Spirituality – Wendy Rae

Faith, Featured, Forgiveness, Higher Power, Higher self, Hope, Love

Their Innocent Light Lives Eternal

August 10, 2021

Their voices could not be silenced.

Even from the grave,

The truth would always surface:

As sure as Spirit loves.

Not if, but when.

And then freedom does follow.

For truth sets our hearts free from the bondage of our shame.

It brings salvation to the impossible…..If we let it.

Mistaken as we may have been;

The wound was not the mistake.

It was the refusal to see our loyalty to fear.

As we seek to punish and lay blame we will be wrong.

It was not our ancestors our ministers and priests.

It was not our political leaders and the elites.

It was fear and our adherence to it.

The lies we tell ourselves to justify doing what goes against our very soul.

Look around you today…..

What lines does fear have us crossing?

Controlling, demanding, attacking and defending.

It never ends…….This need to be right.

Somewhere in this twisted chaos lies the miracle.

A time to forgive every act and every deed.

A time to unite on common ground.

A time to relinquish our desire for control.

For we are not monsters,

We are made zombies by fear.

We are the energy of love in a human form.

When we finally understand the eternal of our Spirit,

Death and disease will be gone,

Yet love will always remain.

Faith, Featured, Forgiveness, Higher Power, Higher self, Hope, Love

Fear Is The Monster! We Are Love: Not Fear.

June 10, 2021

Fear Is The Monster! We Are Love: Not Fear.

The discovery of a grave containing the bodies of 215 Indigenous children has played heavy on the hearts and minds of all Canadians. To me, there is nothing more sacred than the life of a child. The actions, the cover ups and the why are finally being recognized and discussed. Due to the passage of time, much will never be known and of course perception from a different generation makes for a very questionable jury.

Fear can make good people do and try to justify terrible things. Closed minded marriages to institutions and ideologies makes us prisoners of ignorance. We will always fall on the evil we try to hide. It is time for the Catholic Church and all other churches where they have been complicit to face their own hypocrisy. In the words of Jesus in Luke 12- “Beware of the Leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.” It does not matter if their very existence is at stake, the church has no standing if it continues to fail the very heart of Christianity by withholding truths and covering up or ignoring “misguided” actions.

There is no Christianity without The Christ who taught Love and relationships. He never demanded adherence through force and His teachings of sowing seeds, non judgment and forgiveness bears no resemblance to controlling and fearful kingdoms of deception. What form of Christianity were they teaching these children? Certainly in torture and judgment not one that looked anything like the ministry of Jesus whose teachings included dire warnings against those who would bring harm to a child. To ignore this?

The inescapable irony (if I may use that word here) being our own self righteous elitism that felt these children equally born to Spirit were in need of our “superior wisdom and cultured morality.” At the end of the day, we now see through the lens of history the ones in need of spiritual saving were not the little ones they were trying to convert, it was the learned ones trying to control the beliefs and lives of another. They were not sowing seeds of hope and love, they were planting fear and exacting control.

In our careless assumptions and lack of trust in each other we frame these acts as being about race and religion. Woven throughout history Black and White, French and English, German and Jew, Irish and Protestant. There is no lack of racial and religious history for us to war over. They might all look a little different but they are all the same. They are all fear. Forever and eternity our atrocities and genocides will continue until we stand together and face the monster that is fear. When we finally forgive, love and trust each other we stop trying to control. Our faith in our goodness sets us free from false narratives.

We must be careful not to judge our ancestors too harshly or lay any merciless guilt upon our nation. Colonization was all we knew and as a collective we probably saw residential schools as being a kind act of assimilation into what we blindly believed to be a more Civilized and altruistic society. What we see today is not the outcome anyone anticipated. In todays light our ancestors were terribly wrong. However we advance through trial and error and hindsight is 2020. Today our vision is not clouded with yesterdays fear. We are not fighting the same imaginary narratives or standing in our ancestors shoes where life was a constant battle of survival. I am not excusing the actions but I am forgiving my ancestors for what they did not know.

