This is the musings of a woman on the other side of 50 who one day said “I am a writer”. This made her happy, so then she knew it to be true.
I am finally evolving into my authentic self, embracing my spiritual being. I think I always knew this was where my truth lived, especially as a child. Like many humans trying to fit in and get along in the material world, I learnt to hide and then later on forget about my spirituality. I thought integrity, caring about others and following the golden rule was good enough. For me, what I was living was a mundane existence. I was an adventurer who never found her Shangri-La. I was so distracted by the sparkle and self will of the grown up world, I had forgotten I had set out to find something.
Did I have good times? Absolutely! Good times had been plentiful. Good friends, loving family, good life. Until it was not. Until I was broken, hopeless and helpless. How else does a divine intervention come along? It almost always happens this way. We shifters were so badly bruised and beaten that our ego and pride no longer mattered. We needed a life line, an oar, someone to throw us a life preserver. As we looked to our friends and loved ones, we realized no human power could help us. A lobotomy? A million dollars? A do-over? Whether it is shame, guilt, loss, victimhood, whatever. It does not matter. The pain and misery can be dulled by drugs and charity. A numb sense of temporary relief. But healing, the only path to hope and happiness does not arrive without wholesale change. Nothing less than a new truth, a new way of thinking. Why did it have to be this spiritual thing? Why something so uncomfortable that I have to drop my coolness? My new truth penetrating to my core. So profound that I don’t care what my friends or the world thinks of me. I have witnessed, I have felt and I have shifted.
So let me pound the keys like the emotions pound in my head. Let me try and see if this unfiltered crap finds its way to the screen and makes any sense. I am a human and I try hard, really really hard to live my life in an honest caring way. I don’t want to be held captive by anyone else’s beliefs. I don’t want your judgments sneak attacking my brain and causing me grief. I want to live a life of absolute love and freedom. I think everyone does, even those who don’t know it. Even those who deny it.
I am not looking to grow wings or sprout a halo, (although wings do sound appealing) but I do want to live by a code. My code, my contract that says always try to do the next right thing and answer from love and with love. Be kind and try to be better than I was yesterday. I spent years shadow boxing in the ego world, I know the appeal and I know the thrills. Yet I can’t go back, I could never go back. Not to the power plays, the need to control, the stress, the anger and resentments. Oh, it still creeps in at times, but that is the journey. To see it, to know it and to choose to stop it, to let it go and find peace.
When I commenced this endogenous journey, I had no idea it would present me with an opportunity to become whole. And for me, that is the appeal of the spiritual path. After a lifetime searching and running, I discovered the answers were inside me. The owners manual, the tools and the power. This Kumbaya word called love that gave me a lifetime of discomfort, is now the only thing I wish to understand, know and master. I don’t know if you can do such a thing as master love, but I do know I need to try.
I am an eternal spirit living inside a body. I am on a journey of self discovery. The more I learn about healing myself, the more I learn about love. The more I try to practice a non judgemental life of faith; a life of forgiveness and kindness: The more I witness grace and courage. The more I try to act with grace and courage, the closer I get to my purpose. What is my purpose? As of today I am still not sure. I am leaning towards it being one I share with all of humanity. To know, to understand, to feel and to be love.
I give a talk I call “Infinite Courage”. It is a labour of love for me. I plan on discussing parts of it on this blog over the next few months. In addition to the adult program, there is a basic and advanced workshop that has been created with a friend aimed at children 11 -14 and 15-18. We are promoting self confidance and positive choice making by teaching control over self (clean power), is far more effective than trying to control others (dirty power). We hope to give children the inner strength they need to deal with a wide range of emotions and social interactions. Our line of thinking is that perhaps we need to move away from the over use of that catch all negative word bully, and move towards the commonality that everyone wants to be respected, accepted and loved.
I hope you will follow along and let me know your thoughts.