Browsing Tag

hope

Energy, Faith, gratitude, Higher Power, Higher self, Hope, Love, You Are Not The Boss Of Me

Another glimpse into “You Are Not The Boss Of Me”.

April 21, 2021
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How does one determine an audience for a memoir?  We are pieces of our experiences and the people we have met along the way. We are all so unique and mystical and diverse and yet still connected.. I do not know about you, but for me being pegged inside a box seems insulting. I like to believe I am authentic yet ever changing. I also like to believe my book appeals to an undetermined and unlimited demographic.

My greatest wish however, would be that young people gravitated to it. I would love for them to see the opportunities I  created from rose coloured glasses and blind faith. In all of my stories and lessons, in my victories and losses, lies an undeniable thread of faith. Faith in ourselves, in the goodness of people and in the source of our energy. Our Higher selves as some will say, God for others, law of attraction, vibration, whatever ones beliefs might be. For let me assure you, one of the greatest gifts of this human journey is our ability to choose what we believe. Why we belittle and look down upon those who follow their own intuitive reality is beyond me. Trying to solve the mystery, unlock the code, discover your soul, meet your spirit, be authentic and love in totality is the adventure. When we find ourselves in proximity to the truth, we are surrounded by joy and awe and ridiculously exciting goosebumps.

To our millennials and Gen Zedders. I hope by throwing my ego out the window in my book and sharing my sky 4EA0E70A-CEBA-4AA4-976B-3C34E910C4FEis falling apocalypses you come to understand you have nothing to fear. I hope you begin to question the illusion of  society and begin to see your life truly is the narrative you give it. Trusting and believing in hope and possibilities will offer you limitless potential where as living solely from left brain logic and the fear of judgment from others will become a prison of your own making.
Right and wrong are perception. When you realize the incredible goodness and moral compass that you rely upon is also the same one others are using, you understand our need for love, connection and unity. My book is  about forgiveness and facing fear and learning to love. My book is our story, it speaks to the desires, misguided frailties and limitless potential of who we are.

 

Featured, Forgiveness, Higher self, Hope, Love, Red Button

Only Love Lives In This House

April 7, 2021
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C17CF5D4-6E69-4EDC-B252-9BAFF013E85FDo you hear that voice?

It is your soul talking.

Heed it now.

It is no longer whispering.

Our children need us.

They are crying.

Heed them now.

It’s time to wake up.

Fear has entered.

like an odourless gas it permeates our homes.

Heed your soul now.

We must Awaken and save our children.

Fear has lied to us,

Be brave and face her. 

Her power is a false facade,

You need only say no.

No to the ego that desires adherence.

No to society’s demands of compliance.

No to all of fears threats of exile.

Open your heart to the power of your love.

Free the children.

Unbind them from fears clutches.

All our children,

Free them now.

They have voices that are not being heard.

Cries that are being dismissed.

Calls for love that we ignore.

Their innocence needs our strength.

Hear their voice. 

Wake up!

We must face that monster fear together.

Enough is enough.

Society’s judgment cannot be worth more than our children’s lives.

Stand together for the children and do not let fear threaten you with expulsion.

Turn around and say I heed the voice of my soul.

You fear, are being expelled from my home. 

This is a house where only love lives.

Love has the ultimate authority.

Love has absolute power.

Love is who and what we are.

 

 

Energy, Faith, Featured, gratitude, Higher Power, Higher self, Hope, Love

Generation Z- We Need You!

March 18, 2021
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 Dear next generation to rule the world, generation “Z”.

If it was up to me, I would dub you generation “Hope”. I would proclaim this not to pressure you but rather to help you rise above. Rise above the limitations of the material world. See past the old 3 dimensional view of the world and into the power of faith and beyond. 

I am not talking religion for that word alone has been anathematized beyond recognition. If you ever want to do a study on society’s illogical emotional responses to words, God and religion would top the list of contentious verbiage. Faith would be up there but still allows some semblance of sanity when used sparingly.

 What a great challenge for us philosophy nerds – are nerds on the endangered list yet?  Can we pinpoint the most prominent words that create the most discomfort and find a way to make them pure again. Not slang or words of hate, just simple descriptive words or names that create irrational responses. 

If any group of people can make this happen I think it is dear generation Z. Why? They don’t know better and know it all like those of us who have ripened. Our darling Zedders have grown up with the intellect of the world at their finger tips. I trust that they  are still willing to try different search engines and engage in thoughts and ideas that go beyond what is being fed to us on tv and social media.

 Oops, I digressed. Sorry! I do that, I am not the easiest writer to follow. Sometimes inside my head is an episode of hoarders and writing is how I declutter- protect yourself :).