Todays battle with fear is in plain sight for those who choose to look. The Covid response with the implementation of mandatory mask wearing and coercive immunization is a prime example of the power of fear. The emergency measures, heavy handed monitoring and public shaming will be judged in the future. Will this be a shining moment in world unity and science saving humanity? Or will they condemn us for the unintended consequences of our actions against a false or manufactured crisis? Will the science save us or is it the most damaging experiment ever enacted in human history? Who will be the monster and who the victim? What monster will they blame for this atrocity? Who is the Us or Them that history will look upon? Will the monsters be those that complied or those who stood up? Like our ancestors we are following the directives of elites. Today we are swirling in the eye of the storm. We are blind to the truth because once again we chose not to face fear. In the future when history judges us it will be without fear writing the 6 O:Clock news. Without the perception of fear, the truth will be sitting in plain sight. Of course, if we choose to continue holding onto our ideologies at the expense of truth, the damage will continue to mount and our days in the sun will continue to be prolonged.

Three wise monkeys encourage us to see no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil. Change evil to fear and try to comprehend how over zealously spreading fear has impacted all of our lives, especially our children. For the sake of our joy we must stop giving fear centre stage. Why can’t we focus on our happiness, hope and possibilities. We need to have more faith in that which is pure and holy, to actually understand what that means with out cringing in religious fear. To know and understand the undeniable power of Love to fix our differences and heal our own mind, body and soul. Maybe it is time for the Academics, scientists and political elite to invite a carpenter to the table?

Nothing changes if nothing changes! Maybe if we stopped following the laws of false idols and started following the laws of the Universe we would truly begin to see the light. What we give we receive. What we teach we learn. What we seek we will find. Dare I believe things are starting to change? Are people starting to question, are they beginning to ask themselves if there really is more to their life than the accumulation of money, work, rinse and repeat?

We can continue with the insanity of doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result. We can continue to follow Fear as we have always done by controlling, punishing, blaming and hating. Or; we could try allowing and understanding and accepting and believing and loving. As I learned through an incredulous intervention “Be Still, and know.” We are safe, we are cared for, we are loved. It is only when we give the snake in the grass our ear that we find ourselves reacting to fear instead of creating in love.

My love and healing energy to all of my brothers and sisters in our Indigenous communities. I pray that one day soon we will finally learn and be able to forgive: Forgive our history, our present and each other. To move forward in truth without yesterdays dark shadows. How much deeper will we love each other when all hate and control and darkness are behind us? Love is always the answer. Love is always our greatest hope. May those 215 innocent souls guide us into the very heart of Spirit, the home from which we all came and the home we will always share.

Energy, Faith, gratitude, Higher Power, Higher self, Hope, Love, You Are Not The Boss Of Me

Another glimpse into “You Are Not The Boss Of Me”.

April 21, 2021

How does one determine an audience for a memoir? We are pieces of our experiences and the people we have met along the way. We are all so unique and mystical and diverse and yet still connected.. I do not know about you, but for me being pegged inside a box seems insulting. I like to believe I am authentic yet ever changing. I also like to believe my book appeals to an undetermined and unlimited demographic.

My greatest wish however, would be that young people gravitated to it. I would love for them to see the opportunities I created from rose coloured glasses and blind faith. In all of my stories and lessons, in my victories and losses, lies an undeniable thread of faith. Faith in ourselves, in the goodness of people and in the source of our energy. Our Higher selves as some will say, God for others, law of attraction, vibration, whatever ones beliefs might be. For let me assure you, one of the greatest gifts of this human journey is our ability to choose what we believe. Why we belittle and look down upon those who follow their own intuitive reality is beyond me. Trying to solve the mystery, unlock the code, discover your soul, meet your spirit, be authentic and love in totality is the adventure. When we find ourselves in proximity to the truth, we are surrounded by joy and awe and ridiculously exciting goosebumps.

To our millennials and Gen Zedders. I hope by throwing my ego out the window in my book and sharing my sky is falling apocalypses you come to understand you have nothing to fear. I hope you begin to question the illusion of society and begin to see your life truly is the narrative you give it. Trusting and believing in hope and possibilities will offer you limitless potential where as living solely from left brain logic and the fear of judgment from others will become a prison of your own making.
Right and wrong are perception. When you realize the incredible goodness and moral compass that you rely upon is also the same one others are using, you understand our need for love, connection and unity. My book is about forgiveness and facing fear and learning to love. My book is our story, it speaks to the desires, misguided frailties and limitless potential of who we are.

