of others. You come to know outside influences have no power over you unless you allow for such fear. When your heart beats in connection with your breath of life; you are moving in sync with the spirit of your creation. You instinctively know and recognize fear. Your awareness allows you the choice to not let fear be your guide. You have protection and access to all truth and wisdom when you remain connected to the Divine love within. Connected to the source of your energy. The actions of others do not dictate your feelings, you do. You become aware that all the power you need is within. The power and control over your own thoughts and actions.
Imagine living without fear? Knowing that irregardless of the swirling winds of change around you, you will land where you are meant to be. It is a thought process that changes absolutely everything. You cannot prove this untrue, but I can prove that choosing to live under that belief will remove fear and bring peace of mind. You will not suffer beyond what you choose to suffer from. The outside circumstances may be terrible, but the inner wisdom will guide you through it if you can learn to trust and believe. When you know without an ounce of fears doubt, that everything happens for you and not to you: Then everything that is placed before you becomes a gift. There are no coincidences, only sign posts and messages. Love abounds. 


The spiritual journey is about knowledge and learning to love. When we come to accept and love our unique and limitless selves, we learn to allow and truly love others. The world becomes like sunlight dancing on the water. A united powerful body glistening with billions of individual sparkles. Tiny lights dancing with unabashed joy unhindered by judgment. Brilliant energy in constant flow. A pictorial metaphor for the potential of the human spirit united in love.



Don’t let fear dictate what makes you happy

I am not just choosing, I am compelled to share what years of dancing with  fear has taught me. What I have lived and read and consumed through others.  What I have spent so much time pondering. I did not consciously choose to become an expert in the actions of fear, my journey chose it for me.   I finally saw fears slight of hand. I know how the tricks are performed and how the illusions are created. And I know how deceitful and hard to recognize fear can be; because fear once owned almost every part of me. 



Fear has many disguises that it will use to create disharmony. Doubt, anger, resentments, low self esteem, the need to control, mistrust, guilt, shame. Fear creates the battle ground. The perceived threat and the call to unjust action. Your soul knows when your actions are wrong, when mistakes have been made. It will whisper to you lovingly and softly. But fear is loud and speaks with urgency. Fear is formidable by design; so you cannot easily see through its facade. It would rather help you find ways to justify errors then take responsibility or admit to a mistake. It convinces you that mistakes are worthy of punishment. That even though you have never encountered a situation, being wrong is unforgivable. Fear wills to keep the battle raging so you cannot find enough peace and stillness to hear your inner wisdom and know its sanctuary. So truth cannot find its way to your stream of consciousness.
In the material world without faith: Fear would have you hold your brothers and sisters in contempt while you are the one wielding the sword around their heads. Fear will have you convinced that the unthinkable is acceptable because you are right, that you are only defending and have no other recourse. Fear will allow you to dismiss another’s rights and life as inconsequential because they do not value your needs as much as you value your needs. Fear will blind you, it always has and it always will until you are willing to face the truth. It is you that gave fear its power, because you have no faith in the actions of love. Because you have no faith in who you are. 
You give lip service to the world you desire to live in. A world of love and peace, of respect and honour. A world where no one need suffer, go hungry, or be alone. You could have that world if you were willing to have faith and let go of control. But you are not content with that world when it is offered, you want the one that is built the way you would build it.  The one that you control and the one that revolves around your beliefs, needs and demands. It’s a grown up version of barbies where everyone thinks and behaves as you would have them. Everyone is happy, because everything works out as you directed. It is your lack of perceived control that haunts you and leaves you empty. You are always empty because things do not materialize as you would have them. Your lack of vision makes you ungrateful, for you have no substance in what you seek. Your lack of faith, lack of willingness to search within and meet your soul. Your spirit of truth and love. You will do anything not to have to face that truth. That life could be something other than what you dictate it must be.
Without letting go of the need to control, you will always be led by fear. To learn to accept life as it plays out, that is where real peace is found. To accept the gifts in the form they are offered and not as you would have them is where true happiness lies. To love, to learn to truly love is to learn to allow. To meet someone and see the beauty within, to stand in their energy and know the magnificent and brilliant life force that is shining beneath the surface. It is a world of magical possibilities when we choose to look deeper. When we choose to accept without judgment. To allow; to know that we all make mistakes but we are all worthy of love. It is the lack of knowing love within that creates the environment for hate to manifest. Love is continuously extended through giving and receiving, when that chain is broken in one of us, it impacts all of us. It interrupts the flow of the river. 
You think we are at war, that our differences are irreconcilable. We exchange talking points but never hear one another. We are both convinced we are in the right, that our position is one of logic and compassion. What we cannot comprehend is how the other could possibly think what it is they think. That is where our blindness leads us astray. We do not take the time to put ourselves in their position. We do not try to understand why one would believe different than ourselves. And even when we do, we dismiss their stance as being wrong regardless, because we know better. We were taught or learned the correct way.

What if we were both right? What if the problem had nothing to do with the tools we were fighting over? That we were both using the correct tools for the job. Our real problem was  one of us had plans for building a steel temple, and the other had blue prints for a wooden church. We never communicated a combined vision, we never discussed our desires and we never took into consideration the needs, beliefs and lives of all concerned. 

A Course In Miracles teaches that Every single problem has a solution where no one need suffer at the expense of another. If they do, than it is not the solution. I take that lesson into every dispute and chaotic situation I encounter. Without fail I have discovered the problem is never what the argument is about and the answer is never found in the fog of the battlefield. To rise above is to seek truth. To look again from a different perspective. To seek truth is to love and have compassion for all life. 
Living without fear is as simple as choosing to not follow negative thoughts. Choosing to remove yourself from situations where fear is being promoted. Choosing to stand up against fear. Speak out against harsh words and judgments. It is not being willfully blind, it is willfully choosing to live in a world guided by love. Love as your guide, your internal compass. What that looks like to you, is what makes it your journey. You are a unique soul within a powerful body of love. An energy that is connected to all life with its own unique part to play. Your emptiness is filled when you begin to recognize and embrace you have a purpose.



