A small snippet from my labour of love play: The Wino, The Witch and The Writer.
This is an abridged version of Love Made Tangible
A small snippet from my labour of love play: The Wino, The Witch and The Writer.
This is an abridged version of Love Made Tangible
On Saturday evening, I was out for a walk and listening to a walkthrough for westerners of the Bhagavad Gita. My quest to communicate with my soul is expanding and going deeper than I ever fathomed. Listening to this timeless eastern philosophy, I became lost in thoughts of why and what is truth. I took a break from my walk, sat on a bench and focused my gaze on the beauty of the St Lawrence river. The brilliant sunshine was blanketing my body. The cooler fall air was refreshing my spirit. I was feeling content and at peace. My world was coming together. I was finally learning to be the pilot of my thoughts and emotions.
In this serene state of being, I watched in awe as this cloud rainbow manifested before my eyes. Was it an Angel ? God and a chariot (I was after all listening to “The Gita”)? Or a swan filled with the life force energy of love? The timing, the beauty of it all captivated me and caused my heart to swell. At that moment I was so keenly aware of my own loving life force energy.
I experienced this Stevie Nicks/ Fleetwood Mac “Landslide” moment. “Oh mirror in the sky what is love?” And – “Well I’ve been afraid of changing, Cause I’ve built my life around you.” – In my case it has been about leaving the old ego me behind. Wanting to grow beyond my shadows and face my truths.
Why We Must Forgive- Thoughts born from my search for truth and my learnings from A Course In Miracles.
I keep hearing the call for a brave new way of doing things. This next generation has not only a very strong desire for transformation; they have unlimited access to far reaching methods of communication. Their ability to advance the tides of change must not be underestimated.
However, change for the sake of change is no cause for celebration. To leave their mark on this world, or at least the mark I am sure they desire, there must be vision. Is that vision vengeance or is it peace? We must not ignore the sense of entitlement and victimhood that has permeated their human experience. The faithless fearful teachings of the thought police. Their intentions are good but their perspective is limited. Will they follow the fear- the desire for power and control? Or will they see beyond and focus on kindness, the free will and rights of everyone to live a life of self determination- Will they lead from love?
I see a world that at times appears overly anxious to condemn anyone for thoughts and ideals. A world where the pendulum has been swinging to extremes. The plethora of issues we are attempting to solve through intimidation all have a common thread. We are attempting to battle fear without faith; yet faith is the opposite of fear. Before we attempt to invoke change, we need to address the genesis of our fragmentation.
We cannot continue to carry the actions of our ancestors (our past) into our future and expect to find peace while we hold onto anger. We cannot judge from todays perspective what we did not live, and expect to uncover truth. Why do we continue to hold one another in contempt? We seek punishment like the freedom from our suffering depends on it. It does not.
The healing of the world looks the same as the healing of our individual souls. We must remove the heavy armour of victimhood and adorn ourselves in the light of forgiveness. We forgive each other and we forgive ourselves. Not the act, which may have been unforgivable; but we forgive the mistaken hearts and minds so they hold no power over us. In forgiveness we free ourselves from the heavy burden of carrying this hopeless and wretched pain. The toxic poison of anger and resentments will bring the death of freedom and joy without the antidote. The antidote is Forgiveness.
How far back do we go? Injustices have occurred since the beginning of time. How is demanding restitution from generations once, twice, or many more times removed advancing our evolution? We cannot change the past, we cannot find our salvation punishing the innocent children of the perpetrators and call it justice.
Until we forgive, we will remain at war. Tortured and lost souls seeking freedom from our suffering in darkness. The light is in us, but we refuse to shine it. How crazy is that?
Fear insists we follow its narrative that salvation is in punishment. Why does it drive us relentlessly seeking vindication.? Our ego desperate to hear the words we were wronged. I get it, I completely understand the perceived need, but at what cost? We sacrifice years of our lives, in some cases our whole life waiting for that day. Just to hear someone publicly say they were wrong? The acknowledgment that what happened was indeed horrendous, or not our fault, or ugly and wrong in every conceivable way? And yes I say to all of that, except for the fact that without forgiveness our lives are lost a second time to victimhood. Victimhood- The ruthless sword of vengeance that we unwittingly turn upon ourselves.
In addition to our own salvation, forgiveness offers healing and protection to the world. For without forgiveness, the unforgiven will become the helpless, the loveless and the hopeless. A world without hope and love is a world in fear. Only from fear do atrocities occur. Only from fear do we turn off our own light and bring darkness to our hearts. Only from fear do we place our future in the hands of an ego in search of retribution.
As I discovered In miraculous fashion; “The truth will set us free.“ It’s not about hearing the truth spoken out in words, but learning to honour and embrace the truth in and of itself. In what at times appears to be an unspiritual world, we must find the faith to let it go. Let God, Karma, the Universe or whatever faith you can reach out to (please tell me you have faith in something) let that faith mete out justice. Let the God of your understanding decide how, when, and to whom the truth makes its presence known. Turning the other cheek makes profound sense to me now. We must speak the truth and communicate the wrong. If that does not bring forth resolution then act from integrity, forgive and walk away. Knowing without doubt, that the truth will come out in time. In Divine time. As it is meant to and in the most poignant and unimaginable fashion. With the magnitude and certainty of a revelation.