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Back to faith: Faith; as I tend to state in numerous blogs, and an inordinate number of times at that, is the opposite of fear. Faith to me is the only organic, drug free tool that successfully combats depression, anxiety, doubt, stress, lethargy and a host of other complex human sufferings. Before I lose you thinking I am attacking science let me explain.

We are made of energy. Scientists (society’s Gods) have stated and proven this to be fact. I have never set foot in a physics class so I will not even attempt to go into detail. However, from what I have experienced and know, all energy has a source. Which means that we as energetic beings must have a source. So if I have an energy source, does it not make profound sense to try and connect to that source? To try and develop the best possible connection to that source with the least interference? Should that source not be where I go when I am feeling depleted? If there is a source from which I am energetically connected, does it not stand to reason that my emotional, intellectual and physical health are attached to it? 

I am not questioning medication as much as I am questioning a world that does not look at holistic and spiritual resources before introducing medicines that have been PROVEN to have other negative health impacts. Especially as it relates to our children. I do not blame anyone, not parents or health care practitioners and especially not the children. It is not about blame, it is about alternatives that societies prejudicial lens has denied or kept hidden. Once again- Generation Z, can you fix this and bring some  open minded collaborative thought and non explosive conversation to the table here? 

I don’t know about you, but I am of the belief that why would I settle for 150 amp service when I can try and connect to 3 phase power. Or better yet, those lithium crystals that powered the Starship Enterprise, or was it dilithium? Scotty would know, or Data. Would that not be the best green juice you ever drank? Just as we cannot see our energy field but we know it is there, we also cannot see our source. This is easy to follow right?

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know that I personally rise and fall based on my energetic health. Physical and emotional energy being the most prominent and obvious. Yes, we can operate at a base level self propelling on will power, but this method is limiting and completely dependant on outside events and other peoples energy to influence us.  If this is all you desire then stay in the basement and watch tv. If however, you wish more from life, then may I suggest you begin your search for your Source. You notice I said “Your” Source. That is because I honestly believe that determining your own beliefs and purpose is the kick ass exciting reason why we walk as individuals on this earth plane. It is your very own crazy adventure to carve out; why not make it the best life your heart/mind can create? 

Faith is trusting in something you cannot see but know without doubt it exists. You have to feel your way into connecting to it and this is where the miracles happen, where your reality begins to change and life flows to the mystic. This life of faith holds greater adventures, greater clarity and greater focus. I used three greater’s in a row just to drive the ego side of me crazy. The perfectionist is sitting in horror screaming you do not even need a thesaurus to find a better word. I love messing with my ego.

So back to dear generation Z. You have access to all the information of which I speak of. You don’t need to have been born to a family of quantum mechanical physicists or even influenced by the teachings of a wise Shaman or mystic or minister or high priestess. I think of myself as the “She-Wolf”; energized by the moon and the stars and the natural cycles of life both in the sky and on earth. Today anyways, tomorrow I might be spreading pixie dust or over analyzing spread sheets. 

The Sage has the wisdom to understand perception. To honour freedom, to seek truth, and to remain committed to the vision even as the world around appears to be crumbling. This is faith and this is knowing. We are energy, connected to source. We are capable of communicating at a higher level and when we grasp all that this means we will come face to face with human exceptionalism. 

I am sort of writing a book on this, but in the meantime my dear generation Zedders, here is why the spiritual realm is worth your attention. You will discover that fear is something you can control. All of these wars, and injustices and even our reaction to covid are  responses steeped in fear. How can we be living in a world of such vast abundance and yet so many people are feeling helpless, unloved and live in poverty? We have been sharing darkness and victimhood when we could have been giving and sharing from our abundance of light and joy. From a vibrational alignment of our choosing.

Joy is your birthright. Our optimum performance is when we are sharing our high vibrational loving energy. The law of attraction is real. What we extend is what we receive. Note this, look around at the extension of fear through tv, then stop and breathe and realize that your happy reality is just an opposite thought away. I am connected to Source, I am limitless and I am eternal because I am energy. I am a conscious bearer of light, I am an energy God that can make a difference by the simple act of sharing the energy of joy, hope and love. I make a difference in this world by holding up a mirror to you and showing you the incredible love and beauty I see inside you. You can do the same for others, it’s our function and it is your truth. 

Faith, gratitude, Higher Power, Higher self, Hope, Love, You Are Not The Boss Of Me

Chapter 4- Fly Like An Eagle

March 12, 2021

 

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I wrote You Are Not The Boss Of Me in stream of consciousness. Like the evolution of the book, it was not intentional.