Should you choose to embark on a journey to love; if you commit to it, you will never go back to easily following fear. You will begin to discover parts of you forgotten, discarded or perhaps never known. You will begin to discover increased courage and empathy. You will begin to understand how empowering it is to let go of the need for control. How trust and forgiveness are enlightening and freeing. Your heart will feel light where it once was heavy. You will begin to easily make decisions and know they came from your higher self. You will act and live without regret. Guilt and shame will no longer follow; as you no longer let fear lead. You will learn the beauty of living in the moment and let go of the pain from the past and the anxiety of tomorrow. Judgment and punishment will hold no value for you. You will see past the fear that holds people in contempt and gravitate to the love that changes lives. You will come to know there is nothing in this world worth anything if it is not love. The fear of death disappears when you connect to the guidance of your soul. You do not desire death, but you do not wish to waste any of life’s precious moments under the direction of fear. You will stop seeking control to change others, and you will understand all of the control you ever needed was to change what needs to change within. 
You were given free will for jurisdiction over your own actions. That choice and the air you breathe are the only entitlements born unto you. They are all you need to carve out the adventure of your dreams.  Do you follow fear and try to direct and control everything to suit your needs? To have everything just so for you? Or do you follow love and know the cycle of your life will unfold as it was meant to? A world where everything is happening for you and not to you. You are exactly where you are meant to be right now. There is nothing that cannot be forgiven and that love cannot heal. 
The war is never about the issue at hand. The war always begins when we seek control outside ourselves. When we feel threatened and seek safety and security where it does not exist. War will always permeate in a world without faith. The answer is not hidden, it rests openly in front of us. When we forgive and learn to trust. When we stop giving in to the demands of fear. We will finally come together in love and build that world of hope and possibilities. We will finally understand what it means to be made of energy. An energy that can move seamlessly and joyfully in unison when it looks to its source for answers. The spirit, the soul, the love within. 

Embracing my Gypsy Soul

September 12, 2019

My Gypsy soul is rising, no longer content to rest in mundane comfort.

This sail must open for the winds of passion to unfold its aching heart.

The repetitive dance of the material world.

The same four steps in a circle of insanity.

Toxic noise and clamour.

Life’s ego driven calamity.


Gypsy Soul, do what your heart was called to do. 

Skip, dance, create and love your way to that enchanted Forrest of golden dreams.

Let them judge and laugh at your rebirth, you were born again. 

Broken free from the time I tried to tame you. 

When I extinguished your flame so you might fit in, 

The time when I left smouldering the once brilliant life force within.



Gypsy Soul, A higher realm awaits you. A place where the light is remembered.

Where life is experienced and explored not controlled and shamed.

The house where thought and mysticism are wrapped arm and arm, hand in hand. 

Intertwined and moving jointly towards truth and beauty.

The exploration of higher consciousness, seeking the knowing of the why.

The wisdom of the Universe, the energy of our being, the source of our love.


Gypsy Soul, dance unabashedly in the freedom of your will.

Let the moonlight caress your heart and the sun ignite your spirit.

Feel and delight in the oneness of all but embrace the completion of you.

For no step is as big and profound as the one you take now: 

Until you take the next one. For that is all you had, all you have now, and all you will ever have.

The thoughts, intentions and beliefs you hold as you set sail into tomorrow.


Inspired by Van Morrison Into the Mystic

Faith, Featured, Higher Power, Hope, Love, Uncategorised

Outing myself

December 20, 2018

I am struggling with this piece. In my heart the story is poignant and beautiful. Moving it to words it becomes cumbersome and fearful. It is of course my lifetime of fear over the subject that makes this so difficult.

I am finally coming to terms with being gay. I find it incredibly awkward stepping out of a closet I have never set foot in. Perhaps I will borrow a term from the younger crowd and call this the “pre “. I don’t like labels and I never understood the need to announce it. Yet here I am announcing that I am looking into and stepping out of the proverbial closet.

Why? What insanity has caused me to do this? Aside from the fact many knew before I did. It’s so I can finally live.  So I stop trying to manufacture romances that will never work. So I can finally just breathe and laugh and say “Yup, it’s true, It only took me 4 decades to figure it out.”  I admit, I am very much afraid of all of this. I keep wanting to add a “but”or a “maybe”. Of course I can change my mind, but it’s exhausting to keep trying to create substance from illusions.  I need to know that whenever true love calls (You will note I am saying when and not if) I won’t miss it because it doesn’t fit my vision of what I think it should look like. I also need to stop going out to parties and dances pretending I am someone else (Insert funny night cap joke here.)

As a child, it was the words of hate shouted on the playground and reiterated through the mouthes of adults that helped mold my view of myself. Maybe not who I was, but certainly I heard and understood who I did not want to be.

I used to believe it was a choice. As a teenager and then young woman I chose not to be. Why choose to be something the world did not embrace. Something awkward. That was not the type of attention that was going to give me the feeling of belonging that I longed for.

Holding me back even more was the question of sin. I could never resolve what this God in my heart willed for me. As I look back I can honestly say this was my biggest hurdle. The God in my youth had loved me and held me through some troubling times. As a child there was no doubt in my mind of his existence. That relationship began to change in my mid to late teens. It was the beginning of my hidden walk of shame. I buried my uncomfortable secret deep within me. I began building the walls and donning the armour. I would not be this terrible thing and I would not let God down. Of course it did not work. I could never completely escape my truth. I had to let God go, which in turn meant turning my back on love and God.