What if we forgave all these past injustices? What if we forgave all the evil from our history? Genocides, slavery, internments, and confiscations. The brutal acts against humanity. All the heinous crimes that happened. We acknowledge the evil of the acts, we acknowledge that we are not those acts. We acknowledge the fear driven lessons then surrender our need to hold onto the pain. What does a world forgiven look like?
It looks like you and I starting over on uncorrupted innocent ground. A haven where we have no walls of distrust between us. No judgments and no hate. We have no desire for control, no battle raging. We are meeting again for the first time; no labels and no preconceived ideas. We meet in the light and not the darkness. Freedom from the bitterness and anguish of our past. In this moment, we are accepted, respected and loved. What every human soul has ever longed for. That churning incessant ache within has been filled with hearts united in acceptance, respect and love.
So this brave new world our children are creating. My dream is that they do what we could not. That they silence the incessant howling of fear and face it’s toothless jaws. Society has been spreading the seeds of doubt for far too long. Let’s plant new fields of hope and grow this big, beautiful, wondrous new world with love; but let’s call the cornerstone forgiveness.
Wendy Rae is a life long seeker of truth and author of the newly released book – You Are Not The Boss Of Me. A memoir based on her chaotic journey of survival and faith through the hormonal bookends of life.
***Available on Amazon- Please note, I will soon be adding my middle name Lee changing all publications to Wendy Lee Rae. If you are unable to find my book under Wendy Rae please be aware I am in the process of change. There is another Wendy Rae author and I wish to avoid confusion. See, change is inevitable so embrace it with love and make it good. I have always liked my middle name and now I get to use it.
Every once in a while I find myself compelled to throw some thoughts out to the world. This is one of those once in a while moments. It’s about Love, death and judgment.
A little over two weeks ago I was at work enjoying my lunch in the sunshine when I got the call. The call from someone that went through hoops to track me down. Someone who knew how close I was to Josh (not his real name). When he informed me of Joshes sudden passing the night before I was in shock to say the least. I was not expecting that, it was not the narrative I had created for Joshes life.
My relationship with Josh was complicated. Actually, that’s not true. I think when it comes to love in its purest form we had something special. We had no conditions, no judgments, no desires and for the most part no guilt. There was no history and no blame. It was all of 10 months and began with us meeting and having an instant connection. It ended, well, that is what this confused written piece is all about. How did it end?
I would describe Josh and I as close friend soul mates, step mother, step son- but not really. Josh was 19 years younger than me. He was mourning the loss of his Mother amongst other things when we met. His Mothers name was Wendy. That right there, even more than age will tell you it didn’t matter where the relationship might go, there was one place it would not go. God had placed us together for something else.
Initially he gave me the role of teacher and counsellor- At least that appeared to be the dynamics. – A little spiritual life coaching. He was reaching out for help. He was not only struggling with the loss of his Mother, Josh was also struggling with drug addiction and breaking up with the love of his life. Whilst you conjure up your own ideas of what a drug addict looks and behaves like, I promise you Josh will not fit the image in your head. He looked and behaved on the surface like the wholesome looking always smiling healthy, mischievous boy next door. The one you might want your daughter to marry. Regardless, he was struggling and wanted so desperately to be clean.
For the most part, Josh had all of the knowledge, tools and gifts needed to to carve out an amazing life. What he did not have was that connection from his heart to his mind. He either ran on ego, or he ran on an open heart. The open heart would get crushed or the ego would destroy him. He knew only two ways to live. Wide open and vulnerable – Or run, crash and burn.
Spending so much time with Josh, I was amazed by his lack of concern about the optics. I was this older woman he was seen with all over this small town. Walking, shopping, having coffees and going on drives. Movies, dinner. It didn’t matter, Josh never made me feel he wanted to be elsewhere. He had this amazing beautiful quality. I found myself wanting what Josh had. This unique ability to openly embrace the people in and around his life in the present moment. I wanted to learn how to remain present. To not be concerned what others around might think. What used to frighten me about societal judgment was losing its grip on me. Because of Josh I was learning to follow my heart and not my head in situations that used to make me uncomfortable. I told him my heart would say to hug someone but my ego told me not to. I saw in his actions that following the way of love was always the right response.
For the ten months that I knew him, Josh and I got together or spoke almost everyday. Oddly for me it was not suffocating. That was another unexpected gift of our relationship. We had a bond that was emotional, intellectual and spiritual. We talked about anything and everything without fear. No control, no judgment. I did not go home feeling energetically depleted. I began to wonder how much of my suffocation with people in the past had to do with unconsciously protecting, hiding and trying to be what I thought they wanted me to be. Josh was teaching me how to interact by just being me.
Which brings me back to the day May 6th when I had been told of Joshes passing. I was in shock and I cried like a baby. I left work and cried all afternoon. I spoke with the hornet flying around my living room and called him Josh. I was under the impression it was an overdose and I let that hornet know I was angry, lost and heartbroken. Until the next day when I heard different, when I was told it was a heart attack. And then I was done. I had no tears left. And for the most part, from that day on, I have not felt empty and sad. I have questioned how could I have loved him and not be feeling sad? I miss him, but I have kept busy. Not to avoid facing the void, but because I am feeling empowered. I feel a resurgence of me. A new life, new inspiration.