I began writing “Boss” as a private letter in which I was sharing with unguarded honesty my gratitude to an unknown deity for an unfathomable happening. That secret letter, when I had completed it, seemed more like a chapter than a note. I vividly remember thinking, “oh,” I am writing a book; Or is that “We” are writing a book? And I remember intuitively knowing this book must be written from truth and with love. That chapter (11) had almost no edits and stream of consciousness became a great way of not only sharing from the most vulnerable of positions, it also became a way to explain actions through perception.

I call it our story as it is so relatable even if the events are different. We all fear and we all love. We all have perceived needs, strengths and doubts. I believe anyone that studies nature vs nurture will have their hands full of scenarios from my book to consider behavioural patterns. Anyone who is open minded and curious will be given ample material to continue questioning the spiritual and logical nature of life.

My biggest lesson from writing this has been learning to love myself. To be able to look at my failures and my victories and realize I am an invincible brilliant Spirit or a wounded human ego. Every single day I wake up, I get to choose whether I am love living in paradise where every desire and need is fulfilled; or will I be fear conspiring with a snake about how the world is not fair? More often than not,  I am choosing love, even in this world that appears to constantly be peddling fear.

 

 

Forgiveness, gratitude, Higher self, Hope, Love

Evolution Through Extension

March 11, 2021
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If we try and mandate Love,

We will create apathy.

When we demand kindness,

We will receive grievances.

Nothing holy comes from fear.

Love and kindness evolve from seeds:

Freely shared, happily planted

Joyously extended and reciprocated 

One day; we will choose to create from love instead of reacting to fear.

One day;  we will awaken in paradise. 

Faith, Featured, Forgiveness, Hope, Love

Did We Forget?

October 23, 2020
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When I created this banner last April I never dreamed we would have come this far in relinquishing our freedoms. I honestly believed we would see through the machinations of fear. I thought the lessons of Hitler and WW2 would have been enough to keep us vigilant whilst we stood on guard for freedom. But fear is powerful and hard to recognize under its cloak of deceit.

As time brings us closer to Remembrance Day, I find my heart filling with remorse. They fought for our freedom and we have not honoured our promise to maintain and protect it. I have begun to wonder why people bought poppies for all of these years: Was it just for appearances? Why have we stood in silence honouring those that risked and lost their lives for our freedom if we do not cherish it? I guess it is perception. I guess all these years as I stood in silence my mind was filled with thoughts that were different from others. There is no blame in that statement, no right or wrong, it is simply the freedom of acknowledging truth. We all perceive the world through our own lens. I thought freedom was something that stirred and mattered in all of our hearts. I thought exacting power and control over others by force was what we fought against, not what we celebrated. 

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You have the right to choose, the right to your own self determination, your own autonomy. In the context of so many of your favourite causes you would agree with that statement. Be it woman’s rights, your body, gender preference or loving who you love. So how can it be that those who so strongly believe in freedom of choice just placed a caveat upon it. A caveat that stipulates only if they agree with or care about the issue. Perhaps it is not freedom of choice but rather a world where everyone lives according to the same beliefs. A strange kind of world where we celebrate diversity and culture because we are not racists, but we abhor thought that does not go along with our own.

Where have we seen that world before? What could possibly go wrong when one segment of society determines the highest good for all? Was it kindness or arrogance that created the residential schools in Canada? Was it prudence or fear that made us build internment camps? While today we are building government isolation centres and stocking up on riot gear do you not wonder if we will ever evolve? When will we ever learn? Every atrocity and every war stems from our desire to exact power and control over another. We are reacting to fear. It is why we want power.

It is said, a  house divided will not stand. We are so terribly divided right now and our house is risking collapse if we do not find common ground. Or do you not want that? Do I no longer matter because my beliefs are in opposition to yours? Does the collapse of this house appeal to you? Once again, there is no judgment, no right and wrong. You keep choosing to judge me and never to hear me. I just ask you understand what our collapse means. We may not all survive it. I don’t want to see you suffer, I hope you feel the same for me.

The March of the Mask

The March of the Mask

I have a child’s wooden shoe that my Grandfather brought home from the Netherlands at the end of WW2. I keep wondering why I hold onto that shoe. The horrors behind it represents the pain of millions of souls. Maybe in some ways that shoe represented my Grandfathers holiness to me.That child who died in the streets was his reason for fighting, he was willing to give up his life to stop the evil that would harm our children. Barely outside of childhood himself when he went to war. That shoe also represents our brokenness, our fearfulness each time we point that gun at our brothers and sisters.

