forgiveness – Wendy Rae

Faith, Featured, Forgiveness, Higher Power, Higher self, Hope, Love

Their Innocent Light Lives Eternal

August 10, 2021

Their voices could not be silenced.

Even from the grave,

The truth would always surface:

As sure as Spirit loves.

Not if, but when.

And then freedom does follow.

For truth sets our hearts free from the bondage of our shame.

It brings salvation to the impossible…..If we let it.

Mistaken as we may have been;

The wound was not the mistake.

It was the refusal to see our loyalty to fear.

As we seek to punish and lay blame we will be wrong.

It was not our ancestors our ministers and priests.

It was not our political leaders and the elites.

It was fear and our adherence to it.

The lies we tell ourselves to justify doing what goes against our very soul.

Look around you today…..

What lines does fear have us crossing?

Controlling, demanding, attacking and defending.

It never ends…….This need to be right.

Somewhere in this twisted chaos lies the miracle.

A time to forgive every act and every deed.

A time to unite on common ground.

A time to relinquish our desire for control.

For we are not monsters,

We are made zombies by fear.

We are the energy of love in a human form.

When we finally understand the eternal of our Spirit,

Death and disease will be gone,

Yet love will always remain.

Faith, Featured, Forgiveness, Higher Power, Higher self, Hope, Love

Fear Is The Monster! We Are Love: Not Fear.

June 10, 2021

Fear Is The Monster! We Are Love: Not Fear.

The discovery of a grave containing the bodies of 215 Indigenous children has played heavy on the hearts and minds of all Canadians. To me, there is nothing more sacred than the life of a child. The actions, the cover ups and the why are finally being recognized and discussed. Due to the passage of time, much will never be known and of course perception from a different generation makes for a very questionable jury.

Fear can make good people do and try to justify terrible things. Closed minded marriages to institutions and ideologies makes us prisoners of ignorance. We will always fall on the evil we try to hide. It is time for the Catholic Church and all other churches where they have been complicit to face their own hypocrisy. In the words of Jesus in Luke 12- “Beware of the Leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.” It does not matter if their very existence is at stake, the church has no standing if it continues to fail the very heart of Christianity by withholding truths and covering up or ignoring “misguided” actions.

There is no Christianity without The Christ who taught Love and relationships. He never demanded adherence through force and His teachings of sowing seeds, non judgment and forgiveness bears no resemblance to controlling and fearful kingdoms of deception. What form of Christianity were they teaching these children? Certainly in torture and judgment not one that looked anything like the ministry of Jesus whose teachings included dire warnings against those who would bring harm to a child. To ignore this?

The inescapable irony (if I may use that word here) being our own self righteous elitism that felt these children equally born to Spirit were in need of our “superior wisdom and cultured morality.” At the end of the day, we now see through the lens of history the ones in need of spiritual saving were not the little ones they were trying to convert, it was the learned ones trying to control the beliefs and lives of another. They were not sowing seeds of hope and love, they were planting fear and exacting control.

In our careless assumptions and lack of trust in each other we frame these acts as being about race and religion. Woven throughout history Black and White, French and English, German and Jew, Irish and Protestant. There is no lack of racial and religious history for us to war over. They might all look a little different but they are all the same. They are all fear. Forever and eternity our atrocities and genocides will continue until we stand together and face the monster that is fear. When we finally forgive, love and trust each other we stop trying to control. Our faith in our goodness sets us free from false narratives.

We must be careful not to judge our ancestors too harshly or lay any merciless guilt upon our nation. Colonization was all we knew and as a collective we probably saw residential schools as being a kind act of assimilation into what we blindly believed to be a more Civilized and altruistic society. What we see today is not the outcome anyone anticipated. In todays light our ancestors were terribly wrong. However we advance through trial and error and hindsight is 2020. Today our vision is not clouded with yesterdays fear. We are not fighting the same imaginary narratives or standing in our ancestors shoes where life was a constant battle of survival. I am not excusing the actions but I am forgiving my ancestors for what they did not know.

Todays battle with fear is in plain sight for those who choose to look. The Covid response with the implementation of mandatory mask wearing and coercive immunization is a prime example of the power of fear. The emergency measures, heavy handed monitoring and public shaming will be judged in the future. Will this be a shining moment in world unity and science saving humanity? Or will they condemn us for the unintended consequences of our actions against a false or manufactured crisis? Will the science save us or is it the most damaging experiment ever enacted in human history? Who will be the monster and who the victim? What monster will they blame for this atrocity? Who is the Us or Them that history will look upon? Will the monsters be those that complied or those who stood up? Like our ancestors we are following the directives of elites. Today we are swirling in the eye of the storm. We are blind to the truth because once again we chose not to face fear. In the future when history judges us it will be without fear writing the 6 O:Clock news. Without the perception of fear, the truth will be sitting in plain sight. Of course, if we choose to continue holding onto our ideologies at the expense of truth, the damage will continue to mount and our days in the sun will continue to be prolonged.