This is not about losing a close family member, for sure that is different. He may not have been in my life for very long. But as far as my life in Brockville is concerned, he was my best and only close friend. I chose that. So why don’t I cry anymore? Why do I not feel sadness? Josh had a huge impact on my life. Maybe if Josh had died from an overdose I would still be crying. But he didn’t. It was his heart, God took him. Which complicates my thoughts even more.
The last couple of months he was doing so well. I was watching the tides of change. He was handling life with a sense of purpose and confidence I had not seen from him before. His conversations were more often about joy and goals than they were about struggles. He was taking the lead in the direction of his life, no longer asking what he should do. Instead he was telling me what he was doing and why. He was becoming aware of his thought processes and avoiding the negativity that would send him spiralling towards using. He was feeling so much empathy towards others, aware of their needs. It was so promising and exciting to see the transition. Even more amazing was the clarity of his thoughts. He was connecting his heart and mind and challenging me when I was off balance. The answers he was providing me for complex choices had such wisdom.
I called it Agape, a Higher Love. I think our journey was spiritual in nature from the beginning. I thought I had a purpose in helping him find the strength and faith to overcome his dark shadows. I wanted to see him go on to do the great things I knew he had in him. If the journey however, is the evolution of our soul. Our lessons, our learning to love, our search for truth. Our connection to source and connection to others. Then I like to believe Josh found that connection to source. I like to believe he filled that giant hole in his stomach. I don’t weep because love wants connection, peace and joy. I think he finally found it.
Maybe deep down I knew we would eventually drift apart. There were no chains on our friendship. It was so beautiful in how free and balanced it was. We held immense gratitude in our hearts for each other, but I think somewhere, there was the knowledge it was for a season.
I believe every life, every connection is for a purpose. I couldn’t understand for all of the times Josh had almost died, why when it looked like he was getting it together he was taken from this world. I thought his life was going to be grand. We talked about all of the wonderful things available to him. His light was shining bright and his future was looking even brighter. Apparently the light he was seeing at the end of the tunnel, really was the brightest light of all.
Josh evolved beyond me and I love that. I am no longer sure of what purpose I served. But I do know what knowing Josh has done for me. He was in my life to teach me about love. Living in the present moment now has meaning to me. I don’t have to be anything for someone else. I don’t have to promise tomorrow for someone else. I just have to be present in love in the moment. Whatever choices and promises I make in that moment, if I pay attention to my highest self, those will be the right things to do. I need not offer more and I must not offer less. That is freedom. Josh is with me forever. The gifts he gave me in his presence that do not change. I think of Josh every day. I don’t cry: I feel peaceful, grateful, worthy and loved. In the GPS he provides me from above I hear him. Be present in love Wendy, be present in love. I love how the student became the master teacher. I love how love never ends.
After a long and difficult winter, I am sitting by the river basking in the sun. I managed to come through it. Not the winter, which was harsh, but the dark hour of my soul that had moved in on me. That’s a pretty big statement isn’t it? I thought I had lived that years ago, but now I know different. And I feel different.
It was this past Easter weekend that I was reminded of that Sinead O’conner song “I Feel so different”. I absolutely do! And I think different. Change is hard. Transformation can be terrifying. What did not start out as a choice, has now become the passion upon which I live my life.
I had been Walking downtown looking for a place to buy a coffee. It was my annual “It’s Good Friday, I should go to church”. As I turned a corner I happened upon a community of people taking part in the walk of the Cross. Both church and the Cross make me uncomfortable. Not when I am alone, it’s so easy to be who you are when you are alone. No, the discomfort is acknowledging my truth in front of a society that dismisses or mocks these things. Seeing as how I was now in the midst of it, I had to join in. How could I turn my back on what has saved me? Not the church, but the Cross.
I respect and admire all of the kindness and charity of the church community. The wrong doings and mistakes of some leaders and followers are no different than society as a whole. Church is where people go for inspiration with their faith. Their own free will as with any other member of the human race is where they rise up or fall down. As for me? I have reserved church for Good Friday and Easter Sunday. The rest of the time I worship in nature and in solitude. I seek the answers to the mystery of life. I search for connection with a loving God. I continue to try and comprehend the lessons from the story of Jesus. A man whose strength, love and kindness are beyond my reach.
Which brings me back to the dark hour of my soul. You would think that was what I would use to describe the broken me of yesteryear. The one who was losing everything she held dearly and then more. No, that was the awakening. That was the beginning of my transformation from anger and resentments to learning to love life as it exists and in the moment. No, the dark hour is a battle with fear. It’s the most significant fork in the road you will ever encounter. Struggling to keep the faith when every door you knock on remains closed and has been locked. When your dreams are taking forever but your life is disappearing at the speed of light. When every idea is answered by doubt and every life boat is out of service. The dark hour where the Holy Spirit seems silent whilst the devil within tempts you to return to the insanity of the great I am. The world of self will and working fearfully for your daily bread.
When your ego is begging you to put the mask back on but your soul is shouting don’t pierce me again. That is the dark hour or the dark weeks as the case happened to be. The moments of truth where I had to decide who I was. Who was my contract with and on what belief system do I move forward.