Energy, Faith, Featured, gratitude, Higher Power, Higher self, Hope, Love

Generation Z- We Need You!

March 18, 2021

Dear next generation to rule the world, generation “Z”.

If it was up to me, I would dub you generation “Hope”. I would proclaim this not to pressure you but rather to help you rise above. Rise above the limitations of the material world. See past the old 3 dimensional view of the world and into the power of faith and beyond.

I am not talking religion for that word alone has been anathematized beyond recognition. If you ever want to do a study on society’s illogical emotional responses to words, God and religion would top the list of contentious verbiage. Faith would be up there but still allows some semblance of sanity when used sparingly.

What a great challenge for us philosophy nerds – are nerds on the endangered list yet? Can we pinpoint the most prominent words that create the most discomfort and find a way to make them pure again. Not slang or words of hate, just simple descriptive words or names that create irrational responses.

If any group of people can make this happen I think it is dear generation Z. Why? They don’t know better and know it all like those of us who have ripened. Our darling Zedders have grown up with the intellect of the world at their finger tips. I trust that they are still willing to try different search engines and engage in thoughts and ideas that go beyond what is being fed to us on tv and social media.

Oops, I digressed. Sorry! I do that, I am not the easiest writer to follow. Sometimes inside my head is an episode of hoarders and writing is how I declutter- protect yourself :).

Back to faith: Faith; as I tend to state in numerous blogs, and an inordinate number of times at that, is the opposite of fear. Faith to me is the only organic, drug free tool that successfully combats depression, anxiety, doubt, stress, lethargy and a host of other complex human sufferings. Before I lose you thinking I am attacking science let me explain.

We are made of energy. Scientists (society’s Gods) have stated and proven this to be fact. I have never set foot in a physics class so I will not even attempt to go into detail. However, from what I have experienced and know, all energy has a source. Which means that we as energetic beings must have a source. So if I have an energy source, does it not make profound sense to try and connect to that source? To try and develop the best possible connection to that source with the least interference? Should that source not be where I go when I am feeling depleted? If there is a source from which I am energetically connected, does it not stand to reason that my emotional, intellectual and physical health are attached to it?

I am not questioning medication as much as I am questioning a world that does not look at holistic and spiritual resources before introducing medicines that have been PROVEN to have other negative health impacts. Especially as it relates to our children. I do not blame anyone, not parents or health care practitioners and especially not the children. It is not about blame, it is about alternatives that societies prejudicial lens has denied or kept hidden. Once again- Generation Z, can you fix this and bring some open minded collaborative thought and non explosive conversation to the table here?

I don’t know about you, but I am of the belief that why would I settle for 150 amp service when I can try and connect to 3 phase power. Or better yet, those lithium crystals that powered the Starship Enterprise, or was it dilithium? Scotty would know, or Data. Would that not be the best green juice you ever drank? Just as we cannot see our energy field but we know it is there, we also cannot see our source. This is easy to follow right?

I know that I personally rise and fall based on my energetic health. Physical and emotional energy being the most prominent and obvious. Yes, we can operate at a base level self propelling on will power, but this method is limiting and completely dependant on outside events and other peoples energy to influence us. If this is all you desire then stay in the basement and watch tv. If however, you wish more from life, then may I suggest you begin your search for your Source. You notice I said “Your” Source. That is because I honestly believe that determining your own beliefs and purpose is the kick ass exciting reason why we walk as individuals on this earth plane. It is your very own crazy adventure to carve out; why not make it the best life your heart/mind can create?

Faith is trusting in something you cannot see but know without doubt it exists. You have to feel your way into connecting to it and this is where the miracles happen, where your reality begins to change and life flows to the mystic. This life of faith holds greater adventures, greater clarity and greater focus. I used three greater’s in a row just to drive the ego side of me crazy. The perfectionist is sitting in horror screaming you do not even need a thesaurus to find a better word. I love messing with my ego.