Three wise monkeys encourage us to see no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil. Change evil to fear and try to comprehend how over zealously spreading fear has impacted all of our lives, especially our children. For the sake of our joy we must stop giving fear centre stage. Why can’t we focus on our happiness, hope and possibilities. We need to have more faith in that which is pure and holy, to actually understand what that means with out cringing in religious fear. To know and understand the undeniable power of Love to fix our differences and heal our own mind, body and soul. Maybe it is time for the Academics, scientists and political elite to invite a carpenter to the table?

Nothing changes if nothing changes! Maybe if we stopped following the laws of false idols and started following the laws of the Universe we would truly begin to see the light. What we give we receive. What we teach we learn. What we seek we will find. Dare I believe things are starting to change? Are people starting to question, are they beginning to ask themselves if there really is more to their life than the accumulation of money, work, rinse and repeat?

We can continue with the insanity of doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result. We can continue to follow Fear as we have always done by controlling, punishing, blaming and hating. Or; we could try allowing and understanding and accepting and believing and loving. As I learned through an incredulous intervention “Be Still, and know.” We are safe, we are cared for, we are loved. It is only when we give the snake in the grass our ear that we find ourselves reacting to fear instead of creating in love.

My love and healing energy to all of my brothers and sisters in our Indigenous communities. I pray that one day soon we will finally learn and be able to forgive: Forgive our history, our present and each other. To move forward in truth without yesterdays dark shadows. How much deeper will we love each other when all hate and control and darkness are behind us? Love is always the answer. Love is always our greatest hope. May those 215 innocent souls guide us into the very heart of Spirit, the home from which we all came and the home we will always share.

Energy, Faith, gratitude, Higher Power, Higher self, Hope, Love, You Are Not The Boss Of Me

Another glimpse into “You Are Not The Boss Of Me”.

April 21, 2021

How does one determine an audience for a memoir? We are pieces of our experiences and the people we have met along the way. We are all so unique and mystical and diverse and yet still connected.. I do not know about you, but for me being pegged inside a box seems insulting. I like to believe I am authentic yet ever changing. I also like to believe my book appeals to an undetermined and unlimited demographic.

My greatest wish however, would be that young people gravitated to it. I would love for them to see the opportunities I created from rose coloured glasses and blind faith. In all of my stories and lessons, in my victories and losses, lies an undeniable thread of faith. Faith in ourselves, in the goodness of people and in the source of our energy. Our Higher selves as some will say, God for others, law of attraction, vibration, whatever ones beliefs might be. For let me assure you, one of the greatest gifts of this human journey is our ability to choose what we believe. Why we belittle and look down upon those who follow their own intuitive reality is beyond me. Trying to solve the mystery, unlock the code, discover your soul, meet your spirit, be authentic and love in totality is the adventure. When we find ourselves in proximity to the truth, we are surrounded by joy and awe and ridiculously exciting goosebumps.

To our millennials and Gen Zedders. I hope by throwing my ego out the window in my book and sharing my sky is falling apocalypses you come to understand you have nothing to fear. I hope you begin to question the illusion of society and begin to see your life truly is the narrative you give it. Trusting and believing in hope and possibilities will offer you limitless potential where as living solely from left brain logic and the fear of judgment from others will become a prison of your own making.
Right and wrong are perception. When you realize the incredible goodness and moral compass that you rely upon is also the same one others are using, you understand our need for love, connection and unity. My book is about forgiveness and facing fear and learning to love. My book is our story, it speaks to the desires, misguided frailties and limitless potential of who we are.

Forgiveness, gratitude, Higher self, Hope, Love

Evolution Through Extension

March 11, 2021

If we try and mandate Love,

We will create apathy.

When we demand kindness,

We will receive grievances.

Nothing holy comes from fear.

Love and kindness evolve from seeds:

Freely shared, happily planted

Joyously extended and reciprocated

One day; we will choose to create from love instead of reacting to fear.

One day; we will awaken in paradise.

Faith, Featured, Forgiveness, Hope, Love

Did We Forget?

October 23, 2020

When I created this banner last April I never dreamed we would have come this far in relinquishing our freedoms. I honestly believed we would see through the machinations of fear. I thought the lessons of Hitler and WW2 would have been enough to keep us vigilant whilst we stood on guard for freedom. But fear is powerful and hard to recognize under its cloak of deceit.