The fear that grabbed a hold of me in February and March was like no other monster I had ever encountered. No matter how positive I tried to be, how strong and spiritually fit I thought I was. I was grossly unprepared for the ensuing battle. I was saying gratitude but not hearing it. Writing lists of gratitude but not feeling it. I was saying I was surrendering while digging my nails into what I refused to let go of. I was professing to believe and have faith while preparing my heart for defeat. The truth was, I was standing on the edge of no return. My faith was in jeopardy. The most dangerous words I have ever known were surfacing from within. The two words that I know would be my undoing. F#$@- It.
I never imagined I would be in this place. 5 years ago I was walking on a cloud promising myself I would hang onto that joy and love for the rest of my days. I worked it and fought to remain connected to it. Every tiny moment of doubt was met with a journal filled with the miracles and revelations I had witnessed. Yet here I was, ready to consider throwing in the towel and running back to the arms of my favourite vices. The pity party of all pity parties was being prepared in the back of my mind. Forget the multitude of blessings, miracles and revelations. Life was hard and I was struggling to find relief.
I stood on that ledge and stared into the abyss. I could no longer distinguish between truth and illusion. What was intuition and what was ego. If I had set my sights too high, could I recalibrate and find joy in anything less? I doubted it. I was so heavily invested in my dreams and they were not materializing as I had willed them to. I was not looking for instant gratification. I had been patient. It now appeared to me, that all was lost. That I had been chasing after an illusive life. Perhaps it was just not meant to be. Perhaps I was just a fool. And in that dark hour, I questioned how I ever let myself become so open and vulnerable. How did I end up in this place and who was I to want so much? My pride, my coolness, my drive. They all lay motionless in a heap. I stood naked on the ledge and thought now what?
Then “what”happened. My own words from 4 years ago when I did a crazy happiness experiment on Facebook kept showing up in my newsfeed memories. My own words from when I was living in joy. When I was still connected in a very powerful way to the source of my faith. In those words I saw where I had fallen. I saw how ever so slowly I had been allowing fear back inside my heart. That awkward Facebook experiment had come back to save me from myself. The revelations and I do mean revelations started to happen. My thoughts on the ledge took a 180 turn and the desire to run became a vision of freedom.
All that I had been clinging to was a made up version of how my life should unfold. Has it ever, does it ever unfold exactly as planned under our own direction? I had traded in the joy of the mystery and Aha moments. I was being guided by fear in search of guarantees. I was giving up the ecstasy of a life of passion in exchange for a life of safety in presumed certainty. I had forgotten how to enjoy the journey in light hearted wonder.
On that ledge I no longer saw the abyss. I saw my opportunity to take that leap of faith. And leap I did. I opened my heart in an act of vulnerability. I faced my biggest fear and I did not run and cower in shame. From that intimate act I found a strength and freedom the likes of which I have never known. I had dreamed of living my life like a wild horse. No longer saddled with society’s judgments. No longer bridled with unwarranted guilt. Guilt that held me down. Whispering in the back of my mind that I was not good enough for my dreams.
As that Sinead O’Conner song winds down she states “All that I ever needed was inside me” Her voice is passionate and haunting, her message is clear. She lost so much. So many friends yet she cannot go back. “I feel so different”. That was such a big part of the fear. I cannot go back. I cannot pretend that I do not know what I now know. Our fear of judgment is the greatest block to our freedom, to our healing. Anxiety, depression, addiction. Pharmaceuticals will not fix those things. Faith will. Without it, we remain hopeless for there is nothing to light the way. The illusion that we have control. The illusion that we are great on our own. The illusion that it is their fault. There is no them, it is us. We are great, we are miraculous when we connect to the source of our love. Every self help book. Every healing textbook. Every story of the journey to being saved. The words are different but the messages are the same as the ones we were given over 2000 years ago. The man on the Cross said to love and have faith. To believe. The law of attraction may be the rage, but it is not new.
This Easter I was reminded of the little girl in me that could not understand how we nailed such a good and kind man to the Cross. She carried that question in the back of her mind, somewhere strapped to her soul. She walked through the material world and felt the highs and the lows. When she awoke that question came back. How could we? Why did we? What is this life, this journey all about?
And in the dark hour when the choice comes, do I follow that kind man, or do I turn my back on him? Do I embrace the story or pretend it never happened? That road to Damascus life changing moment I had. If I dismiss that, then without doubt I dismiss my own soul. Call it what you want, the universe, a higher power, your higher self. It all comes down to that man on the Cross. Love, forgiveness, hope. Believing, faith, kindness. Not judging, not hating not clinging to fear. If the truth is not through Him, then one day, I die and it never mattered. If however the message of love continues on and life is eternal. Then I fear not death nor anything else.
I did not learn this in church or in school. I learned this on the road to Damascus. I learned this through experiencing all of life’s ailments and trying to understand why. Through reading and interpreting through my own eyes, ears and heart. I learned this from the voice that was speaking softly inside me. Yes, all I ever need is inside me.