So back to dear generation Z. You have access to all the information of which I speak of. You don’t need to have been born to a family of quantum mechanical physicists or even influenced by the teachings of a wise Shaman or mystic or minister or high priestess. I think of myself as the “She-Wolf”; energized by the moon and the stars and the natural cycles of life both in the sky and on earth. Today anyways, tomorrow I might be spreading pixie dust or over analyzing spread sheets.

The Sage has the wisdom to understand perception. To honour freedom, to seek truth, and to remain committed to the vision even as the world around appears to be crumbling. This is faith and this is knowing. We are energy, connected to source. We are capable of communicating at a higher level and when we grasp all that this means we will come face to face with human exceptionalism.

I am sort of writing a book on this, but in the meantime my dear generation Zedders, here is why the spiritual realm is worth your attention. You will discover that fear is something you can control. All of these wars, and injustices and even our reaction to covid are responses steeped in fear. How can we be living in a world of such vast abundance and yet so many people are feeling helpless, unloved and live in poverty? We have been sharing darkness and victimhood when we could have been giving and sharing from our abundance of light and joy. From a vibrational alignment of our choosing.

Joy is your birthright. Our optimum performance is when we are sharing our high vibrational loving energy. The law of attraction is real. What we extend is what we receive. Note this, look around at the extension of fear through tv, then stop and breathe and realize that your happy reality is just an opposite thought away. I am connected to Source, I am limitless and I am eternal because I am energy. I am a conscious bearer of light, I am an energy God that can make a difference by the simple act of sharing the energy of joy, hope and love. I make a difference in this world by holding up a mirror to you and showing you the incredible love and beauty I see inside you. You can do the same for others, it’s our function and it is your truth.

Faith, gratitude, Higher Power, Higher self, Hope, Love, You Are Not The Boss Of Me

Chapter 4- Fly Like An Eagle

March 12, 2021

I wrote You Are Not The Boss Of Me in stream of consciousness. Like the evolution of the book, it was not intentional.

I began writing “Boss” as a private letter in which I was sharing with unguarded honesty my gratitude to an unknown deity for an unfathomable happening. That secret letter, when I had completed it, seemed more like a chapter than a note. I vividly remember thinking, “oh,” I am writing a book; Or is that “We” are writing a book? And I remember intuitively knowing this book must be written from truth and with love. That chapter (11) had almost no edits and stream of consciousness became a great way of not only sharing from the most vulnerable of positions, it also became a way to explain actions through perception.

I call it our story as it is so relatable even if the events are different. We all fear and we all love. We all have perceived needs, strengths and doubts. I believe anyone that studies nature vs nurture will have their hands full of scenarios from my book to consider behavioural patterns. Anyone who is open minded and curious will be given ample material to continue questioning the spiritual and logical nature of life.

My biggest lesson from writing this has been learning to love myself. To be able to look at my failures and my victories and realize I am an invincible brilliant Spirit or a wounded human ego. Every single day I wake up, I get to choose whether I am love living in paradise where every desire and need is fulfilled; or will I be fear conspiring with a snake about how the world is not fair? More often than not, I am choosing love, even in this world that appears to constantly be peddling fear.

Forgiveness, gratitude, Higher self, Hope, Love

Evolution Through Extension

March 11, 2021

If we try and mandate Love,

We will create apathy.

When we demand kindness,

We will receive grievances.

Nothing holy comes from fear.

Love and kindness evolve from seeds:

Freely shared, happily planted

Joyously extended and reciprocated

One day; we will choose to create from love instead of reacting to fear.

One day; we will awaken in paradise.

Faith, Higher Power, Hope, Love

My Life Force Energy Swan Cloud.

October 25, 2019

Landslide and Higher Love= A tale of two songs

On Saturday evening, I was out for a walk and listening to a walkthrough for westerners of the Bhagavad Gita. My quest to communicate with my soul is expanding and going deeper than I ever fathomed. Listening to this timeless eastern philosophy, I became lost in thoughts of why and what is truth. I took a break from my walk, sat on a bench and focused my gaze on the beauty of the St Lawrence river. The brilliant sunshine was blanketing my body. The cooler fall air was refreshing my spirit. I was feeling content and at peace. My world was coming together. I was finally learning to be the pilot of my thoughts and emotions.