And there is the answer to my discomfort. I want to hold the world in contempt for what we have done. For spitting on their graves and saying our freedom does not matter. My Grandfather and his brothers and sisters, they faced real fear. They faced grenades and tanks and guns. They faced cold and disease. They faced hatred and evil. They faced all these things for our right to live in freedom. And now I am told freedom does not matter. I am told a flu like virus is apocalyptic and nothing I hold sacred matters. Yet the casualties of the battle cry far far outweigh the threat for the overwhelming majority of the population. We are destroying our country, our freedom and our children’s future over a narrative that never materialized. Yet people keep clinging to it even though we can see the monster is just a shadow of our fear. 

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I don’t have the pedigree to satisfy your judgment of me. But I hold a vision and I see another  way. It involves truth and forgiveness, a whole lot of forgiveness. It means we stop arguing in the cesspool and we start building in the light. We focus on solutions that speak for everyone. We focus on hope and possibilities. Dreams like maybe less consumerism, less stuff but also fewer working hours. More time for personal fulfillment, for our children, for helping others. More walks in nature so we need less medication. Less divisiveness and judgment between secular and faithful and more seeking to understand. Listening to and following our higher selves. What about seeking truth instead of victory. What about gratitude instead of entitlement. What if we worried less about what our neighbours did wrong and focused on cleaning up our own back yards? Dreams, these are just some of my dreams. They are not things for me to force upon another, they are part of a conversation. They are just dreams, visions and ideas. They are creations and they are my purpose. To create from love not react to fear.

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Please, buy the poppy because they deserve to be honoured and never forgotten. But before  you place it on your breast, ask yourself if you want the next generation to be able to live as freely as you have. Choose wisely for there are children who need us to start putting them first. Children who have borne the brunt of our fears. Todays seniors were the children of those who fought Hitler. They have benefited from those freedoms all their lives. Don’t let that legacy end with them suffering in loneliness and their grandchildren and great grandchildren sacrificing their childhoods and their future on an altar of fear. The experts were completely wrong in their apocalyptic predictions about the disease: But the propagandists were bang on in their assessment of our behaviour when motivated by fear.

Oh Canada, are you still the true north strong and free? Is anyone still standing on guard for thee? 

Faith, Featured, Higher Power, Hope, Love

Love Made Tangible

May 29, 2020
Sunrise on the St. Lawrence river. May 29, 2020

A small snippet from my labour of love play:  The Wino, The Witch and The Writer.

This is an abridged version of Love Made Tangible

If there is nothing more, then we are nothing more. We are nothing!
 How can it be anything else?
How can it be just an overwhelming collection of stuff? A walk in a Forrest of Fear.
Will I lose this?  Will I miss this?  Will I not be well?
What if? Oh, how I despise what if’s!
 The party is wonderful until the money and wine run out. When the body screams no more and the mind is mangled and twisted in knots of guilt and apprehension. Fear that tomorrow will be something, something other than what we directed. And it will, for we have no control.
No control over the weather, over the elements. No control over the unexpected events.  
 Them, those people that ruined it, those people who did not walk and behave as they were directed, expected. They should have known better, they should have listened, they should have followed our lead.
 How can it be anything else? If there is nothing more than why bother?
Why care how I got stuff?
Why care who I hurt, because you said it was wrong?
If there is nothing more, then tomorrow is nothing but another day to gather more stuff.
Another day to blame “them”.
If there is nothing more, then life is a race shaped by past and future years and not as present and eternal.
 NO! I am alive and I am a brilliant energy!
I am dizzy with a desire to touch and breathe and see and taste.
I am alive and I will to give this gift of all gifts the honour it deserves.
I am alive and I can take each mind-altering emotion and immerse my soul into its lesson.
I am alive and my goal, of all goals, beyond any possession or moment of fame fortune and glory, beyond all else is to embrace Love.
To embrace, know, be, give, immerse and lie in this thing called Love.
I am alive and while I have this gift of life on earth,
I am Love made tangible.
Faith, Higher Power, Hope, Love

My Life Force Energy Swan Cloud.

October 25, 2019
Landslide and Higher Love= A tale of two songs

On Saturday evening, I was out for a walk and listening to a walkthrough for westerners of the Bhagavad Gita. My quest to communicate with my soul is expanding and going deeper than I ever fathomed. Listening to this timeless eastern philosophy, I became lost in thoughts of why and what is truth. I took a break from my walk, sat on a bench and focused my gaze on the beauty of the St Lawrence river. The brilliant sunshine was blanketing my body. The cooler fall air was refreshing my spirit. I was feeling content and at peace. My world was coming together. I was finally learning to be the pilot of my thoughts and emotions.

In this serene state of being, I watched in awe as this cloud rainbow manifested before my eyes. Was it an Angel ? God and a chariot (I was after all listening to “The Gita”)?  Or a swan filled with the life force energy of love? The timing, the beauty of it all captivated me and caused my heart to swell. At that moment I was so keenly aware of my own loving life force energy. 