This Spirit enjoying this life in this body need only embrace each moment as an opportunity to love and forgive. That God of fear and sin? I don’t think he has been around since that nice man died on the Cross for us. Was that not the point of it all? That he would teach us so we could learn to walk one day, like him, in our own free will? We are evolving. The speed at which we continue to evolve will be determined by our willingness. Our willingness to explore the truth within our hearts. To speak our truth without the fear of societies judgments. I can’t control society, but with faith, I can control the fear.
I am struggling with this piece. In my heart the story is poignant and beautiful. Moving it to words it becomes cumbersome and fearful. It is of course my lifetime of fear over the subject that makes this so difficult.
I am finally coming to terms with being gay. I find it incredibly awkward stepping out of a closet I have never set foot in. Perhaps I will borrow a term from the younger crowd and call this the “pre “. I don’t like labels and I never understood the need to announce it. Yet here I am announcing that I am looking into and stepping out of the proverbial closet.
Why? What insanity has caused me to do this? Aside from the fact many knew before I did. It’s so I can finally live. So I stop trying to manufacture romances that will never work. So I can finally just breathe and laugh and say “Yup, it’s true, It only took me 4 decades to figure it out.” I admit, I am very much afraid of all of this. I keep wanting to add a “but”or a “maybe”. Of course I can change my mind, but it’s exhausting to keep trying to create substance from illusions. I need to know that whenever true love calls (You will note I am saying when and not if) I won’t miss it because it doesn’t fit my vision of what I think it should look like. I also need to stop going out to parties and dances pretending I am someone else (Insert funny night cap joke here.)
As a child, it was the words of hate shouted on the playground and reiterated through the mouthes of adults that helped mold my view of myself. Maybe not who I was, but certainly I heard and understood who I did not want to be.
I used to believe it was a choice. As a teenager and then young woman I chose not to be. Why choose to be something the world did not embrace. Something awkward. That was not the type of attention that was going to give me the feeling of belonging that I longed for.
Holding me back even more was the question of sin. I could never resolve what this God in my heart willed for me. As I look back I can honestly say this was my biggest hurdle. The God in my youth had loved me and held me through some troubling times. As a child there was no doubt in my mind of his existence. That relationship began to change in my mid to late teens. It was the beginning of my hidden walk of shame. I buried my uncomfortable secret deep within me. I began building the walls and donning the armour. I would not be this terrible thing and I would not let God down. Of course it did not work. I could never completely escape my truth. I had to let God go, which in turn meant turning my back on love and God.
After decades of living my life like it was a choice, I can finally say without question it is not a choice. This is who I am. I tried, and believe me when I say “Lord” knows I tried. I lived obliviously from 15 – 55 trying to find myself in everything but love. Fiercely competitive I loved winning, mastering sports made me feel good about me. Driven in business, promotions made me feel good. Building a business, that made me feel ever so good. I am self sufficient, I can help others, I am in control. Self will and strength. I was giving. Always trying to give joy and comfort and money. Passion to fill that hole inside me was incessant, except I never knew what to fill that hole with. Never knowing or understanding love beyond friends and family. Motherly and brotherly. I never saw the power and the beauty that were to be found in the highest loves and the most vulnerable loves. Life was ever so big to me, but romantic love seemed like a little side dish for the weak if so desired. I never saw my refusal to receive as an indicator of how unworthy I truly felt. I was running from the immense pain of my inner turmoil. No Eros and no Agape.
I was 50 the first time as an adult I realized I was attracted to a woman. It was not physical but rather a very deep connection on a soul level. I believed it was Divinely inspired and it was the impetus for massive wholesale changes in my life. First and foremost was reconnecting with the God In my heart. Second was the beginning of a journey to learn to love and honour myself. The healing that took place in my heart and soul manifested in my physical and mental health. Shockingly so. The speed in which the changes came was unfathomable. Friends and family alike were staring in disbelief. It was nothing short of a miracle and I will never forget or turn my back on those truths again. I was being given a second chance and I was not going to let it go to waste.
We are all made of energy. Everything changed when I saw the connection and followed the source of joy. The bulk of the visual changes took 5 months. I was not focused on my looks, I was being carried in Divine love.
Inspired by all of these changes I wrote a book about my life and spoke about this event in a chapter titled “The Intervention”. When I launched the book in 2016 I was still pretty sure that I was not gay and my feelings for that woman were solely for the purpose of learning to love myself. My feelings subsided as I knew they would. Needing to protect the anonymity of the woman who was an innocent bystander in my book I knew I had to talk to her about it. Whether or not she ever spoke of it made no difference. What mattered is I could now honestly say to those asking – She knows and that’s all that matters.
I began applying the principles of living from love and searching for my higher self in every situation. I desired truth and connection, yes I use that crazy term “what would love do”? What I often shunned as a weakness I learned to embrace as the worlds most powerful force. Love was winning the battle with my ego, fear was beginning to fade.
However, if you thirst for truth, the lessons never stop coming. Just when I thought I had shed all of my heavy armour and was truly starting to feel whole and healed, it happened again. Another woman captured my heart sending me swirling into months of solitude and confusion. Leading up to that I had dated three different men, all of whom matched a different vision I had for what my soul mate might be like. None of whom were able to fill any sense of romance or excitement in my heart. How perfectly positioned it all was. Everything I thought I desired was placed before me. What sent butterflies from my soul was that which I still tried to deny.
