love – Wendy Rae

Forgiveness

The Treasures You Seek

July 18, 2020

You matter to me.

For you are me and I am you.

Our interaction no matter how short in time,

is a part of our learning journey.

We will depart changed in thought from when we met.

Even if just by one stitch.

When I look at you,

And you look at me.

We will note the colour of each other’s skin, the clothes we wear.

There is no good, bad or anything in our pigments or our garments:

Only in our judgments.

My life, my journey, my learnings.

Your life, your journey, your learnings.

Will we share or will we opine and discriminate.

Your smile and open heart, my smile and open heart.

This is the foundation of relationships.

Every meeting, every moment:

This is where change occurs.

If we put a wall between those hearts,

Then our fear will grow.

If we trust without barriers,

Then our love will expand.

Until we forgive the stories of our past:

We will carry the weight of our ancestral battles into tomorrow.

The heaviness of victimhood, guilt and shame.

Until we correct any negative narratives in our thoughts:

We will hold our differences in contempt.

We will find exactly what we went forward seeking.

Go forward seeking only love from every encounter;

And you will be rewarded with love.

Seek to do battle and do not be surprised when you find one.

Before you go out on your adventure into the world:

Choose wisely the treasures you are seeking.

Faith, Featured, Higher Power, Hope, Love

Love Made Tangible

May 29, 2020

A small snippet from my labour of love play: The Wino, The Witch and The Writer.

This is an abridged version of Love Made Tangible

If there is nothing more, then we are nothing more. We are nothing!

How can it be anything else?

How can it be just an overwhelming collection of stuff? A walk in a Forrest of Fear.

Will I lose this? Will I miss this? Will I not be well?

What if? Oh, how I despise what if’s!

The party is wonderful until the money and wine run out. When the body screams no more and the mind is mangled and twisted in knots of guilt and apprehension. Fear that tomorrow will be something, something other than what we directed. And it will, for we have no control.

No control over the weather, over the elements. No control over the unexpected events.

Them, those people that ruined it, those people who did not walk and behave as they were directed, expected. They should have known better, they should have listened, they should have followed our lead.

How can it be anything else? If there is nothing more than why bother?

Why care how I got stuff?

Why care who I hurt, because you said it was wrong?

If there is nothing more, then tomorrow is nothing but another day to gather more stuff.

Another day to blame “them”.

If there is nothing more, then life is a race shaped by past and future years and not as present and eternal.

NO! I am alive and I am a brilliant energy!

I am dizzy with a desire to touch and breathe and see and taste.

I am alive and I will to give this gift of all gifts the honour it deserves.

I am alive and I can take each mind-altering emotion and immerse my soul into its lesson.

I am alive and my goal, of all goals, beyond any possession or moment of fame fortune and glory, beyond all else is to embrace Love.

To embrace, know, be, give, immerse and lie in this thing called Love.

I am alive and while I have this gift of life on earth,

I am Love made tangible.

Faith, Higher Power, Hope, Love

My Life Force Energy Swan Cloud.

October 25, 2019

Landslide and Higher Love= A tale of two songs

On Saturday evening, I was out for a walk and listening to a walkthrough for westerners of the Bhagavad Gita. My quest to communicate with my soul is expanding and going deeper than I ever fathomed. Listening to this timeless eastern philosophy, I became lost in thoughts of why and what is truth. I took a break from my walk, sat on a bench and focused my gaze on the beauty of the St Lawrence river. The brilliant sunshine was blanketing my body. The cooler fall air was refreshing my spirit. I was feeling content and at peace. My world was coming together. I was finally learning to be the pilot of my thoughts and emotions.

In this serene state of being, I watched in awe as this cloud rainbow manifested before my eyes. Was it an Angel ? God and a chariot (I was after all listening to “The Gita”)? Or a swan filled with the life force energy of love? The timing, the beauty of it all captivated me and caused my heart to swell. At that moment I was so keenly aware of my own loving life force energy.

I experienced this Stevie Nicks/ Fleetwood Mac “Landslide” moment. “Oh mirror in the sky what is love?” And – “Well I’ve been afraid of changing, Cause I’ve built my life around you.” – In my case it has been about leaving the old ego me behind. Wanting to grow beyond my shadows and face my truths.

As it began to dissipate, it looked like an eye was staring back at me.

And then I thought of Steve Winwood’s song, Higher Love. It brought me back to a time Seven years ago. I vividly remember being in a trance like state listening to that song and thinking- God, if you exist, please bring me a Higher Love. The world, as I saw it then, was anything but love.

I had no idea at the time, what that love or that God looked like. I had become so far removed from my true self. I had forgotten this body even had a spirit. A soul that was so much more than the wounded warrior I was feeding at the time. Landslide, Higher Love. This cloud and these songs were telling me something.

In that moment, it became clear as to what I was being shown. In Divine style, that once seemingly awkward God has filled my heart and completely changed my life; or at least my perception of life.

Ask and you shall receive? Bring me a Higher Love. Of all the things I asked for that I imagined would turn my life around, I now know that one ask was all that mattered. What we need, not what we think we need. Trust and surrender. So I have been graced with an understanding; a capacity to feel and create and learn to recognize, miracles and acts of love. The pure state of joy and peace found within the revelation. God heard my call and now I hear his. Bring me a Higher Love. With each step I learn to love more, he brings me closer to that Higher Love.

This journey of spiritual research and development I secretly and naively embarked upon, was it a result of that day? It has brought me through some hefty turmoil and raging fires. And sometimes, I feel it has been the cause of them. Internally and externally. It has been excruciatingly uncomfortable turning to something eschewed or scoffed at by so many. Soul searching alone in the wilderness pitting my loving heart against my ego mind. Redefining my definition of intellect. Wholesale change, a complete 180. Yet a 180 that has provided me the opportunity to see the world 360.