I experienced this Stevie Nicks/ Fleetwood Mac  “Landslide” moment. “Oh mirror in the sky what is love?” And – “Well I’ve been afraid of changing, Cause I’ve built my life around you.” – In my case it has been about leaving the old ego me behind. Wanting to grow beyond my shadows and face my truths. 

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As it began to dissipate, it looked like an eye was staring back at me.

And then I thought of  Steve Winwood’s song, Higher Love. It brought me back to a time Seven years ago.  I vividly remember being in a trance like state listening to that song and thinking- God, if you exist, please bring me a Higher Love. The world, as I saw it then, was anything but love.

I had no idea at the time, what that love or that God looked like. I had become so far removed from my true self. I had forgotten this body even had a spirit. A soul that was so much more than the wounded warrior I was feeding at the time. Landslide, Higher Love. This cloud and these songs were telling me something.

In that moment, it became clear as to what I was being shown. In Divine style, that once seemingly awkward God has filled my heart and completely changed my life; or at least my perception of life.

Ask and you shall receive? Bring me a Higher Love. Of all the things I asked for that I imagined would turn my life around, I now know that one ask was all that mattered. What we need, not what we think we need. Trust and surrender. So I have been graced with an understanding; a capacity to feel and create and learn to recognize, miracles and acts of love. The pure state of joy and peace found within the revelation. God heard my call and now I hear his. Bring me a Higher Love. With each step I learn to love more, he brings me closer to that Higher Love. 

This journey of spiritual research and development I secretly and naively embarked upon, was it a result of that day? It has brought me through some hefty turmoil and raging fires. And sometimes, I feel it has been the cause of them. Internally and externally. It has been excruciatingly uncomfortable turning to something eschewed or scoffed at by so many. Soul searching alone in the wilderness pitting my loving heart against my ego mind. Redefining my definition of intellect. Wholesale change, a complete 180. Yet a 180 that has provided  me the opportunity to see the world 360. 

This is not religion! This is the knowing and the seeing. The truth of intuition. The understanding of what life can be, of what life is and who we are. We are energy, and when we connect to the source of our energy we are infinitely more than the limitations of self propelled power. Love is our source and it is the joy within each of us, to explore and determine what that love looks like. I call it God, but that is all encompassing. I still aspire for greater understanding.

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St Lawrence river 5:14 pm October 19, 2019. How my Swan cloud looked 5 minutes prior.

“ I’ve been afraid of changing”-  That landslide, that ego coming down. When we marinate silently in the anguish of perceived hurts, if we are open and willing; we will come face to face with that ego. When we courageously look upon the shadows that have created our fears; we realize they are nothing. We realize that the shadows are always so much larger than the monster we perceived. It is the illusion of the narrative. The world will think this, or this will happen- because our ego so smart by half thinks it knows all. Made up fear, non existent. All we ever had to do was face the little monster and not the massive shadows. Without fear we can finally see truth. For when truth sets in, it is not pin pointed or won over, it is just known.

5:25 pm

5:25 pm

And so here I sit, seven years later, rethinking how I do life. The capacity of the human mind to learn and create and decipher is magnificent. Our existence and capabilities are an awe in their own right. Just as we do not rise up when we belittle others. Our capability to discern through science should be about bringing us closer to awe, not about trying to prove awe does not exist. Not trying to tear it down. Why do we strive to remove hope and love from our lives? Why? Does our ability to break down the awe into little ingredients make us happy?

It’s not that God put that cloud in the sky just for me to see, it’s that he placed me there and had me look up. He gave me a glimpse into the promise of spiritual fulfillment. Insight into what a Higher Love looks like. For all of those who needed it, who prayed for it, who were finally waking up and willing to see it. He painted the most beautiful picture and left an impression on our souls. Our life is a gift! Wonder and awe are always present. I just can’t see it sometimes. What always saves me from my ego is my faith in the mystery. “Oh Mirror in the sky, what is love?” I know when I open my eyes with my heart, I am completely whole in this Higher Love.

The child within, said “embrace the magic."

The child within, said “Embrace the magic.”

Faith, Higher Power, Hope, Love

Present In Love

May 23, 2019
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Every once in a while I find myself compelled to throw some thoughts out to the world. This is one of those once in a while moments. It’s about Love, death and judgment.

A little over two weeks ago I was at work enjoying my lunch in the sunshine when I got the call. The call from someone that went through hoops to track me down. Someone who knew how close I was to Josh (not his real name).  When he informed me of Joshes sudden passing the night before I was in shock to say the least. I was not expecting that, it was not the narrative I had created for Joshes life. 