In this serene state of being, I watched in awe as this cloud rainbow manifested before my eyes. Was it an Angel ? God and a chariot (I was after all listening to “The Gita”)? Or a swan filled with the life force energy of love? The timing, the beauty of it all captivated me and caused my heart to swell. At that moment I was so keenly aware of my own loving life force energy.

I experienced this Stevie Nicks/ Fleetwood Mac “Landslide” moment. “Oh mirror in the sky what is love?” And – “Well I’ve been afraid of changing, Cause I’ve built my life around you.” – In my case it has been about leaving the old ego me behind. Wanting to grow beyond my shadows and face my truths.

As it began to dissipate, it looked like an eye was staring back at me.

And then I thought of Steve Winwood’s song, Higher Love. It brought me back to a time Seven years ago. I vividly remember being in a trance like state listening to that song and thinking- God, if you exist, please bring me a Higher Love. The world, as I saw it then, was anything but love.

I had no idea at the time, what that love or that God looked like. I had become so far removed from my true self. I had forgotten this body even had a spirit. A soul that was so much more than the wounded warrior I was feeding at the time. Landslide, Higher Love. This cloud and these songs were telling me something.

In that moment, it became clear as to what I was being shown. In Divine style, that once seemingly awkward God has filled my heart and completely changed my life; or at least my perception of life.

Ask and you shall receive? Bring me a Higher Love. Of all the things I asked for that I imagined would turn my life around, I now know that one ask was all that mattered. What we need, not what we think we need. Trust and surrender. So I have been graced with an understanding; a capacity to feel and create and learn to recognize, miracles and acts of love. The pure state of joy and peace found within the revelation. God heard my call and now I hear his. Bring me a Higher Love. With each step I learn to love more, he brings me closer to that Higher Love.

This journey of spiritual research and development I secretly and naively embarked upon, was it a result of that day? It has brought me through some hefty turmoil and raging fires. And sometimes, I feel it has been the cause of them. Internally and externally. It has been excruciatingly uncomfortable turning to something eschewed or scoffed at by so many. Soul searching alone in the wilderness pitting my loving heart against my ego mind. Redefining my definition of intellect. Wholesale change, a complete 180. Yet a 180 that has provided me the opportunity to see the world 360.

This is not religion! This is the knowing and the seeing. The truth of intuition. The understanding of what life can be, of what life is and who we are. We are energy, and when we connect to the source of our energy we are infinitely more than the limitations of self propelled power. Love is our source and it is the joy within each of us, to explore and determine what that love looks like. I call it God, but that is all encompassing. I still aspire for greater understanding.

St Lawrence river 5:14 pm October 19, 2019. How my Swan cloud looked 5 minutes prior.

“ I’ve been afraid of changing”- That landslide, that ego coming down. When we marinate silently in the anguish of perceived hurts, if we are open and willing; we will come face to face with that ego. When we courageously look upon the shadows that have created our fears; we realize they are nothing. We realize that the shadows are always so much larger than the monster we perceived. It is the illusion of the narrative. The world will think this, or this will happen- because our ego so smart by half thinks it knows all. Made up fear, non existent. All we ever had to do was face the little monster and not the massive shadows. Without fear we can finally see truth. For when truth sets in, it is not pin pointed or won over, it is just known.

5:25 pm

And so here I sit, seven years later, rethinking how I do life. The capacity of the human mind to learn and create and decipher is magnificent. Our existence and capabilities are an awe in their own right. Just as we do not rise up when we belittle others. Our capability to discern through science should be about bringing us closer to awe, not about trying to prove awe does not exist. Not trying to tear it down. Why do we strive to remove hope and love from our lives? Why? Does our ability to break down the awe into little ingredients make us happy?