After decades of living my life like it was a choice, I can finally say without question it is not a choice. This is who I am. I tried, and believe me when I say “Lord” knows I tried. I lived obliviously from 15 – 55 trying to find myself in everything but love. Fiercely competitive I loved winning, mastering sports made me feel good about me. Driven in business, promotions made me feel good. Building a business, that made me feel ever so good. I am self sufficient, I can help others, I am in control. Self will and strength. I was giving. Always trying to give joy and comfort and money. Passion to fill that hole inside me was incessant, except I never knew what to fill that hole with. Never knowing or understanding love beyond friends and family. Motherly and brotherly. I never saw the power and the beauty that were to be found in the highest loves and the most vulnerable loves. Life was ever so big to me, but romantic love seemed like a little side dish for the weak if so desired. I never saw my refusal to receive as an indicator of how unworthy I truly felt. I was running from the immense pain of my inner turmoil. No Eros and no Agape.

I was 50 the first time as an adult I realized I was attracted to a woman. It was not physical but rather a very deep connection on a soul level. I believed it was Divinely inspired and it was the impetus for massive wholesale changes in my life. First and foremost was reconnecting with the God In my heart. Second was the beginning of a journey to learn to love and honour myself. The healing that took  place in my heart and soul manifested in my physical and mental health. Shockingly so. The speed in which the changes came was unfathomable. Friends and family alike were staring in disbelief. It was nothing short of a miracle and I will never forget or turn my back on those truths again. I was being given a second chance and I was not going to let it go to waste.


We are all made of energy. Everything changed when I saw the connection and followed the source of joy. The bulk of the visual changes took 5 months. I was not focused on my looks, I was being carried in Divine love.


Inspired by all of these changes I wrote a book about my life and spoke about this event in a chapter titled “The Intervention”.  When I launched the book in 2016 I was still pretty sure that I was not gay and my feelings for that woman were solely for the purpose of learning to love myself. My feelings subsided as I knew they would. Needing to protect the anonymity of the woman who was an innocent bystander in my book I knew I had to talk to her about it. Whether or not she ever spoke of it made no difference. What mattered is I could now honestly say to those asking – She knows and that’s all that matters.

I began applying the principles of living from love and searching for my higher self in every situation. I desired truth and connection, yes I use that crazy term “what would love do”? What I often shunned as a weakness I learned to embrace as the worlds most powerful force. Love was winning the battle with my ego, fear was beginning to fade.

However, if you thirst for truth, the lessons never stop coming.  Just when I thought I had shed all of my heavy armour and was truly starting to feel whole and healed, it happened again. Another woman captured my heart sending me swirling into months of solitude and confusion. Leading up to that I had dated three different men, all of whom matched a different vision I had for what my soul mate might be like. None of whom were able to fill any sense of romance or excitement in my heart. How perfectly positioned it all was. Everything I thought I desired was placed before me. What sent butterflies from my soul was that which I still tried to deny.

I spent this past year soul searching. My biggest obstacle in being able to embrace being in love with a woman was not so much the opinion of society. It was and always would be, how could I resolve this with the God of my youth. I had to go back 40 years and understand the fear and the feelings or beliefs of right and wrong. I had to look at sin and my renewed faith and ask how do I resolve the conflict. Is this my ego or my soul? Is this real truth and knowledge or is it brainwashing and fear? I could not find comfort in asking others for there was only one place I would accept the answer from.

I sat in broken vulnerability for many months. Loves immense power was written all over my shattered heart. I had never felt so lost. I wanted to turn my back on it, so tempted was I to go back to my old ways. For all of its power and beauty, love hurt and I needed to make it go away. If I dismiss these feelings and make love irrelevant or this person a villain I don’t have to suffer this pain.  I was acutely aware of the hole within me. Acknowledging  I had to fill this on my own but to try and do it without the tools of the ego I had relied on my whole life. I had to learn to be whole completely on my own and allow myself to love. Numb would have been easier. Running, dismissing, ignoring and self medicating all offered themselves to me. I had come to far to give up and go back to my old ways. If I wanted a different result I had to do life different.  Somehow, even in sorrow I managed to let love remain.


A lesson in love

A lesson in love

In the midst of my months of soul searching I made a visit to my favourite spot at the lake. There on a boulder next to my bench lay a little rock  with the words “Be filled” painted on it. I was so taken aback by the timeliness and perfection of the message, it made me cry. They were strong tears, tears of knowledge that the universe was sending me love. Sadly, my ego did not let me keep that rock. It instantly went to the thought that I should leave it for someone who really needs it. Like I did not?  I took a picture and left the rock. My refusal to receive mirrored my greatest obstacle to love. Love makes me vulnerable and I didnt know how to live with that. This powerful piece in the puzzle that is life. This opened my eyes to just how much fear I had attached to love.

Being filled is a life long journey. I once heard somebody say they tried to fill this God sized hole with everything but God.  I realized that my healing begins and ends with faith. Since I have now established deep in my heart that this is not a choice I can finally accept my Divine design. I was created this way. I thought about this God of my understanding. This mysterious loving power that had saved me and opened my eyes to love. I realized there is no way he would place me on earth and say…..Go live your life and love, but understand you will never be capable of knowing love without going against me. No God of love would do that. So I began to start trying to accept all of me without the guilt or shame.

Even though profoundly aware of my inability to choose who I fell in love with, I was still not able to let go and take this leap of faith. I had been asking and praying to God and my Mother in heaven for some type of sign to tell me it was okay. That I was on the right path as it related to love. That I may find love in this body in this lifetime. Dimes, feathers and eagle sightings were not enough. I needed more or I would never find peace.