This is not religion! This is the knowing and the seeing. The truth of intuition. The understanding of what life can be, of what life is and who we are. We are energy, and when we connect to the source of our energy we are infinitely more than the limitations of self propelled power. Love is our source and it is the joy within each of us, to explore and determine what that love looks like. I call it God, but that is all encompassing. I still aspire for greater understanding.

St Lawrence river 5:14 pm October 19, 2019. How my Swan cloud looked 5 minutes prior.

“ I’ve been afraid of changing”- That landslide, that ego coming down. When we marinate silently in the anguish of perceived hurts, if we are open and willing; we will come face to face with that ego. When we courageously look upon the shadows that have created our fears; we realize they are nothing. We realize that the shadows are always so much larger than the monster we perceived. It is the illusion of the narrative. The world will think this, or this will happen- because our ego so smart by half thinks it knows all. Made up fear, non existent. All we ever had to do was face the little monster and not the massive shadows. Without fear we can finally see truth. For when truth sets in, it is not pin pointed or won over, it is just known.

5:25 pm

And so here I sit, seven years later, rethinking how I do life. The capacity of the human mind to learn and create and decipher is magnificent. Our existence and capabilities are an awe in their own right. Just as we do not rise up when we belittle others. Our capability to discern through science should be about bringing us closer to awe, not about trying to prove awe does not exist. Not trying to tear it down. Why do we strive to remove hope and love from our lives? Why? Does our ability to break down the awe into little ingredients make us happy?

It’s not that God put that cloud in the sky just for me to see, it’s that he placed me there and had me look up. He gave me a glimpse into the promise of spiritual fulfillment. Insight into what a Higher Love looks like. For all of those who needed it, who prayed for it, who were finally waking up and willing to see it. He painted the most beautiful picture and left an impression on our souls. Our life is a gift! Wonder and awe are always present. I just can’t see it sometimes. What always saves me from my ego is my faith in the mystery. “Oh Mirror in the sky, what is love?” I know when I open my eyes with my heart, I am completely whole in this Higher Love.

The child within, said “Embrace the magic.”

Faith, Higher Power, Hope, Love

Present In Love

May 23, 2019

Every once in a while I find myself compelled to throw some thoughts out to the world. This is one of those once in a while moments. It’s about Love, death and judgment.

A little over two weeks ago I was at work enjoying my lunch in the sunshine when I got the call. The call from someone that went through hoops to track me down. Someone who knew how close I was to Josh (not his real name). When he informed me of Joshes sudden passing the night before I was in shock to say the least. I was not expecting that, it was not the narrative I had created for Joshes life.

My relationship with Josh was complicated. Actually, that’s not true. I think when it comes to love in its purest form we had something special. We had no conditions, no judgments, no desires and for the most part no guilt. There was no history and no blame. It was all of 10 months and began with us meeting and having an instant connection. It ended, well, that is what this confused written piece is all about. How did it end?

I would describe Josh and I as close friend soul mates, step mother, step son- but not really. Josh was 19 years younger than me. He was mourning the loss of his Mother amongst other things when we met. His Mothers name was Wendy. That right there, even more than age will tell you it didn’t matter where the relationship might go, there was one place it would not go. God had placed us together for something else.

Initially he gave me the role of teacher and counsellor- At least that appeared to be the dynamics. – A little spiritual life coaching. He was reaching out for help. He was not only struggling with the loss of his Mother, Josh was also struggling with drug addiction and breaking up with the love of his life. Whilst you conjure up your own ideas of what a drug addict looks and behaves like, I promise you Josh will not fit the image in your head. He looked and behaved on the surface like the wholesome looking always smiling healthy, mischievous boy next door. The one you might want your daughter to marry. Regardless, he was struggling and wanted so desperately to be clean.

For the most part, Josh had all of the knowledge, tools and gifts needed to to carve out an amazing life. What he did not have was that connection from his heart to his mind. He either ran on ego, or he ran on an open heart. The open heart would get crushed or the ego would destroy him. He knew only two ways to live. Wide open and vulnerable – Or run, crash and burn.

Spending so much time with Josh, I was amazed by his lack of concern about the optics. I was this older woman he was seen with all over this small town. Walking, shopping, having coffees and going on drives. Movies, dinner. It didn’t matter, Josh never made me feel he wanted to be elsewhere. He had this amazing beautiful quality. I found myself wanting what Josh had. This unique ability to openly embrace the people in and around his life in the present moment. I wanted to learn how to remain present. To not be concerned what others around might think. What used to frighten me about societal judgment was losing its grip on me. Because of Josh I was learning to follow my heart and not my head in situations that used to make me uncomfortable. I told him my heart would say to hug someone but my ego told me not to. I saw in his actions that following the way of love was always the right response.

For the ten months that I knew him, Josh and I got together or spoke almost everyday. Oddly for me it was not suffocating. That was another unexpected gift of our relationship. We had a bond that was emotional, intellectual and spiritual. We talked about anything and everything without fear. No control, no judgment. I did not go home feeling energetically depleted. I began to wonder how much of my suffocation with people in the past had to do with unconsciously protecting, hiding and trying to be what I thought they wanted me to be. Josh was teaching me how to interact by just being me.

Which brings me back to the day May 6^th when I had been told of Joshes passing. I was in shock and I cried like a baby. I left work and cried all afternoon. I spoke with the hornet flying around my living room and called him Josh. I was under the impression it was an overdose and I let that hornet know I was angry, lost and heartbroken. Until the next day when I heard different, when I was told it was a heart attack. And then I was done. I had no tears left. And for the most part, from that day on, I have not felt empty and sad. I have questioned how could I have loved him and not be feeling sad? I miss him, but I have kept busy. Not to avoid facing the void, but because I am feeling empowered. I feel a resurgence of me. A new life, new inspiration.