It’s not that God put that cloud in the sky just for me to see, it’s that he placed me there and had me look up. He gave me a glimpse into the promise of spiritual fulfillment. Insight into what a Higher Love looks like. For all of those who needed it, who prayed for it, who were finally waking up and willing to see it. He painted the most beautiful picture and left an impression on our souls. Our life is a gift! Wonder and awe are always present. I just can’t see it sometimes. What always saves me from my ego is my faith in the mystery. “Oh Mirror in the sky, what is love?” I know when I open my eyes with my heart, I am completely whole in this Higher Love.

The child within, said “Embrace the magic.”

Faith, Higher Power, Hope, Love

Who Is Your Contract With?

April 28, 2019

After a long and difficult winter, I am sitting by the river basking in the sun. I managed to come through it. Not the winter, which was harsh, but the dark hour of my soul that had moved in on me. That’s a pretty big statement isn’t it? I thought I had lived that years ago, but now I know different. And I feel different.

It was this past Easter weekend that I was reminded of that Sinead O’conner song “I Feel so different”. I absolutely do! And I think different. Change is hard. Transformation can be terrifying. What did not start out as a choice, has now become the passion upon which I live my life.

I had been Walking downtown looking for a place to buy a coffee. It was my annual “It’s Good Friday, I should go to church”. As I turned a corner I happened upon a community of people taking part in the walk of the Cross. Both church and the Cross make me uncomfortable. Not when I am alone, it’s so easy to be who you are when you are alone. No, the discomfort is acknowledging my truth in front of a society that dismisses or mocks these things. Seeing as how I was now in the midst of it, I had to join in. How could I turn my back on what has saved me? Not the church, but the Cross.

I respect and admire all of the kindness and charity of the church community. The wrong doings and mistakes of some leaders and followers are no different than society as a whole. Church is where people go for inspiration with their faith. Their own free will as with any other member of the human race is where they rise up or fall down. As for me? I have reserved church for Good Friday and Easter Sunday. The rest of the time I worship in nature and in solitude. I seek the answers to the mystery of life. I search for connection with a loving God. I continue to try and comprehend the lessons from the story of Jesus. A man whose strength, love and kindness are beyond my reach.

Which brings me back to the dark hour of my soul. You would think that was what I would use to describe the broken me of yesteryear. The one who was losing everything she held dearly and then more. No, that was the awakening. That was the beginning of my transformation from anger and resentments to learning to love life as it exists and in the moment. No, the dark hour is a battle with fear. It’s the most significant fork in the road you will ever encounter. Struggling to keep the faith when every door you knock on remains closed and has been locked. When your dreams are taking forever but your life is disappearing at the speed of light. When every idea is answered by doubt and every life boat is out of service. The dark hour where the Holy Spirit seems silent whilst the devil within tempts you to return to the insanity of the great I am. The world of self will and working fearfully for your daily bread.

When your ego is begging you to put the mask back on but your soul is shouting don’t pierce me again. That is the dark hour or the dark weeks as the case happened to be. The moments of truth where I had to decide who I was. Who was my contract with and on what belief system do I move forward.

The fear that grabbed a hold of me in February and March was like no other monster I had ever encountered. No matter how positive I tried to be, how strong and spiritually fit I thought I was. I was grossly unprepared for the ensuing battle. I was saying gratitude but not hearing it. Writing lists of gratitude but not feeling it. I was saying I was surrendering while digging my nails into what I refused to let go of. I was professing to believe and have faith while preparing my heart for defeat. The truth was, I was standing on the edge of no return. My faith was in jeopardy. The most dangerous words I have ever known were surfacing from within. The two words that I know would be my undoing. F#$@- It.

I never imagined I would be in this place. 5 years ago I was walking on a cloud promising myself I would hang onto that joy and love for the rest of my days. I worked it and fought to remain connected to it. Every tiny moment of doubt was met with a journal filled with the miracles and revelations I had witnessed. Yet here I was, ready to consider throwing in the towel and running back to the arms of my favourite vices. The pity party of all pity parties was being prepared in the back of my mind. Forget the multitude of blessings, miracles and revelations. Life was hard and I was struggling to find relief.