I spent this past year soul searching. My biggest obstacle in being able to embrace being in love with a woman was not so much the opinion of society. It was and always would be, how could I resolve this with the God of my youth. I had to go back 40 years and understand the fear and the feelings or beliefs of right and wrong. I had to look at sin and my renewed faith and ask how do I resolve the conflict. Is this my ego or my soul? Is this real truth and knowledge or is it brainwashing and fear? I could not find comfort in asking others for there was only one place I would accept the answer from.
I sat in broken vulnerability for many months. Loves immense power was written all over my shattered heart. I had never felt so lost. I wanted to turn my back on it, so tempted was I to go back to my old ways. For all of its power and beauty, love hurt and I needed to make it go away. If I dismiss these feelings and make love irrelevant or this person a villain I don’t have to suffer this pain. I was acutely aware of the hole within me. Acknowledging I had to fill this on my own but to try and do it without the tools of the ego I had relied on my whole life. I had to learn to be whole completely on my own and allow myself to love. Numb would have been easier. Running, dismissing, ignoring and self medicating all offered themselves to me. I had come to far to give up and go back to my old ways. If I wanted a different result I had to do life different. Somehow, even in sorrow I managed to let love remain.
In the midst of my months of soul searching I made a visit to my favourite spot at the lake. There on a boulder next to my bench lay a little rock with the words “Be filled” painted on it. I was so taken aback by the timeliness and perfection of the message, it made me cry. They were strong tears, tears of knowledge that the universe was sending me love. Sadly, my ego did not let me keep that rock. It instantly went to the thought that I should leave it for someone who really needs it. Like I did not? I took a picture and left the rock. My refusal to receive mirrored my greatest obstacle to love. Love makes me vulnerable and I didnt know how to live with that. This powerful piece in the puzzle that is life. This opened my eyes to just how much fear I had attached to love.
Being filled is a life long journey. I once heard somebody say they tried to fill this God sized hole with everything but God. I realized that my healing begins and ends with faith. Since I have now established deep in my heart that this is not a choice I can finally accept my Divine design. I was created this way. I thought about this God of my understanding. This mysterious loving power that had saved me and opened my eyes to love. I realized there is no way he would place me on earth and say…..Go live your life and love, but understand you will never be capable of knowing love without going against me. No God of love would do that. So I began to start trying to accept all of me without the guilt or shame.
Even though profoundly aware of my inability to choose who I fell in love with, I was still not able to let go and take this leap of faith. I had been asking and praying to God and my Mother in heaven for some type of sign to tell me it was okay. That I was on the right path as it related to love. That I may find love in this body in this lifetime. Dimes, feathers and eagle sightings were not enough. I needed more or I would never find peace.
In October I was at an event where a medium was sharing messages from spirit. Full disclosure, I do know her but she certainly had no knowledge about my prayers. As the event was winding down, and after watching her touch on so many uncanny truths with others. Out of the blue she said “Wendy, I have a message from your Mother. She says you are on the right path and Divine time is soon.” The earth moved. To receive the answer for the question I had been asking God in quiet prayer. To hear it worded in the words I used. The magnitude of that moment is still holding me off the ground. I finally found peace, permission to know and embrace whatever love held my heart.
The freedom, and the joy and the relief have been cathartic. How bright does the light shine when you have lived in the dark for 40 years. When you have been searching and finally see what it is you have been searching for.
When you learn to love and believe in yourself for who you are, and not who you think you should be- You will know joy. I spent many years unconsciously trying to trade myself for a better version of me. I may not have wanted to be anyone else, but I did try to be the version of me I thought the world would accept. Not today. Today I am happily making peace with my soul. I feel more powerful in my vulnerability then I ever did in my ego. Although I can’t say I embrace the lessons of unrequited love, especially when I have waited a lifetime to feel butterflies in my stomach. I can say that I believe in miracles, Divine time, and destiny. I found courage, hope and love growing from the wounds in my heart. My life has felt blessed and magical ever since I chose to accept, to receive, to be filled.
My next book still in the works is presently titled Birthing God
Agape- Love and light
Below is an excerpt from my latest book “Birthing God”. It is based on 4 years of what started as spiritual R&D and quickly turned into powerful lessons from faith.
In parts of the book I discuss different events and use the journaling/ poetry/ thoughts I wrote at the time to capture the fear as it existed in that moment. I show the actions of faith I blindly surrendered to and how the outcomes have brought me peace, joy and happiness where logic dictated there was none to be had.
Escaping my ego captures my vulnerability a couple of years ago when I was trying to decide between selling my struggling business to save myself, or going into a risky partnership that might save jobs if circumstances proved ideal. Conventional business wisdom said sell, my soul said different. I listened to my soul and chose the partnership which I initially thought ended ugly. As the dust begins to settle, a new truth is unfolding. The unexpected gifts and revelations will be in the book. Life truly is a journey in learning to love.