My relationship with Josh was complicated. Actually, that’s not true. I think when it comes to love in its purest form we had something special. We had no conditions, no judgments, no desires and for the most part no guilt. There was no history and no blame. It was all of 10 months and began with us meeting and having an instant connection. It ended, well, that is what this confused written piece is all about. How did it end?

I would describe Josh and I as close friend soul mates, step mother, step son- but not really. Josh was 19 years younger than me. He was mourning the loss of his Mother amongst other things when we met. His Mothers name was Wendy. That right there, even more than age will tell you it didn’t matter where the relationship might go, there was one place it would not go. God had placed us together for something else. 

 Initially he gave me the role of teacher and counsellor- At least that appeared to be the dynamics. –  A little spiritual life coaching. He was reaching out for help.  He was not only struggling with the loss of his Mother,  Josh was also struggling with drug addiction and breaking up with the love of his life. Whilst you conjure up your own ideas of what a drug addict looks and behaves like, I promise you Josh will not fit the image in your head. He looked and behaved on the surface like the wholesome looking always smiling healthy, mischievous boy next door. The one you might want your daughter to marry. Regardless, he was struggling and wanted so desperately to be clean.

For the most part, Josh had all of the knowledge, tools and gifts needed to to carve out an amazing life. What he did not have was that connection from his heart to his mind. He either ran on ego, or he ran on an open heart. The open heart would get crushed or the ego would destroy him. He knew only two ways to live. Wide open and vulnerable – Or run, crash and burn. 

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Spending so much time with Josh, I was amazed by his lack of concern about the optics. I was this older woman he was seen with all over this small town. Walking, shopping, having coffees and going on drives. Movies, dinner. It didn’t matter, Josh never made me feel he wanted to be elsewhere. He had this amazing beautiful quality. I found myself wanting what Josh had. This unique ability to openly embrace the people in and around his life in the present moment. I wanted to learn how to remain present. To not be concerned what others around might think. What used to frighten me about societal judgment was losing its grip on me. Because of Josh I was learning to follow my heart and not my head in situations that used to make me uncomfortable. I told him my heart would say to hug someone but my ego told me not to. I saw in his actions that following the way of love was always the right response.

For the ten months that I knew him, Josh and I got together or spoke almost everyday. Oddly for me it was not suffocating. That was another unexpected gift of our relationship. We had a bond that was emotional, intellectual and spiritual. We talked about anything and everything without fear. No control, no judgment. I did not go home feeling energetically depleted. I began to wonder how much of my suffocation with people in the past had to do with unconsciously protecting, hiding and trying to be what I thought they wanted me to be. Josh was teaching me how to interact by just being me.

Which brings me back to the day May 6th when I had been told of Joshes passing. I was in shock and I cried like a baby. I left work and cried all afternoon. I spoke with the hornet flying around my living room and called him Josh. I was under the impression it was an overdose and I let that hornet know I was angry, lost and heartbroken. Until the next day when I heard different, when I was told it was a heart attack. And then I was done. I had no tears left. And for the most part, from that day on, I have not felt empty and sad. I have questioned how could I have loved him and not be feeling sad? I miss him, but I have kept busy. Not to avoid facing the void, but because I am feeling empowered. I feel a resurgence of me. A new life, new inspiration. 

A rainbow beginning to come out on the way to Joshes visitation.  (Not his real name)

A rainbow beginning to come out on the way to Joshes visitation. (Not his real name)

 

This is not about losing a close family member, for sure that is different. He may not have been in my life for very long. But as far as my life in Brockville is concerned, he was my best and only close friend. I chose that. So why don’t I cry anymore? Why do I not feel sadness? Josh had a huge impact on my life. Maybe if Josh had died from an overdose I would still be crying. But he didn’t. It was his heart, God took him. Which complicates my thoughts even more.

The last couple of months he was doing so well. I was watching the tides of change. He was handling life with a sense of purpose and confidence I had not seen from him before. His conversations were more often about joy and goals than they were about struggles. He was taking the lead in the direction of his life, no longer asking what he should do. Instead he was telling me what he was doing and why. He was becoming aware of his thought processes and avoiding the negativity that would send him spiralling towards using. He was feeling so much empathy towards others, aware of their needs. It was so promising and exciting to see the transition. Even more amazing was the clarity of his thoughts. He was connecting his heart and mind and challenging me when I was off balance. The answers he was providing me for complex choices had such wisdom. 

I called it Agape, a Higher Love. I think our journey was spiritual in nature from the beginning. I thought I had a purpose in helping him find the strength and faith to overcome his dark shadows. I wanted to see him go on to do the great things I knew he had in him. If the journey however, is the evolution of our soul. Our lessons, our learning to love, our search for truth. Our connection to source and connection to others. Then I like to believe Josh found that connection to source. I like to believe he filled that giant hole in his stomach. I don’t weep because love wants connection, peace and joy. I think he finally found it.