In October I was at an event where a medium was sharing messages from spirit. Full disclosure, I do know her but she certainly had no knowledge about my prayers. As the event was winding down, and after watching her touch on so many uncanny truths with others. Out of the blue she said “Wendy, I have a message from your Mother. She says you are on the right path and Divine time is soon.”  The earth moved. To receive the answer for the question I had been asking God in quiet prayer. To hear it worded in the words I used. The magnitude of that moment is still holding me off the ground. I finally found peace, permission to know and embrace whatever love held my heart.

The freedom, and the joy and the relief have been cathartic. How bright does the light shine when you have lived in the dark for 40 years. When you have been searching and finally see what it is you have been searching for.

When you learn to love and believe in yourself for who you are, and not who you think you should be- You will know joy. I spent many years unconsciously trying to trade myself for a better version of me. I may not have wanted to be anyone else, but I did try to be the version of me I thought the world would accept. Not today. Today I am happily making peace with my soul. I feel more powerful in my vulnerability then I ever did in my ego. Although I can’t say I embrace the lessons of unrequited love, especially when I have waited a lifetime to feel butterflies in my stomach. I can say that I believe in miracles, Divine time, and destiny. I found courage, hope and love growing from the wounds in my heart. My life has felt blessed and magical ever since I chose to accept, to receive, to be filled.

My next book still in the works is presently titled Birthing God

Agape- Love and light



Faith, Featured, Higher Power, Hope, Uncategorised

Escaping my ego

December 4, 2018


Below is an excerpt from my latest book “Birthing God”. It is based on 4 years of what started as spiritual R&D and quickly turned into powerful lessons from faith.

In parts of the book I discuss different events and use the journaling/ poetry/ thoughts I wrote at the time to capture the fear as it existed in that moment. I show the actions of faith I blindly surrendered to and how the outcomes have brought me peace, joy and happiness where logic dictated there was none to be had.

Escaping my ego captures my vulnerability a couple of years ago when I was trying to decide between selling my struggling business to save myself, or going into a risky partnership that might save jobs if circumstances proved ideal. Conventional business wisdom said sell, my soul said different. I listened to my soul and chose the partnership which I initially thought ended ugly. As the dust begins to settle, a new truth is unfolding. The unexpected gifts and revelations will be in the book. Life truly is a journey in learning to love.


I stand here amidst the chaos of my thoughts, wondering which avenue do I choose . I feel the anger and the resentments rising in my throat, hurling words against the walls that are slowly caving in around me. No, I will not go there. But go there I must, for the lifelines have all been used -except the last two. They are tangled and knotted. I don’t have the strength or the desire to fix them, and once they are gone, there will be nothing. But alas there will be need again, it has been written, it has been promised.  As I look toward the future as a woman of logic, I know only a warrior would remain in this place, and I am no longer willing to feed that beast.

The ego stirs the flames- are you a quitter? Are you a pacifist? What captain abandons the sinking ship, what woman of courage would walk away?I do not know the answer, but the anger and resentments are killing me. The demands were not invited, were never part of the original dream. But they exist, they are here and if fairness were was not such a laughable goal, I could holler it is not fair and expect the world to make it right. 

So I sit and I stare at the mess before me. I am frozen and dare not move. No human would ever choose to stay in this moment, but looking left and looking right, the options are no better. Perhaps they are worse- and then what? Looking to the future, what a horrifying sight. Me, curled up in a ball while the world looks on in judgment. See what you did! To us, to them, to everyone. You did this, you had the control and you let this happen. No, I dare not look there. I have seen what people do who have looked upon that sight. It is not pretty and many are no longer with us. So where does my gaze go? There is only one place, one choice to make.

I look up. It is what we must do, we people who have lost everything. We lie on the ground in agony, and wonder why we are now filling our fingernails with dirt? Are we trying to find a deeper bottom. Are we striving to find a hotter hell? Is this why we set our sights on what lies beneath the dirt? Falling is all we have known of late. We are comfortable knowing we did not die yet, but we are terrified of looking up. Terrified to be made a fool and see the answer was and always will be what we have mocked and dismissed as poppycock!

So I look up defiantly. I say pacifist, quitter! I give up. The words come out of my mouth and I do not like the taste. But what else do I do? I am done digging in the dirt. I know what lies there. I know inside that anger and resentment, each filthy piece of soil inside my fingernails holds the makings of my grave. Pacifist, why does that word seem so ugly? It is the echo of my ego and I struggle to choke it down. These are not my words, this is not the way I have chosen to live. The light, the love and the kindness, this is where I have been living and I know it is my faith that is wavering. I am blind and I cannot see the outcome. It is fear that makes these hands reach towards the dirt. That is the direction I would choose for that is where the ego guides me. 



Look up, look up to where the light is shining. It is not the direction you thought you were headed, but it is where freedom from all this pain will be. Trust it, believe it. For in that dirt where the ego guides you lies the bottle. Lies the pain and misery and suffering you once fought so hard to escape. Let it go. Do not say pacifist. Say grace and courage. Turn that cheek in the midst of battle and say now, forever and always, I am no longer  afraid. Faith under every and all circumstances. Faith that can never be broken. It is of the mind that has conquered the ego. The ego! Our only true enemy. It is all we fear for it is the cause of all fear. Not our sisters and our brothers, but our own ego is the kryptonite that will bring us down.


Ode to Love and will you be my valentine?

February 14, 2018


Dear love,

You are a need of which there should be no need,

for you are free and infinite. 

You flow from depths unseen. 

Your power Is unrivalled and your beauty is supreme. 

You soar in endless abundance.

You can change the world with a silent whisper, 

a life with a single touch. 

You can stop a war with a thought and extend to every corner of the earth in an instant.