A rainbow beginning to come out on the way to Joshes visitation. (Not his real name)

This is not about losing a close family member, for sure that is different. He may not have been in my life for very long. But as far as my life in Brockville is concerned, he was my best and only close friend. I chose that. So why don’t I cry anymore? Why do I not feel sadness? Josh had a huge impact on my life. Maybe if Josh had died from an overdose I would still be crying. But he didn’t. It was his heart, God took him. Which complicates my thoughts even more.

The last couple of months he was doing so well. I was watching the tides of change. He was handling life with a sense of purpose and confidence I had not seen from him before. His conversations were more often about joy and goals than they were about struggles. He was taking the lead in the direction of his life, no longer asking what he should do. Instead he was telling me what he was doing and why. He was becoming aware of his thought processes and avoiding the negativity that would send him spiralling towards using. He was feeling so much empathy towards others, aware of their needs. It was so promising and exciting to see the transition. Even more amazing was the clarity of his thoughts. He was connecting his heart and mind and challenging me when I was off balance. The answers he was providing me for complex choices had such wisdom.

I called it Agape, a Higher Love. I think our journey was spiritual in nature from the beginning. I thought I had a purpose in helping him find the strength and faith to overcome his dark shadows. I wanted to see him go on to do the great things I knew he had in him. If the journey however, is the evolution of our soul. Our lessons, our learning to love, our search for truth. Our connection to source and connection to others. Then I like to believe Josh found that connection to source. I like to believe he filled that giant hole in his stomach. I don’t weep because love wants connection, peace and joy. I think he finally found it.

Maybe deep down I knew we would eventually drift apart. There were no chains on our friendship. It was so beautiful in how free and balanced it was. We held immense gratitude in our hearts for each other, but I think somewhere, there was the knowledge it was for a season.

I believe every life, every connection is for a purpose. I couldn’t understand for all of the times Josh had almost died, why when it looked like he was getting it together he was taken from this world. I thought his life was going to be grand. We talked about all of the wonderful things available to him. His light was shining bright and his future was looking even brighter. Apparently the light he was seeing at the end of the tunnel, really was the brightest light of all.

Josh evolved beyond me and I love that. I am no longer sure of what purpose I served. But I do know what knowing Josh has done for me. He was in my life to teach me about love. Living in the present moment now has meaning to me. I don’t have to be anything for someone else. I don’t have to promise tomorrow for someone else. I just have to be present in love in the moment. Whatever choices and promises I make in that moment, if I pay attention to my highest self, those will be the right things to do. I need not offer more and I must not offer less. That is freedom. Josh is with me forever. The gifts he gave me in his presence that do not change. I think of Josh every day. I don’t cry: I feel peaceful, grateful, worthy and loved. In the GPS he provides me from above I hear him. Be present in love Wendy, be present in love. I love how the student became the master teacher. I love how love never ends.

Faith, Higher Power, Hope, Love

Who Is Your Contract With?

April 28, 2019

After a long and difficult winter, I am sitting by the river basking in the sun. I managed to come through it. Not the winter, which was harsh, but the dark hour of my soul that had moved in on me. That’s a pretty big statement isn’t it? I thought I had lived that years ago, but now I know different. And I feel different.

It was this past Easter weekend that I was reminded of that Sinead O’conner song “I Feel so different”. I absolutely do! And I think different. Change is hard. Transformation can be terrifying. What did not start out as a choice, has now become the passion upon which I live my life.

I had been Walking downtown looking for a place to buy a coffee. It was my annual “It’s Good Friday, I should go to church”. As I turned a corner I happened upon a community of people taking part in the walk of the Cross. Both church and the Cross make me uncomfortable. Not when I am alone, it’s so easy to be who you are when you are alone. No, the discomfort is acknowledging my truth in front of a society that dismisses or mocks these things. Seeing as how I was now in the midst of it, I had to join in. How could I turn my back on what has saved me? Not the church, but the Cross.

I respect and admire all of the kindness and charity of the church community. The wrong doings and mistakes of some leaders and followers are no different than society as a whole. Church is where people go for inspiration with their faith. Their own free will as with any other member of the human race is where they rise up or fall down. As for me? I have reserved church for Good Friday and Easter Sunday. The rest of the time I worship in nature and in solitude. I seek the answers to the mystery of life. I search for connection with a loving God. I continue to try and comprehend the lessons from the story of Jesus. A man whose strength, love and kindness are beyond my reach.

Which brings me back to the dark hour of my soul. You would think that was what I would use to describe the broken me of yesteryear. The one who was losing everything she held dearly and then more. No, that was the awakening. That was the beginning of my transformation from anger and resentments to learning to love life as it exists and in the moment. No, the dark hour is a battle with fear. It’s the most significant fork in the road you will ever encounter. Struggling to keep the faith when every door you knock on remains closed and has been locked. When your dreams are taking forever but your life is disappearing at the speed of light. When every idea is answered by doubt and every life boat is out of service. The dark hour where the Holy Spirit seems silent whilst the devil within tempts you to return to the insanity of the great I am. The world of self will and working fearfully for your daily bread.

When your ego is begging you to put the mask back on but your soul is shouting don’t pierce me again. That is the dark hour or the dark weeks as the case happened to be. The moments of truth where I had to decide who I was. Who was my contract with and on what belief system do I move forward.

The fear that grabbed a hold of me in February and March was like no other monster I had ever encountered. No matter how positive I tried to be, how strong and spiritually fit I thought I was. I was grossly unprepared for the ensuing battle. I was saying gratitude but not hearing it. Writing lists of gratitude but not feeling it. I was saying I was surrendering while digging my nails into what I refused to let go of. I was professing to believe and have faith while preparing my heart for defeat. The truth was, I was standing on the edge of no return. My faith was in jeopardy. The most dangerous words I have ever known were surfacing from within. The two words that I know would be my undoing. F#$@- It.