I stand here amidst the chaos of my thoughts, wondering which avenue do I choose . I feel the anger and the resentments rising in my throat, hurling words against the walls that are slowly caving in around me. No, I will not go there. But go there I must, for the lifelines have all been used -except the last two. They are tangled and knotted. I don’t have the strength or the desire to fix them, and once they are gone, there will be nothing. But alas there will be need again, it has been written, it has been promised. As I look toward the future as a woman of logic, I know only a warrior would remain in this place, and I am no longer willing to feed that beast.
The ego stirs the flames- are you a quitter? Are you a pacifist? What captain abandons the sinking ship, what woman of courage would walk away?I do not know the answer, but the anger and resentments are killing me. The demands were not invited, were never part of the original dream. But they exist, they are here and if fairness were was not such a laughable goal, I could holler it is not fair and expect the world to make it right.
So I sit and I stare at the mess before me. I am frozen and dare not move. No human would ever choose to stay in this moment, but looking left and looking right, the options are no better. Perhaps they are worse- and then what? Looking to the future, what a horrifying sight. Me, curled up in a ball while the world looks on in judgment. See what you did! To us, to them, to everyone. You did this, you had the control and you let this happen. No, I dare not look there. I have seen what people do who have looked upon that sight. It is not pretty and many are no longer with us. So where does my gaze go? There is only one place, one choice to make.
I look up. It is what we must do, we people who have lost everything. We lie on the ground in agony, and wonder why we are now filling our fingernails with dirt? Are we trying to find a deeper bottom. Are we striving to find a hotter hell? Is this why we set our sights on what lies beneath the dirt? Falling is all we have known of late. We are comfortable knowing we did not die yet, but we are terrified of looking up. Terrified to be made a fool and see the answer was and always will be what we have mocked and dismissed as poppycock!
So I look up defiantly. I say pacifist, quitter! I give up. The words come out of my mouth and I do not like the taste. But what else do I do? I am done digging in the dirt. I know what lies there. I know inside that anger and resentment, each filthy piece of soil inside my fingernails holds the makings of my grave. Pacifist, why does that word seem so ugly? It is the echo of my ego and I struggle to choke it down. These are not my words, this is not the way I have chosen to live. The light, the love and the kindness, this is where I have been living and I know it is my faith that is wavering. I am blind and I cannot see the outcome. It is fear that makes these hands reach towards the dirt. That is the direction I would choose for that is where the ego guides me.
Look up, look up to where the light is shining. It is not the direction you thought you were headed, but it is where freedom from all this pain will be. Trust it, believe it. For in that dirt where the ego guides you lies the bottle. Lies the pain and misery and suffering you once fought so hard to escape. Let it go. Do not say pacifist. Say grace and courage. Turn that cheek in the midst of battle and say now, forever and always, I am no longer afraid. Faith under every and all circumstances. Faith that can never be broken. It is of the mind that has conquered the ego. The ego! Our only true enemy. It is all we fear for it is the cause of all fear. Not our sisters and our brothers, but our own ego is the kryptonite that will bring us down.
Race Day- New gloves to help with the calluses.
It’s called Erging, that’s what the rowers do for dry land training, they erg. I have been erging for almost a month now, slowly building stamina and mastering my technique. The calluses on my hands make this real. Real like I could walk around St. Catharine’s during the Royal Canadian Henley Regatta and ask people if they have seen my crew.
There are only two erging machines at the fitness club I joined, so I question if I should share this. What if the other women start to discover the joy of erging? I am not sure how I feel about having to wait my turn to get my erg on. Just me and my moving vision board. Close those eyes, put the play list on shuffle and live it. Rowing on the St Laurence, home of 1000 islands and dreaming which one will be my retreat and who will be there waiting for me? Fabio? Perhaps a road trip to the Okanagan Valley in Kelowna BC?
In my head while Erging I think I have won at least 10 Olympic gold medals. Two of them were in doubles rowing although I am not sure if the young woman next to me was aware that we won. She did tell me her name is NOT Marnie McBean or Kathleen Heddle. She also had no idea what I was talking about when I mentioned I wanted to be the Silken Laumann of Erging. I have decided to tone it down on the rowing lingo. I told one woman she would catch a crab with that stroke and I am not sure she has been back to the gym since.
When I am not erging for gold, I erg for me. Yes I love my country but I have learned you cannot give from an empty cup. Solo erging is more about the breathing and the music. It is heart centred and can be quite spiritual. I call it insperging and hope to offer certification classes once I feel I have mastered it. Insperging involves placing your hopes, dreams, desires at the end of your row. Whether it is career, health, love or healing you bring it to the boat. Put on your music, take a few deep breaths, think about heart centred joy. Close your eyes and imagine each stroke is bringing you closer to your dreams. Here, in this moment. Quiet, powerful, unlimited love and abundance.
Next thing you know, 30 minutes is done and you are ready for Disco Circuit Training or Clubbing It with weights. As your personal empowerment coach I will take you Himalayan stair climbing or La Tour de France seat cycling. When I think you are ready I will introduce you to the treadmill twist and shout.
It’s all in our heads and our hearts. You can go “work “out , or you can go create your dreams. What are you insperging for? Put that music on shuffle and don’t stop until you hear the right song to bring you home. Erg baby Erg, you got this.
You are away at university. My little girl, my greatest gift. As much as I was excited to watch you spread your wings and fly, I was not ready for what that meant to me. I miss your energy, I truly, truly do. I do not wallow in any pain or sadness, it is just the realization that I need to up my game plan and fix that energy void.