You can be held but never chained. 

You can be poured but never emptied.

We are made from love to extend love. It is in giving love that I find more love and yet here used to lie my fear of love. Not so much would I ever find love but rather how do I give love? The fear that comes from doubt, how will this love be received? The fear that comes from a possible rejection, if I share this love will I lose this love? In giving love does it disappear?

Love asks for vulnerability, or does it? When anything is freely given, it asks for nothing in return. And so perhaps with love this holds true as well. If I have not held on to it, then how can it hurt me? If by extension it grows stronger and more vibrant then why do I fear its release?  It is in its freedom, that it can expand and soar without restriction.

The fear comes when I confuse the extension of love with asking another to judge the worthiness of my love. I love you, do you love me? The confusion of what my  love is. Is it me or a gift from me? Is love all of me or a thought from me? The illusion that the extension of love has a destination as opposed to a life of its own.

In learning to love myself, I discovered this truth. I am the first love that I turn to, or away from. I make every decision on how I Process information. What I choose to allow to grow inside me, is what I will have to share. Should I fill my heart with anger and resentments, then anger and resentments will come out. Should I judge myself unworthy then so shall the world. Not because they said it to be true, but because I told them so.

When I made the choice to seek beauty, I started to find it everywhere. As I began the journey to find love in all of its forms, I discovered magic and miracles. I realized it was the one thing that transcended

Love is all of us and that is my Kumbaya love story for today.

Love and hugs to all xoxo.








Featured, Hope, Uncategorised

Faster, Stronger, @ Silken Laumann

February 4, 2018

Race Day- New gloves to help with the calluses.

It’s called Erging, that’s what the rowers do for dry land training, they erg. I have been erging for almost a month now, slowly building stamina and mastering my technique. The calluses on my hands make this real. Real like I could walk around St. Catharine’s during the Royal Canadian Henley Regatta and ask people if they have seen my crew.

There are only two erging machines at the fitness club I joined, so I question if I should share this. What if the other women start to discover the joy of erging? I am not sure how I feel about having to wait my turn to get my erg on. Just me and my moving vision board. Close those eyes, put the play list on shuffle and live it. Rowing on the St Laurence, home of 1000 islands and dreaming which one will be my retreat and who will be there waiting for me? Fabio?  Perhaps a road trip to the Okanagan Valley in Kelowna BC?

In my head while Erging I think I have won at least 10 Olympic gold medals. Two of them were in doubles rowing although I am not sure if the young woman next to me was aware that we won. She did tell me her name is NOT Marnie McBean or Kathleen Heddle. She also had no idea what I was talking about when I mentioned I wanted to be the Silken Laumann of Erging. I have decided to tone it down on the rowing lingo. I told one woman she would catch a crab with that stroke and I am not sure she has been back to the gym since.

When I am not erging for gold, I erg for me. Yes I love my country but I have learned you cannot give from an empty cup. Solo erging is more about the breathing and the music. It is heart centred and can be quite spiritual. I call it insperging and hope to offer certification classes once I feel I have mastered it. Insperging involves placing your hopes, dreams, desires at the end of your row. Whether it is career, health, love or healing you bring it to the boat. Put on your music, take a few deep breaths, think about heart centred joy. Close your eyes and imagine each stroke is bringing you closer to your dreams. Here, in this moment. Quiet, powerful, unlimited love and abundance.

Next thing you know, 30 minutes is done and you are ready for Disco Circuit Training or Clubbing It with weights. As your personal empowerment coach I will take you Himalayan stair climbing or La Tour de France seat cycling. When I think you are ready I will introduce you to the treadmill twist and shout.

It’s all in our heads and our hearts. You can go “work “out , or you can go create your dreams. What are you insperging for? Put that music on shuffle and don’t stop until you hear the right song to bring you home. Erg baby Erg, you got this.



Faith, Uncategorised

40 Days and 40 Nights

January 22, 2018

imageI think I have finally said goodbye to all the chaos in my life. I think I finally grasped the lesson/ saw the light / nailed it!

Even as I write this I question whether or not it should be shared.  Sometimes the greatest lessons come from the most humiliating or deepest of wounds. While I grew up learning to keep everything to myself, I now see the value in sharing. Soul truths are what I call my lessons that come from revelations. Huge, life changing revelations.  These are lessons that leave me in awe and strengthen my faith. I am never able to accurately put them into words but I always feel a need to try. I am amazed at how a change in thinking and perception allows me to see the powerful truth on the other side of a burning bush.

40 Days ago I had a colonoscopy, yes the world does need to know this. It was not my first, it was actually my 4th in as many years- I am special that way. I had met with the Doctor on December 4th, we discussed scheduling my next one and whether it should be sooner or something we might delay for a bit. I voiced a concern, an unfounded fear I had based on a chance meeting with someone about 6 weeks prior. The woman I had met had just battled rectal cancer and was now living with a colostomy. I had felt a very strong connection with this woman and she had popped into my head the day before my appointment. I had a small concern, It was a little thing but the good Doctor agreed I could book for next available appointment.

Next available turned out to be February 5th, two months away. I asked the receptionist to call me if there were any cancellations. You must understand, I do not do such things, but my intuition dropped that thought in my head and I listened. Later that day I got a call from the Doctor’s office saying there was a cancellation for the following Monday, December 11th. I believe this is where writers use the term- As fate would have it. For no other reason than a feeling, I took it as a gift.

The day of the procedure I had decided I was going to try to quit smoking. Knowing I was going to have to go a few hours without a cigarette it just seemed right. As I stood outside the hospital puffing in the cold at 8:30 on a Monday morning, it hit me I had been smoking for 40 years. Logically there are a plethora of reasons not to smoke, but emotionally I just needed one to keep smoking. This was my best friend, the love I always ran to. Happy, sad, devastated or elated. Every emotion I ever encountered was shared with a cigarette, we ran away together and we were chained together. This day however, I felt there was a chance that with a little help from the universe, I might finally break free from my partner in crime. My partner who always kept me down, but was always there for me.