I stood on that ledge and stared into the abyss. I could no longer distinguish between truth and illusion. What was intuition and what was ego. If I had set my sights too high, could I recalibrate and find joy in anything less? I doubted it. I was so heavily invested in my dreams and they were not materializing as I had willed them to. I was not looking for instant gratification. I had been patient. It now appeared to me, that all was lost. That I had been chasing after an illusive life. Perhaps it was just not meant to be. Perhaps I was just a fool. And in that dark hour, I questioned how I ever let myself become so open and vulnerable. How did I end up in this place and who was I to want so much? My pride, my coolness, my drive. They all lay motionless in a heap. I stood naked on the ledge and thought now what?

Then “what”happened. My own words from 4 years ago when I did a crazy happiness experiment on Facebook kept showing up in my newsfeed memories. My own words from when I was living in joy. When I was still connected in a very powerful way to the source of my faith. In those words I saw where I had fallen. I saw how ever so slowly I had been allowing fear back inside my heart. That awkward Facebook experiment had come back to save me from myself. The revelations and I do mean revelations started to happen. My thoughts on the ledge took a 180 turn and the desire to run became a vision of freedom.

All that I had been clinging to was a made up version of how my life should unfold. Has it ever, does it ever unfold exactly as planned under our own direction? I had traded in the joy of the mystery and Aha moments. I was being guided by fear in search of guarantees. I was giving up the ecstasy of a life of passion in exchange for a life of safety in presumed certainty. I had forgotten how to enjoy the journey in light hearted wonder.

On that ledge I no longer saw the abyss. I saw my opportunity to take that leap of faith. And leap I did. I opened my heart in an act of vulnerability. I faced my biggest fear and I did not run and cower in shame. From that intimate act I found a strength and freedom the likes of which I have never known. I had dreamed of living my life like a wild horse. No longer saddled with society’s judgments. No longer bridled with unwarranted guilt. Guilt that held me down. Whispering in the back of my mind that I was not good enough for my dreams.

As that Sinead O’Conner song winds down she states “All that I ever needed was inside me” Her voice is passionate and haunting, her message is clear. She lost so much. So many friends yet she cannot go back. “I feel so different”. That was such a big part of the fear. I cannot go back. I cannot pretend that I do not know what I now know. Our fear of judgment is the greatest block to our freedom, to our healing. Anxiety, depression, addiction. Pharmaceuticals will not fix those things. Faith will. Without it, we remain hopeless for there is nothing to light the way. The illusion that we have control. The illusion that we are great on our own. The illusion that it is their fault. There is no them, it is us. We are great, we are miraculous when we connect to the source of our love. Every self help book. Every healing textbook. Every story of the journey to being saved. The words are different but the messages are the same as the ones we were given over 2000 years ago. The man on the Cross said to love and have faith. To believe. The law of attraction may be the rage, but it is not new.

This Easter I was reminded of the little girl in me that could not understand how we nailed such a good and kind man to the Cross. She carried that question in the back of her mind, somewhere strapped to her soul. She walked through the material world and felt the highs and the lows. When she awoke that question came back. How could we? Why did we? What is this life, this journey all about?

And in the dark hour when the choice comes, do I follow that kind man, or do I turn my back on him? Do I embrace the story or pretend it never happened? That road to Damascus life changing moment I had. If I dismiss that, then without doubt I dismiss my own soul. Call it what you want, the universe, a higher power, your higher self. It all comes down to that man on the Cross. Love, forgiveness, hope. Believing, faith, kindness. Not judging, not hating not clinging to fear. If the truth is not through Him, then one day, I die and it never mattered. If however the message of love continues on and life is eternal. Then I fear not death nor anything else.

I did not learn this in church or in school. I learned this on the road to Damascus. I learned this through experiencing all of life’s ailments and trying to understand why. Through reading and interpreting through my own eyes, ears and heart. I learned this from the voice that was speaking softly inside me. Yes, all I ever need is inside me.

This Spirit enjoying this life in this body need only embrace each moment as an opportunity to love and forgive. That God of fear and sin? I don’t think he has been around since that nice man died on the Cross for us. Was that not the point of it all? That he would teach us so we could learn to walk one day, like him, in our own free will? We are evolving. The speed at which we continue to evolve will be determined by our willingness. Our willingness to explore the truth within our hearts. To speak our truth without the fear of societies judgments. I can’t control society, but with faith, I can control the fear.