Maybe deep down I knew we would eventually drift apart. There were no chains on our friendship. It was so beautiful in how free and balanced it was. We held immense gratitude in our hearts for each other, but I think somewhere, there was the knowledge it was for a season. 

I believe every life, every connection is for a purpose. I couldn’t understand for all of the times Josh had almost died, why when it looked like he was getting it together he was taken from this world. I thought his life was going to be grand. We talked about all of the wonderful things available to him. His light was shining bright and his future was looking even brighter.  Apparently the light he was seeing at the end of the tunnel, really was the brightest light of all. 

Josh evolved beyond me and I love that. I am no longer sure of what purpose I served. But I do know what knowing Josh has done for me. He was in my life to teach me about love. Living in the present moment now has meaning to me. I don’t have to be anything for someone else. I don’t have to promise tomorrow for someone else. I just have to be present in love in the moment. Whatever choices and promises I make in that moment, if I pay attention to my highest self, those will be the right things to do. I need not offer more and I must not offer less. That is freedom. Josh is with me forever. The gifts he gave me in his presence that do not change. I think of Josh every day. I don’t cry: I feel peaceful, grateful, worthy and loved. In the GPS he provides me from above I hear him. Be present in love Wendy, be present in love. I love how the student became the master teacher. I love how love never ends.

Faith, Higher Power, Hope, Love

Who Is Your Contract With?

April 28, 2019

 

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After a long and difficult winter, I am sitting by the river basking in the sun. I managed to come through it. Not the winter, which was harsh, but the dark hour of my soul that had moved in on me. That’s a pretty big statement isn’t it? I thought I had lived that years ago, but now I know different. And I feel different.

It was this past Easter weekend that I was reminded of that Sinead O’conner song “I Feel so different”. I absolutely do!  And I think different. Change is hard. Transformation can be terrifying. What did not start out as a choice, has now become the passion upon which I live my life.

I had been Walking downtown looking for a place to buy a coffee. It was my annual “It’s Good Friday, I should go to church”. As I turned a corner I happened upon a community of people taking part in the walk of the Cross. Both church and the Cross make me uncomfortable. Not when I am alone, it’s so easy to be who you are when you are alone. No, the discomfort is acknowledging my truth in front of a society that dismisses or mocks these things. Seeing as how I was now in the midst of it, I had to join in. How could I turn my back on what has saved me? Not the church, but the Cross. 

I respect and admire all of the kindness and charity of the church community. The wrong doings and mistakes of some leaders and followers are no different than society as a whole. Church is where people go for inspiration with their faith. Their own free will as with any other member of the human race is where they rise up or fall down. As for me? I have reserved church for Good Friday and Easter Sunday. The rest of the time I worship in nature and in solitude. I seek the answers to the mystery of life. I search for connection with a loving God. I continue to try and comprehend the lessons from the story of Jesus. A man whose strength, love and kindness are beyond my reach.

Which brings me back to the dark hour of my soul. You would think that was what I would use to describe the broken me of yesteryear. The one who was losing everything she held dearly and then more. No, that was the awakening. That was the beginning of my transformation from anger and resentments to learning to love life as it exists and in the moment. No, the dark hour is a battle with fear. It’s the most significant fork in the road you will ever encounter. Struggling to keep the faith when every door you knock on remains closed and has been locked. When your dreams are taking forever but your life is disappearing at the speed of light. When every idea is answered by doubt and every life boat is out of service. The dark hour where the Holy Spirit seems silent whilst the devil within tempts you to return to the insanity of the great I am. The world of self will and working fearfully for your daily bread. 

When your ego is begging you to put the mask back on but your soul is shouting don’t pierce me again. That is the dark hour or the dark weeks as the case happened to be. The moments of truth where I had to decide who I was. Who was my contract with and on what belief system do I move forward.

Brockville

The fear that grabbed a hold of me in February and March was like no other monster I had ever encountered. No matter how positive I tried to be, how strong and spiritually fit I thought I was. I was grossly unprepared for the ensuing battle. I was saying gratitude but not hearing it. Writing lists of gratitude but not feeling it. I was saying I was surrendering while digging my nails into what I refused to let go of. I was professing to believe and have faith while preparing my heart for defeat. The truth was, I was standing on the edge of no return. My faith was in jeopardy. The most dangerous words I have ever known were surfacing from within. The two words that I know would be my undoing. F#$@- It.