I was trying to tell them thank you and I love you. It was the only part of the dream I could remember. Everything else was evaporating. It was there on the tip of my brain and then it was gone. As I awakened from the anesthetic, the dream just prior, I thought I was screaming “Thank you, I love you.” They found it! How could I know “IT”was there, and under anesthetic how could I know to be grateful? Thank you and I love you. They don’t hear me, they keep talking. I say it again, I just want to tell you how grateful I am, thank you and I love you. Then I hear them say she is waking up.

I was feeling great joy. Although I only had a few words that I managed to retain from being under anesthetic, the feeling of joy was so intense. Was this an out of body experiance I had? Even if I was partially awake, why am I feeling so elated? Anesthetic usually makes me cry or groggy. A nurse came by and asked me if I was claustrophobic? Very, I replied, why? She said they may be booking a CT scan. I was not surprised or frightened, just curious.

The Doctor came to see me, they found something and it was not a good thing. She explained how it was in an awkward spot that was difficult to get to.  How on some people she would never have been able to move the scope in such a way as to have seen it. What she found was a villus adenomous lesion that had to go. It was fairly large at 3.5 cm and she was only able to biopsy the outside edges. She had called in another Doctor to look and they had concerns about touching the middle and impacting someone’s ability to remove it. She added that even if it was not cancer at this stage, it was very likely to become cancer. It was so flat she was unable to remove it. Unlike my other ones in the past which were pre cancerous, this one was nastier and would possibly require surgery. This was my big unfounded fear. The surgery carried a strong possibility of a colostomy. Why had that beautiful woman I had met popped into my head and why was I so anxious to have this colonoscopy done early. Oddly, as the Doctor spoke of cancer, surgery and colostomy I was not feeling fearful. It was that dream I had awoken to in recovery. That joy and elation. Why was that subconscious me so incredibly happy? It’s like subconscious me knew that nasty had to be found early and then everything would be okay.

The next few weeks things proceeded quickly. The Doctor had mentioned Putting in a request for an MRI but they were backed up so she was not overly hopeful. I ended up being booked for December 27th which from what I have heard seemed lightening fast. She mentioned the biopsy would be a couple of weeks so with Christmas in there I would probably not know until the New Year. The results came early and due to a cancellation at her office I was able to meet the Doctor before Christmas to hear that the outside of the lesion was benign. She also mentioned a Doctor in Oakville that may have some ideas and possibly even be able to remove it endoscopicly. She said she would speak with him. The news just kept getting better.

January 2nd, the world just back from holidays I received a call first thing in the morning from a Doctors office in Oakville. I was being booked for a procedure January 12th. The paper work I received said I was having a flexible sigmoidoscopy. This procedure was used to examine, biopsy or remove a polyp. I asked the receptionist what the intent was and about the MRI results, she was unable to help and said I had to call my other Doctor. I did that, I called the other Doctor only to get a voice message stating they were closed until January 8th. I laughed a little that I had this thing booked and did not know what the plan was. I assumed it had to do with the MRI results, were there lymph nodes? Was there a reason to do another biopsy? How adhered was this lesion, were they going to look and see if they had any ideas on how to remove it without surgery? I graciously accepted I would just have to wait until the 8th to find out why this procedure was being booked. The fact that things were happening gave me peace.  I knew this Doctor In Oakville, he was a like a colon specialist, he removed my previous ones that were outside of normal. This however was not a little Sunday drive precancerous polyp, it was a nasty little leech that had to go.

The next day, Tuesday I received another call from the Doctors office. They had a cancellation for Friday January 5th, they would like me to take it. I said yes but would somebody be able to tell me when I get there why I am having this done? What is the intent and do they have the results of my MRI. None of this is a complaint, it was curiousity. I was so grateful with how quickly things were moving, it was all so out of the ordinary and surreal.

So January 5th I am at the hospital and I meet with the Doctor. He does not know the results of the MRI but he assures me I am in the right hands and there will be no colostomy on his watch. I fall in love and call him my Angel. We discuss the procedure, he is going to look and possibly remove the lesion. Seriously? He might remove it? Today? We decide I will have it done without sedation as I am going to see The Killers in concert that night with my Daughter, nieces and nephew. This was a birthday gift I had been waiting 4 months to go to and the sedation would have placed a damper on it. This is all crazy.

They wheel me in. The nurses are surprised I am not being sedated and suggest an IV just in case. The Dr. says not to worry, I have met her before and she is tough. Well, I don’t want to disappoint my Angel Dr. who I am now elevating to ArchAngel, so I laugh and say I will be okay. I watch on a very clear tv screen as they begin. I know there are 3 people staring at my butt or at their own monitor showing the inside of my butt. I get a little worried about the no sedation when the DR says “Oh that is big”. My beautiful Archangel Dr. Was chatting away saying there will be no bag for you young lady. Did I tell you I fell in love with him?

Now I understand why people get sedated for this procedure. I think they told me there are no nerves in this area so I will not feel any pain from the scope. It can however, be very uncomfortable having your colon expanded by gas. Okay, yes that was quite uncomfortable but I think they should have told me I want the sedation to help with my loss of dignity. When they blow gas in, eventually it must come out and lord love a duck, it comes out sounding like a Harley Davidson on full throttle and lasting longer than an academy award speech. Thankfully I have a sense of humour because I believe I was orchestrating my own Killers concert in that tiny little room.  But within 20-30 minutes it was over. Dr. Arch, Arch Angel had removed a lesion that was now 5 cm. It had grown 1.5 cm in 3 weeks.