Faith, Uncategorised

The endogenous journey

January 13, 2018

About me and introduction to my blog

This is the musings of a woman on the other side of 50 who one day said “I am a writer”. This made her happy, so then she knew it to be true.

I am finally evolving into my authentic self, embracing my spiritual being. I think I always knew this was where my truth lived, especially as a child. Like many humans trying to fit in and get along in the material world, I learnt to hide and then later on forget about my spirituality. I thought integrity, caring about others and following the golden rule was good enough. For me, what I was living was a mundane existence. I was an adventurer who never found her Shangri-La. I was so distracted by the sparkle and self will of the grown up world, I had forgotten I had set out to find something.

Did I have good times? Absolutely! Good times had been plentiful. Good friends, loving family, good life. Until it was not. Until I was broken, hopeless and helpless. How else does a divine intervention come along? It almost always happens this way. We shifters were so badly bruised and beaten that our ego and pride no longer mattered. We needed a life line, an oar, someone to throw us a life preserver. As we looked to our friends and loved ones, we realized no human power could help us. A lobotomy? A million dollars? A do-over? Whether it is shame, guilt, loss, victimhood, whatever. It does not matter. The pain and misery can be dulled by drugs and charity. A numb sense of temporary relief. But healing, the only path to hope and happiness does not arrive without wholesale change. Nothing less than a new truth, a new way of thinking. Why did it have to be this spiritual thing? Why something so uncomfortable that I have to drop my coolness? My new truth penetrating to my core. So profound that I don’t care what my friends or the world thinks of me. I have witnessed, I have felt and I have shifted.

So let me pound the keys like the emotions pound in my head. Let me try and see if this unfiltered crap finds its way to the screen and makes any sense. I am a human and I try hard, really really hard to live my life in an honest caring way. I don’t want to be held captive by anyone else’s beliefs. I don’t want your judgments sneak attacking my brain and causing me grief. I want to live a life of absolute love and freedom. I think everyone does, even those who don’t know it. Even those who deny it.

I am not looking to grow wings or sprout a halo, (although wings do sound appealing) but I do want to live by a code. My code, my contract that says always try to do the next right thing and answer from love and with love. Be kind and try to be better than I was yesterday. I spent years shadow boxing in the ego world, I know the appeal and I know the thrills. Yet I can’t go back, I could never go back. Not to the power plays, the need to control, the stress, the anger and resentments. Oh, it still creeps in at times, but that is the journey. To see it, to know it and to choose to stop it, to let it go and find peace.

When I commenced this endogenous journey, I had no idea it would present me with an opportunity to become whole. And for me, that is the appeal of the spiritual path. After a lifetime searching and running, I discovered the answers were inside me. The owners manual, the tools and the power. This Kumbaya word called love that gave me a lifetime of discomfort, is now the only thing I wish to understand, know and master. I don’t know if you can do such a thing as master love, but I do know I need to try.

I am an eternal spirit living inside a body. I am on a journey of self discovery. The more I learn about healing myself, the more I learn about love. The more I try to practice a non judgemental life of faith; a life of forgiveness and kindness: The more I witness grace and courage. The more I try to act with grace and courage, the closer I get to my purpose. What is my purpose? As of today I am still not sure. I am leaning towards it being one I share with all of humanity. To know, to understand, to feel and to be love.

I give a talk I call “Infinite Courage”. It is a labour of love for me. I plan on discussing parts of it on this blog over the next few months. In addition to the adult program, there is a basic and advanced workshop that has been created with a friend aimed at children 11 -14 and 15-18. We are promoting self confidance and positive choice making by teaching control over self (clean power), is far more effective than trying to control others (dirty power). We hope to give children the inner strength they need to deal with a wide range of emotions and social interactions. Our line of thinking is that perhaps we need to move away from the over use of that catch all negative word bully, and move towards the commonality that everyone wants to be respected, accepted and loved.

I hope you will follow along and let me know your thoughts.