I never imagined I would be in this place. 5 years ago I was walking on a cloud promising myself I would hang onto that joy and love for the rest of my days. I worked it and fought to remain connected to it. Every tiny moment of doubt was met with a journal filled with the miracles and revelations I had witnessed. Yet here I was, ready to consider throwing in the towel and running back to the arms of my favourite vices. The pity party of all pity parties was being prepared in the back of my mind. Forget the multitude of blessings, miracles and revelations. Life was hard and I was struggling to find relief. 

I stood on that ledge and stared into the abyss. I could no longer distinguish between truth and illusion. What was intuition and what was ego. If I had set my sights too high, could I recalibrate and find joy in anything less? I doubted it. I was so heavily invested in my dreams and they were not materializing as I had willed them to. I was not looking for instant gratification. I had been patient. It now appeared to me, that all was lost. That I had been chasing after an illusive life. Perhaps it was just not meant to be. Perhaps I was just a fool. And in that dark hour, I questioned how I ever let myself become so open and vulnerable. How did I end up in this place and who was I to want so much? My pride, my coolness, my drive. They all lay motionless in a heap. I stood naked on the ledge and thought now what?  

Then “what”happened. My own words from 4 years ago when I did a crazy happiness experiment on Facebook kept showing up in my newsfeed memories. My own words from when I was living in joy. When I was still connected in a very powerful way to the source of my faith. In those words I saw where I had fallen. I saw how ever so slowly I had been allowing fear back inside my heart. That awkward Facebook experiment had come back to save me from myself. The revelations and I do mean revelations started to happen. My thoughts on the ledge took a 180 turn and the desire to run became a vision of freedom. 

All that I had been clinging to was a made up version of how my life should unfold. Has it ever, does it ever unfold exactly as planned under our own direction? I had traded in the joy of the mystery and Aha moments. I was being guided by fear in search of guarantees. I was giving up the ecstasy of a life of passion in exchange for a life of safety in presumed certainty. I had forgotten how to enjoy the journey in light hearted wonder. 

On that ledge I no longer saw the abyss. I saw my opportunity to take that leap of faith. And leap I did. I opened my heart in an act of vulnerability. I faced my biggest fear and I did not run and cower in shame. From that intimate act I found a strength and freedom the likes of which I have never known.  I had dreamed of living my life like a wild horse. No longer saddled with society’s judgments. No longer bridled with unwarranted guilt. Guilt that held me down. Whispering in the back of my mind that I was not good enough for my dreams. 

As that Sinead O’Conner song winds down she states “All that I ever needed was inside me” Her voice is passionate and haunting, her message is clear. She lost so much. So many friends yet she cannot go back. “I feel so different”. That was such a big part of the fear. I cannot go back. I cannot pretend that I do not know what I now know. Our fear of  judgment is the greatest block to our freedom, to our healing. Anxiety, depression, addiction. Pharmaceuticals will not fix those things. Faith will. Without it, we remain hopeless for there is nothing to light the way. The illusion that we have control. The illusion that we are great on our own. The illusion that it is their fault. There is no them, it is us. We are great, we are miraculous when we connect to the source of our love. Every self help book. Every healing textbook. Every story of the journey to being saved. The words are different but the messages are the same as the ones we were given over 2000 years ago. The man on the Cross said to love and have faith. To believe. The law of attraction may be the rage, but it is not new. 

This Easter I was reminded of the little girl in me that could not understand how we nailed such a good and kind man to the Cross. She carried that question in the back of her mind, somewhere strapped to her soul. She walked through the material world and felt the highs and the lows. When she awoke that question came back. How could we? Why did we? What is this life, this journey all about? 

And in the dark hour when the choice comes, do I follow that kind man, or do I turn my back on him? Do I embrace the story or pretend it never happened? That road to Damascus life changing moment I had. If I dismiss that, then without doubt I dismiss my own soul. Call it what you want, the universe, a higher power, your higher self. It all comes down to that man on the Cross. Love, forgiveness, hope. Believing, faith, kindness. Not judging, not hating not clinging to fear. If the truth is not through Him, then one day, I die and it never mattered. If however the message of love continues on and life is eternal. Then I fear not death nor anything else. 

I did not learn this in church or in school. I learned this on the road to Damascus. I learned this through experiencing all of life’s ailments and trying to understand why. Through reading and interpreting through my own eyes, ears and heart. I learned this from the voice that was speaking softly inside me. Yes, all I ever need is inside me.  

 

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This Spirit enjoying this life in this body need only embrace each moment as an opportunity to love and forgive. That God of fear and sin? I don’t think he has been around since that nice man died on the Cross for us. Was that not the point of it all? That he would teach us so we could learn to walk one day, like him, in our own free will? We are evolving. The speed at which we continue to evolve will be determined by  our willingness. Our willingness to explore the truth within our hearts. To speak our truth without the fear of societies judgments. I can’t control society, but with faith, I can control the fear.