I never imagined I would be in this place. 5 years ago I was walking on a cloud promising myself I would hang onto that joy and love for the rest of my days. I worked it and fought to remain connected to it. Every tiny moment of doubt was met with a journal filled with the miracles and revelations I had witnessed. Yet here I was, ready to consider throwing in the towel and running back to the arms of my favourite vices. The pity party of all pity parties was being prepared in the back of my mind. Forget the multitude of blessings, miracles and revelations. Life was hard and I was struggling to find relief.

I stood on that ledge and stared into the abyss. I could no longer distinguish between truth and illusion. What was intuition and what was ego. If I had set my sights too high, could I recalibrate and find joy in anything less? I doubted it. I was so heavily invested in my dreams and they were not materializing as I had willed them to. I was not looking for instant gratification. I had been patient. It now appeared to me, that all was lost. That I had been chasing after an illusive life. Perhaps it was just not meant to be. Perhaps I was just a fool. And in that dark hour, I questioned how I ever let myself become so open and vulnerable. How did I end up in this place and who was I to want so much? My pride, my coolness, my drive. They all lay motionless in a heap. I stood naked on the ledge and thought now what?

Then “what”happened. My own words from 4 years ago when I did a crazy happiness experiment on Facebook kept showing up in my newsfeed memories. My own words from when I was living in joy. When I was still connected in a very powerful way to the source of my faith. In those words I saw where I had fallen. I saw how ever so slowly I had been allowing fear back inside my heart. That awkward Facebook experiment had come back to save me from myself. The revelations and I do mean revelations started to happen. My thoughts on the ledge took a 180 turn and the desire to run became a vision of freedom.

All that I had been clinging to was a made up version of how my life should unfold. Has it ever, does it ever unfold exactly as planned under our own direction? I had traded in the joy of the mystery and Aha moments. I was being guided by fear in search of guarantees. I was giving up the ecstasy of a life of passion in exchange for a life of safety in presumed certainty. I had forgotten how to enjoy the journey in light hearted wonder.

On that ledge I no longer saw the abyss. I saw my opportunity to take that leap of faith. And leap I did. I opened my heart in an act of vulnerability. I faced my biggest fear and I did not run and cower in shame. From that intimate act I found a strength and freedom the likes of which I have never known. I had dreamed of living my life like a wild horse. No longer saddled with society’s judgments. No longer bridled with unwarranted guilt. Guilt that held me down. Whispering in the back of my mind that I was not good enough for my dreams.

As that Sinead O’Conner song winds down she states “All that I ever needed was inside me” Her voice is passionate and haunting, her message is clear. She lost so much. So many friends yet she cannot go back. “I feel so different”. That was such a big part of the fear. I cannot go back. I cannot pretend that I do not know what I now know. Our fear of judgment is the greatest block to our freedom, to our healing. Anxiety, depression, addiction. Pharmaceuticals will not fix those things. Faith will. Without it, we remain hopeless for there is nothing to light the way. The illusion that we have control. The illusion that we are great on our own. The illusion that it is their fault. There is no them, it is us. We are great, we are miraculous when we connect to the source of our love. Every self help book. Every healing textbook. Every story of the journey to being saved. The words are different but the messages are the same as the ones we were given over 2000 years ago. The man on the Cross said to love and have faith. To believe. The law of attraction may be the rage, but it is not new.

This Easter I was reminded of the little girl in me that could not understand how we nailed such a good and kind man to the Cross. She carried that question in the back of her mind, somewhere strapped to her soul. She walked through the material world and felt the highs and the lows. When she awoke that question came back. How could we? Why did we? What is this life, this journey all about?

And in the dark hour when the choice comes, do I follow that kind man, or do I turn my back on him? Do I embrace the story or pretend it never happened? That road to Damascus life changing moment I had. If I dismiss that, then without doubt I dismiss my own soul. Call it what you want, the universe, a higher power, your higher self. It all comes down to that man on the Cross. Love, forgiveness, hope. Believing, faith, kindness. Not judging, not hating not clinging to fear. If the truth is not through Him, then one day, I die and it never mattered. If however the message of love continues on and life is eternal. Then I fear not death nor anything else.

I did not learn this in church or in school. I learned this on the road to Damascus. I learned this through experiencing all of life’s ailments and trying to understand why. Through reading and interpreting through my own eyes, ears and heart. I learned this from the voice that was speaking softly inside me. Yes, all I ever need is inside me.

This Spirit enjoying this life in this body need only embrace each moment as an opportunity to love and forgive. That God of fear and sin? I don’t think he has been around since that nice man died on the Cross for us. Was that not the point of it all? That he would teach us so we could learn to walk one day, like him, in our own free will? We are evolving. The speed at which we continue to evolve will be determined by our willingness. Our willingness to explore the truth within our hearts. To speak our truth without the fear of societies judgments. I can’t control society, but with faith, I can control the fear.

Uncategorised

Ode to Love and will you be my valentine?

February 14, 2018

Sisters

Dear love,

You are a need of which there should be no need,

for you are free and infinite.

You flow from depths unseen.

Your power Is unrivalled and your beauty is supreme.

You soar in endless abundance.

You can change the world with a silent whisper,

a life with a single touch.

You can stop a war with a thought and extend to every corner of the earth in an instant.

You can be held but never chained.

You can be poured but never emptied.

We are made from love to extend love. It is in giving love that I find more love and yet here used to lie my fear of love. Not so much would I ever find love but rather how do I give love? The fear that comes from doubt, how will this love be received? The fear that comes from a possible rejection, if I share this love will I lose this love? In giving love does it disappear?