As time brings us closer to Remembrance Day, I find my heart filling with remorse. They fought for our freedom and we have not honoured our promise to maintain and protect it. I have begun to wonder why people bought poppies for all of these years: Was it just for appearances? Why have we stood in silence honouring those that risked and lost their lives for our freedom if we do not cherish it? I guess it is perception. I guess all these years as I stood in silence my mind was filled with thoughts that were different from others. There is no blame in that statement, no right or wrong, it is simply the freedom of acknowledging truth. We all perceive the world through our own lens. I thought freedom was something that stirred and mattered in all of our hearts. I thought exacting power and control over others by force was what we fought against, not what we celebrated.

You have the right to choose, the right to your own self determination, your own autonomy. In the context of so many of your favourite causes you would agree with that statement. Be it woman’s rights, your body, gender preference or loving who you love. So how can it be that those who so strongly believe in freedom of choice just placed a caveat upon it. A caveat that stipulates only if they agree with or care about the issue. Perhaps it is not freedom of choice but rather a world where everyone lives according to the same beliefs. A strange kind of world where we celebrate diversity and culture because we are not racists, but we abhor thought that does not go along with our own.

Where have we seen that world before? What could possibly go wrong when one segment of society determines the highest good for all? Was it kindness or arrogance that created the residential schools in Canada? Was it prudence or fear that made us build internment camps? While today we are building government isolation centres and stocking up on riot gear do you not wonder if we will ever evolve? When will we ever learn? Every atrocity and every war stems from our desire to exact power and control over another. We are reacting to fear. It is why we want power.

It is said, a house divided will not stand. We are so terribly divided right now and our house is risking collapse if we do not find common ground. Or do you not want that? Do I no longer matter because my beliefs are in opposition to yours? Does the collapse of this house appeal to you? Once again, there is no judgment, no right and wrong. You keep choosing to judge me and never to hear me. I just ask you understand what our collapse means. We may not all survive it. I don’t want to see you suffer, I hope you feel the same for me.

The March of the Mask

I have a child’s wooden shoe that my Grandfather brought home from the Netherlands at the end of WW2. I keep wondering why I hold onto that shoe. The horrors behind it represents the pain of millions of souls. Maybe in some ways that shoe represented my Grandfathers holiness to me.That child who died in the streets was his reason for fighting, he was willing to give up his life to stop the evil that would harm our children. Barely outside of childhood himself when he went to war. That shoe also represents our brokenness, our fearfulness each time we point that gun at our brothers and sisters.

And there is the answer to my discomfort. I want to hold the world in contempt for what we have done. For spitting on their graves and saying our freedom does not matter. My Grandfather and his brothers and sisters, they faced real fear. They faced grenades and tanks and guns. They faced cold and disease. They faced hatred and evil. They faced all these things for our right to live in freedom. And now I am told freedom does not matter. I am told a flu like virus is apocalyptic and nothing I hold sacred matters. Yet the casualties of the battle cry far far outweigh the threat for the overwhelming majority of the population. We are destroying our country, our freedom and our children’s future over a narrative that never materialized. Yet people keep clinging to it even though we can see the monster is just a shadow of our fear.

I don’t have the pedigree to satisfy your judgment of me. But I hold a vision and I see another way. It involves truth and forgiveness, a whole lot of forgiveness. It means we stop arguing in the cesspool and we start building in the light. We focus on solutions that speak for everyone. We focus on hope and possibilities. Dreams like maybe less consumerism, less stuff but also fewer working hours. More time for personal fulfillment, for our children, for helping others. More walks in nature so we need less medication. Less divisiveness and judgment between secular and faithful and more seeking to understand. Listening to and following our higher selves. What about seeking truth instead of victory. What about gratitude instead of entitlement. What if we worried less about what our neighbours did wrong and focused on cleaning up our own back yards? Dreams, these are just some of my dreams. They are not things for me to force upon another, they are part of a conversation. They are just dreams, visions and ideas. They are creations and they are my purpose. To create from love not react to fear.

Please, buy the poppy because they deserve to be honoured and never forgotten. But before you place it on your breast, ask yourself if you want the next generation to be able to live as freely as you have. Choose wisely for there are children who need us to start putting them first. Children who have borne the brunt of our fears. Todays seniors were the children of those who fought Hitler. They have benefited from those freedoms all their lives. Don’t let that legacy end with them suffering in loneliness and their grandchildren and great grandchildren sacrificing their childhoods and their future on an altar of fear. The experts were completely wrong in their apocalyptic predictions about the disease: But the propagandists were bang on in their assessment of our behaviour when motivated by fear.

Oh Canada, are you still the true north strong and free? Is anyone still standing on guard for thee?

Forgiveness

The Treasures You Seek

July 18, 2020

You matter to me.

For you are me and I am you.

Our interaction no matter how short in time,

is a part of our learning journey.

We will depart changed in thought from when we met.

Even if just by one stitch.

When I look at you,

And you look at me.

We will note the colour of each other’s skin, the clothes we wear.