My original colonoscopy date was February 5th. A gut feeling, some intuition and 3 cancellations later I walked out of the hospital on January 5th knowing I had just dodged a bullet or tip toed through land mines. Fate never looked so real to me. I carried that joy and gratitude from that dream on December 11th and believed that this was happening for me and not to me. I believed for the most part that everything was going to be okay, that somehow this would end up being a gift.

39 days ago ( the day after the discovery of the lesion) I found myself immersed in chaos at the office. Blindsided, completely off guard and out of the blue. It was ugly, it was frightening and bewildering. I am human so of course there was the immediate glare to the sky followed by the knee jerk WHY ME GOD! There was plenty of material at hand. Victimhood, anger, resentments. I was steadily making my way to the pity party of all pity parties, after all I have been through, I felt entitled. It was an everything moment, my ego was basking in the opportunity to get me back under its spell. Teetering on the brink, there you are my little precious, we will drop this crazy love, trust and surrender stuff and we will take you down the glorious path of vindication. We will get that sword back in your hand and ready you for battle.

I could have, I did start to suit up. I started to defend and hurl words back in anger, contempt and fear. It was the fear of course, even seeing it for what it was, I still could not control my emotions and my actions. Infinite Courage, do the next right thing, live from core not from ego. All the things I teach and know, all the tools were right in front of me yet as I picked them up it was like I had never held them before. My ego was being crushed and I was being dragged through the mud. I knew what doing the next right thing was, but I could not see ahead to the result that would satisfy me from any turn the other cheek forgiveness actions. I could see two people trying to punish each other when the reality was they had no control. Decisions from the past were blamed for creating this unforeseen and unsettling turn of events. He said and she said.  Why do we humans always reach into the past for punishment. Why must all decisions that don’t turn out the way we want, require punishment. It was ugly and I had some moments I am not proud of. But also from this fire came some of the most powerful moments of grace I have ever witnessed.

Two people reliving a nightmare from their past. Two people who were previously so unfairly hurt and victimized now going into battle against each other. Both perceiving a different cause, a different view and a different solution. Neither one budging, neither one able to understand the other side. Perception! A difference in perception was all that stood between reconciliation and Armageddon. For me the AHA moment came. They say you will continue to live a lesson until you get it right. This extreme chaos is not something I wanted to live anymore. I had to find what doing the next right thing looked like. I had to put an end to this Groundhog Day movie. I shared this thought but it was not accepted. I put together a plan where I thought everybody won, but it was not accepted. I then spent two weeks trying to sell my plan or at least try and get my side of the story across. It was not accepted. There was only one answer, only one way this nightmare was going to proceed. The only option was non negotiable and already in play. It was his option and that was all.

I twisted and turned and meditated and yes I prayed. I asked every morning for strength to do the right thing and came home every night knowing I failed. We were both in the right and both in the wrong but neither was inherently bad. Until finally one day, in a moment of exasperation I sat still and surrendered. In the silence of my mind I asked for the words, what needed to be said? Forgiveness was all I heard. And as I told him I forgave him I knew I needed it too. Everything changed, the energy changed and all of the weight I did not even realize I was carrying left my body and soul instantly. I was free.

The right thing was not for me to force my will. I may have thought I had the perfect plan that was made with good intentions. But the right thing in this instance was for me to accept and walk away. The reason was not mine to know. The lesson however was acceptance, trust and surrender. I have no idea how many times I hit the brick wall before I got that lesson right. I was now free, and truly, for me, my happiness would only come with freedom.

So in 40 days and 40 nights I sailed through some pretty turbulent waters. I did not know where I was going but I always felt I would get through it. I had tremendous faith.  My biggest fears never played out in the manner my mind preconceived. The what if’s never happened, and those nasty things I teach are happening for us and not to us. Hell yes they were!  There is no amount of money that could have given me as much happiness as the freedom to live my own life again. I had not loved my business for over 8 years, maybe even a decade. The weight and responsibility was too much. I was a creator not a manager. An ideas person not an administrator. I could not love it and it was keeping me from being happy. My ego tried to keep me there, like I should be ashamed in saying this is not where my happiness lies.

After 40 years I quit smoking 40 days ago. I had every excuse in the world to put it off and pick one up. But I had one reason that kept me from doing so. I realized the most loving thing I could do in all the chaos was to love and do something for me . I was to learn to face life without running. I was to learn that faith can get you through anything. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, does anybody? I still have some results of the biopsy and MRI to hear about. I still have to go through some trying and difficult closures with the business. Whatever, neither of those issues own me anymore. Truly all we have is now and right now I want to live this New Year like I have never lived a year before. I want to be healthier than I have been in years. I want to go out more, write more and learn more. I want to laugh and dance without reservation. I want to build a new career that I love, hopefully healing and writing and workshops. Above all, I want to keep working on understanding this gift of life. This spiritual journey is so beautiful and abundant. Every time I operated from a place of acceptance, kindness, trust and faith, the results that followed were joy, awe and love. It does not get any better than that.

Seek beauty, always!




In this crazy head

January 17, 2018

imageI am standing on the edge of the unknown and I love it. I am surrounded by uncertainty and limitless choices. I am at the gym, my, I quit smoking gift to myself. I am embracing this feeling of rejuvenation. With Music playing on my IPOD, to the rowing machine I go. I take a seat and I close my eyes and dream. I am in a boat and my oars are gliding through the water, I am moving fast and I am winning this one woman race. It makes me smile. There will be no looking back, no thoughts of fear or what if. I am passing other boats and I realize each one is me at a different place and time. Life is not passing me by, I am still in the race. I am not fading, I am gearing up, I am preparing. For what? I don’t know, but I feel it will be beautiful.