Love asks for vulnerability, or does it? When anything is freely given, it asks for nothing in return. And so perhaps with love this holds true as well. If I have not held on to it, then how can it hurt me? If by extension it grows stronger and more vibrant then why do I fear its release? It is in its freedom, that it can expand and soar without restriction.

The fear comes when I confuse the extension of love with asking another to judge the worthiness of my love. I love you, do you love me? The confusion of what my love is. Is it me or a gift from me? Is love all of me or a thought from me? The illusion that the extension of love has a destination as opposed to a life of its own.

In learning to love myself, I discovered this truth. I am the first love that I turn to, or away from. I make every decision on how I Process information. What I choose to allow to grow inside me, is what I will have to share. Should I fill my heart with anger and resentments, then anger and resentments will come out. Should I judge myself unworthy then so shall the world. Not because they said it to be true, but because I told them so.

When I made the choice to seek beauty, I started to find it everywhere. As I began the journey to find love in all of its forms, I discovered magic and miracles. I realized it was the one thing that transcended

Love is all of us and that is my Kumbaya love story for today.

Love and hugs to all xoxo.

Faith, Featured, Hope

Dear Daughter

February 1, 2018

Best Mothers Day Ever!

Dear Daughter,

You are away at university. My little girl, my greatest gift. As much as I was excited to watch you spread your wings and fly, I was not ready for what that meant to me. I miss your energy, I truly, truly do. I do not wallow in any pain or sadness, it is just the realization that I need to up my game plan and fix that energy void.

I think of what I have taught you over the years and it hits me hard. I will never forget the day I was worried you might be hurt by some words in my book. you said to me “Mom, you do you and I’ll do me.” Wow, I thought I was the teacher; yet you brought me the lesson. In you I have changed and in me you have grown, how amazing is that? Over the course of the last 5 years I have drastically changed my perspective on life. What I have lived, what I have read, what I have witnessed. With an open heart these things finally sunk in. So in this moment of truth and clarity, it occurs to me there are things I said or did when you were young that I wish to ask you to un-learn. I have no doubt, you probably already have as you are quite clever. But just in case, I need to say this. It might actually help me up the energy vibe I miss so much.

Fear:

If when I taught you to be careful I made you fearful, then please un-learn that now. Fear is the biggest monster you will ever encounter. It freezes you, it controls you, it makes you mean and it robs you of your joy. Do not let fear run your life for it will limit you. It will keep you from pursuing your dreams and finding your purpose. Remember there is no such thing as “What If,” there is only “What is.”

Acceptance:

You must accept where you are but never accept that you cannot change where you are or how you feel about it. If I caught you too many times when you were falling, I apologize. I realize now that you must fall so you know how to get back up. We all must fall sometimes. It is here we start to truly understand humility. It is here we truly learn to be accepting, loving and gracious of others.

This is acceptance. You are here and want to be over there. Accept where you are and then choose to go forward. You cannot change how you arrived but you can change where you go next. Make sure you lighten the load and go forward in the direction of your choosing. Do not bring guilt and regret along for this next leg, leave them behind and carry only love. Love for you, for others and for what you do. There is nothing that lightens the load more than love.

Integrity:

Making the right choice is of you, it is in you. The right choice is not what you want the world to see of you, it is of you. Integrity is the easiest thing in the world to have, but sometimes it feels so hard to implement. I think everyone has integrity, it is the degrees of fear that make the difference between living with it, or without it. Do not be fearful of making the right choice, for it is only fear that will take you in the wrong direction. The right choice is easy, the answer is immediately in you. Go with what your intuition tells you, it is always right. If your intuition tells you not to go there, that is not fear talking, that is truth. But if fear tells you to lie, you will feel the discomfort and it is there the troubles will begin. Your integrity is intuitive, they blend together seamlessly. A life built on integrity will allow you to walk with courage and grace, not because you are trying to project it, but because it will be your truth.

Truth:

When you are uncertain in your decisions, use truth as your guiding light. Truth is not about showing the world you are right, it is about quietly learning what is right. Truth is knowing when to lead and when to follow. It is when to speak and when to listen. Truth is that you have no control over anything except your own actions and emotions. Your entire life will revolve around truth whether you are consciously looking or not. For it is in truth that life will make sense and give you joy. Truth will hit you hard on the head or bowl you over from behind if you try to ignore it. Truth will not go away and you can never hide it. EVER! If you put truth at the forefront of all of your actions, than never will it hurt you. If you choose to make it your guiding light, than even when you err, you will have won. For in that mistake you will have found something you were searching for.

Hope:

There is always hope as there are always miracles. By you being you. By living and loving and seeking all of the beauty and gifts in this life, you will inspire hope. By using the abundant energy that pulses in your being, you will be a conduent of hope. Hope infuses and ignites, it soothes and hydrates. Breathe hope into the world and it will never let you down. It will shine back at you in glorious magnificence.

Faith:

Get to know faith as intimately as you know yourself. In fact, faith will help you find out who you truly are if you trust it. Call it your higher self, higher power, God or the universe or whatever. Just know that there is something connected to your spirit that knows and loves you unconditionally. Something that will lift you up and guide you through things when no human power ever could.

You have no control so stop worrying. Do the next right thing and let go of the outcome. Faith is knowing that this is happening for you and not to you. That forgiveness and healing can be given and received in the moments when the fire has never seemed more out of control. Fear will never enter when you know that you are safe. Carry this always, for it will escort you through the darkest hours and allow you to grow joy from the least fertile of soils. In faith you will be fearless. You will not know depression nor will you be anxious. You will have the knowledge that everything is as it is meant to be. You will have infinite courage.