I think of what I have taught you over the years and it hits me hard. I will never forget the day I was worried you might be hurt by some words in my book. you said to me “Mom, you do you and I’ll do me.” Wow, I thought I was the teacher; yet you brought me the lesson. In you I have changed and in me you have grown, how amazing is that? Over the course of the last 5 years I have drastically changed my perspective on life. What I have lived, what I have read, what I have witnessed. With an open heart these things finally sunk in. So in this moment of truth and clarity, it occurs to me there are things I said or did when you were young that I wish to ask you to un-learn. I have no doubt, you probably already have as you are quite clever. But just in case, I need to say this. It might actually help me up the energy vibe I miss so much.
If when I taught you to be careful I made you fearful, then please un-learn that now. Fear is the biggest monster you will ever encounter. It freezes you, it controls you, it makes you mean and it robs you of your joy. Do not let fear run your life for it will limit you. It will keep you from pursuing your dreams and finding your purpose. Remember there is no such thing as “What If,” there is only “What is.”
You must accept where you are but never accept that you cannot change where you are or how you feel about it. If I caught you too many times when you were falling, I apologize. I realize now that you must fall so you know how to get back up. We all must fall sometimes. It is here we start to truly understand humility. It is here we truly learn to be accepting, loving and gracious of others.
This is acceptance. You are here and want to be over there. Accept where you are and then choose to go forward. You cannot change how you arrived but you can change where you go next. Make sure you lighten the load and go forward in the direction of your choosing. Do not bring guilt and regret along for this next leg, leave them behind and carry only love. Love for you, for others and for what you do. There is nothing that lightens the load more than love.
Making the right choice is of you, it is in you. The right choice is not what you want the world to see of you, it is of you. Integrity is the easiest thing in the world to have, but sometimes it feels so hard to implement. I think everyone has integrity, it is the degrees of fear that make the difference between living with it, or without it. Do not be fearful of making the right choice, for it is only fear that will take you in the wrong direction. The right choice is easy, the answer is immediately in you. Go with what your intuition tells you, it is always right. If your intuition tells you not to go there, that is not fear talking, that is truth. But if fear tells you to lie, you will feel the discomfort and it is there the troubles will begin. Your integrity is intuitive, they blend together seamlessly. A life built on integrity will allow you to walk with courage and grace, not because you are trying to project it, but because it will be your truth.
When you are uncertain in your decisions, use truth as your guiding light. Truth is not about showing the world you are right, it is about quietly learning what is right. Truth is knowing when to lead and when to follow. It is when to speak and when to listen. Truth is that you have no control over anything except your own actions and emotions. Your entire life will revolve around truth whether you are consciously looking or not. For it is in truth that life will make sense and give you joy. Truth will hit you hard on the head or bowl you over from behind if you try to ignore it. Truth will not go away and you can never hide it. EVER! If you put truth at the forefront of all of your actions, than never will it hurt you. If you choose to make it your guiding light, than even when you err, you will have won. For in that mistake you will have found something you were searching for.
There is always hope as there are always miracles. By you being you. By living and loving and seeking all of the beauty and gifts in this life, you will inspire hope. By using the abundant energy that pulses in your being, you will be a conduent of hope. Hope infuses and ignites, it soothes and hydrates. Breathe hope into the world and it will never let you down. It will shine back at you in glorious magnificence.
Get to know faith as intimately as you know yourself. In fact, faith will help you find out who you truly are if you trust it. Call it your higher self, higher power, God or the universe or whatever. Just know that there is something connected to your spirit that knows and loves you unconditionally. Something that will lift you up and guide you through things when no human power ever could.
You have no control so stop worrying. Do the next right thing and let go of the outcome. Faith is knowing that this is happening for you and not to you. That forgiveness and healing can be given and received in the moments when the fire has never seemed more out of control. Fear will never enter when you know that you are safe. Carry this always, for it will escort you through the darkest hours and allow you to grow joy from the least fertile of soils. In faith you will be fearless. You will not know depression nor will you be anxious. You will have the knowledge that everything is as it is meant to be. You will have infinite courage.
You, your friends, your generation. You excite and inspire me. You do not appear to be judgmental or reactionary. I believe that in all of you is an opportunity to bring forgiveness to the world and let the healing begin. That is it, isn’t it? Time we stop punishing each other for yesterday, time to let go of victimhood and pain- I don’t want this pain anymore, let it go! Time to begin anew with complete world forgiveness. Like the words you once said to me. “Mom, you do you and I’ll do me. “ Let’s stop trying to do each other. Stop trying to control one another, stop punishing one another, stop judging one another. You do you and I’ll do me and lets just move forward in love and forgive all of that stuff in the past. All that stuff we had nothing to do with, or never intended, or misunderstood, or wrongly judged. All that stuff we cannot change. Lets just all focus on fixing ourselves. You do you and I’ll do me and tomorrow will be bigger and brighter and more beautiful than we ever imagined. We will be free of guilt, free of anger, free of resentments and ready to love.
Wow, I just cannot believe all of the things you have taught me. Imagine all of this from “You do you and I’ll do me.”