And so I begin the rebuild. The weights are awaiting. Stronger, wiser, braver. I have a head full of ideas, I play them out in my mind. Do any of them excite me? It does not matter to me what day of the week it is. I enjoy working, just not 9-5. Work on Saturday, play on Tuesday. If it’s 3:00 am and the idea hits me, get up and write. If it’s a perfect day to go for a walk, go for a walk. Someone needs a hand, drop what I am doing and give them a hand. A few scheduled meetings, some outings with friends. Spontaneous coffees, shovelling as the snow is falling. This is the life I want. This is freedom. This is unscheduled moments of bliss. I want to manifest this.

Next the 30 minute walk/ run on the treadmill begins. What of love, what does that look like? Not a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, but true love. Soul mate love. I imagine it looks like being there because there is no place I would rather be. It looks like Loving someone so much I want to crawl inside them. It looks like two magnificents of one never losing their individual souls. It looks like wanting to bring joy to the table and leave the rest at the door. It looks like respect and gratitude and appreciation. It looks like ups and downs yet still – arms always eager to embrace life and each other.  It looks like listening and sharing. It looks like space, there must always be plenty of space. Encouragement. Trust and faith. Truly I say acceptance. Uninhibited, unbridled, untethered. It is so free it is bound by choice. For this is love. No jealousy, no judgement, no possession. The intensity of emotions and passion that flows and communicates through mind, body and soul. Does such a love exist? I like to believe this to be true, I want to manifest this.

I leave the gym, showered and refreshed. With a skip in my step, I wonder why I feel so good. I crank up the tunes and drive away with a smile. The answer is so simple. I chose my thoughts and for 90 minutes I focused on joy. Sometimes happiness just seems so simple.


Faith, Uncategorised

The endogenous journey

January 13, 2018

About me and introduction to my blog

This is the musings of a woman on the other side of 50 who one day said “I am a writer”. This made her happy, so then she knew it to be true.

I am finally evolving into my authentic self, embracing my spiritual being. I think I always knew this was where my truth lived, especially as a child. Like many humans trying to fit in and get along in the material world, I learnt to hide and then later on forget about my spirituality. I thought integrity, caring about others and following the golden rule was good enough.  For me, what I was living was a mundane existence.  I was an adventurer who never found her Shangri-La. I was so distracted by the sparkle and self will of the grown up world, I had forgotten I had set out to find something.

Did I have good times? Absolutely! Good times had been plentiful. Good friends, loving family, good life. Until it was not. Until I was broken, hopeless and helpless. How else does a divine intervention come along? It almost always happens this way. We shifters were so badly bruised and beaten that our ego and pride no longer mattered. We needed a life line, an oar, someone to throw us a life preserver. As we looked to our friends and loved ones, we realized no human power could help us. A lobotomy? A million dollars? A do-over? Whether it is shame, guilt, loss, victimhood, whatever. It does not matter. The pain and misery can be dulled by drugs and charity. A numb sense of temporary relief. But healing, the only path to hope and happiness does not arrive without wholesale change. Nothing less than a new  truth, a new way of thinking. Why did it have to be this spiritual thing? Why something so uncomfortable that I have to drop my coolness?   My new truth penetrating to my core. So profound that I don’t care what my friends or the world thinks of me. I have witnessed, I have felt and I have shifted.

So let me pound the keys like the emotions pound in my head. Let me try and see if this unfiltered crap finds its way to the screen and makes any sense. I am a human and I try hard, really really hard to live my life in an honest caring way. I don’t want to be held captive by anyone else’s beliefs. I don’t want your judgments sneak attacking my brain and causing me grief. I want to live a life of absolute love and freedom. I think everyone does, even those who don’t know it. Even those who deny it.

I am not looking to grow wings or sprout a halo, (although wings do sound appealing) but I do want to live by a code. My code, my contract that says always try to do the next right thing and answer from love and with love. Be kind and try to be better than I was yesterday. I spent years shadow boxing in the ego world, I know the appeal and I know the thrills. Yet I can’t go back, I could never go back. Not to the power plays, the need to control, the stress, the anger and resentments. Oh, it still creeps in at times, but that is the journey. To see it, to know it and to choose to stop it, to let it go and find peace.

When I commenced this endogenous journey, I had no idea it would present me with an opportunity to become whole. And for me, that is the appeal of the spiritual path. After a lifetime searching and running, I discovered the answers were inside me. The owners manual, the tools and the power. This Kumbaya word called love that gave me a lifetime of discomfort, is now the only thing I wish to understand, know and master. I don’t know if you can do such a thing as master love, but I do know I need to try.

I am an eternal spirit living inside a body. I am on a journey of self discovery. The more I learn about healing myself, the more I learn about love. The more I try to practice a non judgemental life of faith; a life of forgiveness and  kindness: The more I witness grace and courage. The more I try to act with grace and courage, the closer I get to my purpose. What is my purpose?  As of today I am still not sure.  I am leaning towards it being one I share with all of humanity.  To know, to understand, to feel and to be love.

I give a talk I call “Infinite Courage”. It is a labour of love for me. I plan on discussing parts of it on this blog over the next few months. In addition to the adult program, there is a basic and advanced workshop that has been created with a friend aimed at children 11 -14 and 15-18. We are promoting self confidance and positive choice making by teaching control over self (clean power), is far more effective than trying to control others (dirty power). We hope to give children the inner strength they need to deal with a wide range of emotions and social interactions. Our line of thinking is that perhaps we need to move away from the over use of that catch all negative word bully, and move towards the commonality that everyone wants to be respected, accepted and loved.

I hope you will follow along and let me know your thoughts.