You, your friends, your generation. You excite and inspire me. You do not appear to be judgmental or reactionary. I believe that in all of you is an opportunity to bring forgiveness to the world and let the healing begin. That is it, isn’t it? Time we stop punishing each other for yesterday, time to let go of victimhood and pain- I don’t want this pain anymore, let it go! Time to begin anew with complete world forgiveness. Like the words you once said to me. “Mom, you do you and I’ll do me. “ Let’s stop trying to do each other. Stop trying to control one another, stop punishing one another, stop judging one another. You do you and I’ll do me and lets just move forward in love and forgive all of that stuff in the past. All that stuff we had nothing to do with, or never intended, or misunderstood, or wrongly judged. All that stuff we cannot change. Lets just all focus on fixing ourselves. You do you and I’ll do me and tomorrow will be bigger and brighter and more beautiful than we ever imagined. We will be free of guilt, free of anger, free of resentments and ready to love.

Wow, I just cannot believe all of the things you have taught me. Imagine all of this from “You do you and I’ll do me.”

Love you,

Mom

Faith, Uncategorised

40 Days and 40 Nights

January 22, 2018

I think I have finally said goodbye to all the chaos in my life. I think I finally grasped the lesson/ saw the light / nailed it!

Even as I write this I question whether or not it should be shared. Sometimes the greatest lessons come from the most humiliating or deepest of wounds. While I grew up learning to keep everything to myself, I now see the value in sharing. Soul truths are what I call my lessons that come from revelations. Huge, life changing revelations. These are lessons that leave me in awe and strengthen my faith. I am never able to accurately put them into words but I always feel a need to try. I am amazed at how a change in thinking and perception allows me to see the powerful truth on the other side of a burning bush.

40 Days ago I had a colonoscopy, yes the world does need to know this. It was not my first, it was actually my 4th in as many years- I am special that way. I had met with the Doctor on December 4th, we discussed scheduling my next one and whether it should be sooner or something we might delay for a bit. I voiced a concern, an unfounded fear I had based on a chance meeting with someone about 6 weeks prior. The woman I had met had just battled rectal cancer and was now living with a colostomy. I had felt a very strong connection with this woman and she had popped into my head the day before my appointment. I had a small concern, It was a little thing but the good Doctor agreed I could book for next available appointment.

Next available turned out to be February 5th, two months away. I asked the receptionist to call me if there were any cancellations. You must understand, I do not do such things, but my intuition dropped that thought in my head and I listened. Later that day I got a call from the Doctor’s office saying there was a cancellation for the following Monday, December 11th. I believe this is where writers use the term- As fate would have it. For no other reason than a feeling, I took it as a gift.

The day of the procedure I had decided I was going to try to quit smoking. Knowing I was going to have to go a few hours without a cigarette it just seemed right. As I stood outside the hospital puffing in the cold at 8:30 on a Monday morning, it hit me I had been smoking for 40 years. Logically there are a plethora of reasons not to smoke, but emotionally I just needed one to keep smoking. This was my best friend, the love I always ran to. Happy, sad, devastated or elated. Every emotion I ever encountered was shared with a cigarette, we ran away together and we were chained together. This day however, I felt there was a chance that with a little help from the universe, I might finally break free from my partner in crime. My partner who always kept me down, but was always there for me.

I was trying to tell them thank you and I love you. It was the only part of the dream I could remember. Everything else was evaporating. It was there on the tip of my brain and then it was gone. As I awakened from the anesthetic, the dream just prior, I thought I was screaming “Thank you, I love you.” They found it! How could I know “IT”was there, and under anesthetic how could I know to be grateful? Thank you and I love you. They don’t hear me, they keep talking. I say it again, I just want to tell you how grateful I am, thank you and I love you. Then I hear them say she is waking up.

I was feeling great joy. Although I only had a few words that I managed to retain from being under anesthetic, the feeling of joy was so intense. Was this an out of body experiance I had? Even if I was partially awake, why am I feeling so elated? Anesthetic usually makes me cry or groggy. A nurse came by and asked me if I was claustrophobic? Very, I replied, why? She said they may be booking a CT scan. I was not surprised or frightened, just curious.

The Doctor came to see me, they found something and it was not a good thing. She explained how it was in an awkward spot that was difficult to get to. How on some people she would never have been able to move the scope in such a way as to have seen it. What she found was a villus adenomous lesion that had to go. It was fairly large at 3.5 cm and she was only able to biopsy the outside edges. She had called in another Doctor to look and they had concerns about touching the middle and impacting someone’s ability to remove it. She added that even if it was not cancer at this stage, it was very likely to become cancer. It was so flat she was unable to remove it. Unlike my other ones in the past which were pre cancerous, this one was nastier and would possibly require surgery. This was my big unfounded fear. The surgery carried a strong possibility of a colostomy. Why had that beautiful woman I had met popped into my head and why was I so anxious to have this colonoscopy done early. Oddly, as the Doctor spoke of cancer, surgery and colostomy I was not feeling fearful. It was that dream I had awoken to in recovery. That joy and elation. Why was that subconscious me so incredibly happy? It’s like subconscious me knew that nasty had to be found early and then everything would be okay.

The next few weeks things proceeded quickly. The Doctor had mentioned Putting in a request for an MRI but they were backed up so she was not overly hopeful. I ended up being booked for December 27th which from what I have heard seemed lightening fast. She mentioned the biopsy would be a couple of weeks so with Christmas in there I would probably not know until the New Year. The results came early and due to a cancellation at her office I was able to meet the Doctor before Christmas to hear that the outside of the lesion was benign. She also mentioned a Doctor in Oakville that may have some ideas and possibly even be able to remove it endoscopicly. She said she would speak with him. The news just kept getting better.

January 2nd, the world just back from holidays I received a call first thing in the morning from a Doctors office in Oakville. I was being booked for a procedure January 12th. The paper work I received said I was having a flexible sigmoidoscopy. This procedure was used to examine, biopsy or remove a polyp. I asked the receptionist what the intent was and about the MRI results, she was unable to help and said I had to call my other Doctor. I did that, I called the other Doctor only to get a voice message stating they were closed until January 8th. I laughed a little that I had this thing booked and did not know what the plan was. I assumed it had to do with the MRI results, were there lymph nodes? Was there a reason to do another biopsy? How adhered was this lesion, were they going to look and see if they had any ideas on how to remove it without surgery? I graciously accepted I would just have to wait until the 8th to find out why this procedure was being booked. The fact that things were happening gave me peace. I knew this Doctor In Oakville, he was a like a colon specialist, he removed my previous ones that were outside of normal. This however was not a little Sunday drive precancerous polyp, it was a nasty little leech that had to go.

The next day, Tuesday I received another call from the Doctors office. They had a cancellation for Friday January 5th, they would like me to take it. I said yes but would somebody be able to tell me when I get there why I am having this done? What is the intent and do they have the results of my MRI. None of this is a complaint, it was curiousity. I was so grateful with how quickly things were moving, it was all so out of the ordinary and surreal.

So January 5th I am at the hospital and I meet with the Doctor. He does not know the results of the MRI but he assures me I am in the right hands and there will be no colostomy on his watch. I fall in love and call him my Angel. We discuss the procedure, he is going to look and possibly remove the lesion. Seriously? He might remove it? Today? We decide I will have it done without sedation as I am going to see The Killers in concert that night with my Daughter, nieces and nephew. This was a birthday gift I had been waiting 4 months to go to and the sedation would have placed a damper on it. This is all crazy.

They wheel me in. The nurses are surprised I am not being sedated and suggest an IV just in case. The Dr. says not to worry, I have met her before and she is tough. Well, I don’t want to disappoint my Angel Dr. who I am now elevating to ArchAngel, so I laugh and say I will be okay. I watch on a very clear tv screen as they begin. I know there are 3 people staring at my butt or at their own monitor showing the inside of my butt. I get a little worried about the no sedation when the DR says “Oh that is big”. My beautiful Archangel Dr. Was chatting away saying there will be no bag for you young lady. Did I tell you I fell in love with him?

Now I understand why people get sedated for this procedure. I think they told me there are no nerves in this area so I will not feel any pain from the scope. It can however, be very uncomfortable having your colon expanded by gas. Okay, yes that was quite uncomfortable but I think they should have told me I want the sedation to help with my loss of dignity. When they blow gas in, eventually it must come out and lord love a duck, it comes out sounding like a Harley Davidson on full throttle and lasting longer than an academy award speech. Thankfully I have a sense of humour because I believe I was orchestrating my own Killers concert in that tiny little room. But within 20-30 minutes it was over. Dr. Arch, Arch Angel had removed a lesion that was now 5 cm. It had grown 1.5 cm in 3 weeks.

My original colonoscopy date was February 5th. A gut feeling, some intuition and 3 cancellations later I walked out of the hospital on January 5th knowing I had just dodged a bullet or tip toed through land mines. Fate never looked so real to me. I carried that joy and gratitude from that dream on December 11th and believed that this was happening for me and not to me. I believed for the most part that everything was going to be okay, that somehow this would end up being a gift.

39 days ago ( the day after the discovery of the lesion) I found myself immersed in chaos at the office. Blindsided, completely off guard and out of the blue. It was ugly, it was frightening and bewildering. I am human so of course there was the immediate glare to the sky followed by the knee jerk WHY ME GOD! There was plenty of material at hand. Victimhood, anger, resentments. I was steadily making my way to the pity party of all pity parties, after all I have been through, I felt entitled. It was an everything moment, my ego was basking in the opportunity to get me back under its spell. Teetering on the brink, there you are my little precious, we will drop this crazy love, trust and surrender stuff and we will take you down the glorious path of vindication. We will get that sword back in your hand and ready you for battle.

I could have, I did start to suit up. I started to defend and hurl words back in anger, contempt and fear. It was the fear of course, even seeing it for what it was, I still could not control my emotions and my actions. Infinite Courage, do the next right thing, live from core not from ego. All the things I teach and know, all the tools were right in front of me yet as I picked them up it was like I had never held them before. My ego was being crushed and I was being dragged through the mud. I knew what doing the next right thing was, but I could not see ahead to the result that would satisfy me from any turn the other cheek forgiveness actions. I could see two people trying to punish each other when the reality was they had no control. Decisions from the past were blamed for creating this unforeseen and unsettling turn of events. He said and she said. Why do we humans always reach into the past for punishment. Why must all decisions that don’t turn out the way we want, require punishment. It was ugly and I had some moments I am not proud of. But also from this fire came some of the most powerful moments of grace I have ever witnessed.

Two people reliving a nightmare from their past. Two people who were previously so unfairly hurt and victimized now going into battle against each other. Both perceiving a different cause, a different view and a different solution. Neither one budging, neither one able to understand the other side. Perception! A difference in perception was all that stood between reconciliation and Armageddon. For me the AHA moment came. They say you will continue to live a lesson until you get it right. This extreme chaos is not something I wanted to live anymore. I had to find what doing the next right thing looked like. I had to put an end to this Groundhog Day movie. I shared this thought but it was not accepted. I put together a plan where I thought everybody won, but it was not accepted. I then spent two weeks trying to sell my plan or at least try and get my side of the story across. It was not accepted. There was only one answer, only one way this nightmare was going to proceed. The only option was non negotiable and already in play. It was his option and that was all.

I twisted and turned and meditated and yes I prayed. I asked every morning for strength to do the right thing and came home every night knowing I failed. We were both in the right and both in the wrong but neither was inherently bad. Until finally one day, in a moment of exasperation I sat still and surrendered. In the silence of my mind I asked for the words, what needed to be said? Forgiveness was all I heard. And as I told him I forgave him I knew I needed it too. Everything changed, the energy changed and all of the weight I did not even realize I was carrying left my body and soul instantly. I was free.

The right thing was not for me to force my will. I may have thought I had the perfect plan that was made with good intentions. But the right thing in this instance was for me to accept and walk away. The reason was not mine to know. The lesson however was acceptance, trust and surrender. I have no idea how many times I hit the brick wall before I got that lesson right. I was now free, and truly, for me, my happiness would only come with freedom.

So in 40 days and 40 nights I sailed through some pretty turbulent waters. I did not know where I was going but I always felt I would get through it. I had tremendous faith. My biggest fears never played out in the manner my mind preconceived. The what if’s never happened, and those nasty things I teach are happening for us and not to us. Hell yes they were! There is no amount of money that could have given me as much happiness as the freedom to live my own life again. I had not loved my business for over 8 years, maybe even a decade. The weight and responsibility was too much. I was a creator not a manager. An ideas person not an administrator. I could not love it and it was keeping me from being happy. My ego tried to keep me there, like I should be ashamed in saying this is not where my happiness lies.

After 40 years I quit smoking 40 days ago. I had every excuse in the world to put it off and pick one up. But I had one reason that kept me from doing so. I realized the most loving thing I could do in all the chaos was to love and do something for me . I was to learn to face life without running. I was to learn that faith can get you through anything. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, does anybody? I still have some results of the biopsy and MRI to hear about. I still have to go through some trying and difficult closures with the business. Whatever, neither of those issues own me anymore. Truly all we have is now and right now I want to live this New Year like I have never lived a year before. I want to be healthier than I have been in years. I want to go out more, write more and learn more. I want to laugh and dance without reservation. I want to build a new career that I love, hopefully healing and writing and workshops. Above all, I want to keep working on understanding this gift of life. This spiritual journey is so beautiful and abundant. Every time I operated from a place of acceptance, kindness, trust and faith, the results that followed were joy, awe and love. It does not get any better than that.

Seek beauty, always!

Faith, Uncategorised

The endogenous journey

January 13, 2018

About me and introduction to my blog

This is the musings of a woman on the other side of 50 who one day said “I am a writer”. This made her happy, so then she knew it to be true.

I am finally evolving into my authentic self, embracing my spiritual being. I think I always knew this was where my truth lived, especially as a child. Like many humans trying to fit in and get along in the material world, I learnt to hide and then later on forget about my spirituality. I thought integrity, caring about others and following the golden rule was good enough. For me, what I was living was a mundane existence. I was an adventurer who never found her Shangri-La. I was so distracted by the sparkle and self will of the grown up world, I had forgotten I had set out to find something.

Did I have good times? Absolutely! Good times had been plentiful. Good friends, loving family, good life. Until it was not. Until I was broken, hopeless and helpless. How else does a divine intervention come along? It almost always happens this way. We shifters were so badly bruised and beaten that our ego and pride no longer mattered. We needed a life line, an oar, someone to throw us a life preserver. As we looked to our friends and loved ones, we realized no human power could help us. A lobotomy? A million dollars? A do-over? Whether it is shame, guilt, loss, victimhood, whatever. It does not matter. The pain and misery can be dulled by drugs and charity. A numb sense of temporary relief. But healing, the only path to hope and happiness does not arrive without wholesale change. Nothing less than a new truth, a new way of thinking. Why did it have to be this spiritual thing? Why something so uncomfortable that I have to drop my coolness? My new truth penetrating to my core. So profound that I don’t care what my friends or the world thinks of me. I have witnessed, I have felt and I have shifted.

So let me pound the keys like the emotions pound in my head. Let me try and see if this unfiltered crap finds its way to the screen and makes any sense. I am a human and I try hard, really really hard to live my life in an honest caring way. I don’t want to be held captive by anyone else’s beliefs. I don’t want your judgments sneak attacking my brain and causing me grief. I want to live a life of absolute love and freedom. I think everyone does, even those who don’t know it. Even those who deny it.

I am not looking to grow wings or sprout a halo, (although wings do sound appealing) but I do want to live by a code. My code, my contract that says always try to do the next right thing and answer from love and with love. Be kind and try to be better than I was yesterday. I spent years shadow boxing in the ego world, I know the appeal and I know the thrills. Yet I can’t go back, I could never go back. Not to the power plays, the need to control, the stress, the anger and resentments. Oh, it still creeps in at times, but that is the journey. To see it, to know it and to choose to stop it, to let it go and find peace.

When I commenced this endogenous journey, I had no idea it would present me with an opportunity to become whole. And for me, that is the appeal of the spiritual path. After a lifetime searching and running, I discovered the answers were inside me. The owners manual, the tools and the power. This Kumbaya word called love that gave me a lifetime of discomfort, is now the only thing I wish to understand, know and master. I don’t know if you can do such a thing as master love, but I do know I need to try.

I am an eternal spirit living inside a body. I am on a journey of self discovery. The more I learn about healing myself, the more I learn about love. The more I try to practice a non judgemental life of faith; a life of forgiveness and kindness: The more I witness grace and courage. The more I try to act with grace and courage, the closer I get to my purpose. What is my purpose? As of today I am still not sure. I am leaning towards it being one I share with all of humanity. To know, to understand, to feel and to be love.

I give a talk I call “Infinite Courage”. It is a labour of love for me. I plan on discussing parts of it on this blog over the next few months. In addition to the adult program, there is a basic and advanced workshop that has been created with a friend aimed at children 11 -14 and 15-18. We are promoting self confidance and positive choice making by teaching control over self (clean power), is far more effective than trying to control others (dirty power). We hope to give children the inner strength they need to deal with a wide range of emotions and social interactions. Our line of thinking is that perhaps we need to move away from the over use of that catch all negative word bully, and move towards the commonality that everyone wants to be respected, accepted and loved.

I hope you will follow along and let me know your thoughts.

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