There is no good, bad or anything in our pigments or our garments:

Only in our judgments.

My life, my journey, my learnings.

Your life, your journey, your learnings.

Will we share or will we opine and discriminate.

Your smile and open heart, my smile and open heart.

This is the foundation of relationships.

Every meeting, every moment:

This is where change occurs.

If we put a wall between those hearts,

Then our fear will grow.

If we trust without barriers,

Then our love will expand.

Until we forgive the stories of our past:

We will carry the weight of our ancestral battles into tomorrow.

The heaviness of victimhood, guilt and shame.

Until we correct any negative narratives in our thoughts:

We will hold our differences in contempt.

We will find exactly what we went forward seeking.

Go forward seeking only love from every encounter;

And you will be rewarded with love.

Seek to do battle and do not be surprised when you find one.

Before you go out on your adventure into the world:

Choose wisely the treasures you are seeking.

Faith, Higher Power, Hope, Love

Present In Love

May 23, 2019

Every once in a while I find myself compelled to throw some thoughts out to the world. This is one of those once in a while moments. It’s about Love, death and judgment.

A little over two weeks ago I was at work enjoying my lunch in the sunshine when I got the call. The call from someone that went through hoops to track me down. Someone who knew how close I was to Josh (not his real name). When he informed me of Joshes sudden passing the night before I was in shock to say the least. I was not expecting that, it was not the narrative I had created for Joshes life.

My relationship with Josh was complicated. Actually, that’s not true. I think when it comes to love in its purest form we had something special. We had no conditions, no judgments, no desires and for the most part no guilt. There was no history and no blame. It was all of 10 months and began with us meeting and having an instant connection. It ended, well, that is what this confused written piece is all about. How did it end?

I would describe Josh and I as close friend soul mates, step mother, step son- but not really. Josh was 19 years younger than me. He was mourning the loss of his Mother amongst other things when we met. His Mothers name was Wendy. That right there, even more than age will tell you it didn’t matter where the relationship might go, there was one place it would not go. God had placed us together for something else.

Initially he gave me the role of teacher and counsellor- At least that appeared to be the dynamics. – A little spiritual life coaching. He was reaching out for help. He was not only struggling with the loss of his Mother, Josh was also struggling with drug addiction and breaking up with the love of his life. Whilst you conjure up your own ideas of what a drug addict looks and behaves like, I promise you Josh will not fit the image in your head. He looked and behaved on the surface like the wholesome looking always smiling healthy, mischievous boy next door. The one you might want your daughter to marry. Regardless, he was struggling and wanted so desperately to be clean.

For the most part, Josh had all of the knowledge, tools and gifts needed to to carve out an amazing life. What he did not have was that connection from his heart to his mind. He either ran on ego, or he ran on an open heart. The open heart would get crushed or the ego would destroy him. He knew only two ways to live. Wide open and vulnerable – Or run, crash and burn.

Spending so much time with Josh, I was amazed by his lack of concern about the optics. I was this older woman he was seen with all over this small town. Walking, shopping, having coffees and going on drives. Movies, dinner. It didn’t matter, Josh never made me feel he wanted to be elsewhere. He had this amazing beautiful quality. I found myself wanting what Josh had. This unique ability to openly embrace the people in and around his life in the present moment. I wanted to learn how to remain present. To not be concerned what others around might think. What used to frighten me about societal judgment was losing its grip on me. Because of Josh I was learning to follow my heart and not my head in situations that used to make me uncomfortable. I told him my heart would say to hug someone but my ego told me not to. I saw in his actions that following the way of love was always the right response.

For the ten months that I knew him, Josh and I got together or spoke almost everyday. Oddly for me it was not suffocating. That was another unexpected gift of our relationship. We had a bond that was emotional, intellectual and spiritual. We talked about anything and everything without fear. No control, no judgment. I did not go home feeling energetically depleted. I began to wonder how much of my suffocation with people in the past had to do with unconsciously protecting, hiding and trying to be what I thought they wanted me to be. Josh was teaching me how to interact by just being me.

Which brings me back to the day May 6^th when I had been told of Joshes passing. I was in shock and I cried like a baby. I left work and cried all afternoon. I spoke with the hornet flying around my living room and called him Josh. I was under the impression it was an overdose and I let that hornet know I was angry, lost and heartbroken. Until the next day when I heard different, when I was told it was a heart attack. And then I was done. I had no tears left. And for the most part, from that day on, I have not felt empty and sad. I have questioned how could I have loved him and not be feeling sad? I miss him, but I have kept busy. Not to avoid facing the void, but because I am feeling empowered. I feel a resurgence of me. A new life, new inspiration.

A rainbow beginning to come out on the way to Joshes visitation. (Not his real name)

This is not about losing a close family member, for sure that is different. He may not have been in my life for very long. But as far as my life in Brockville is concerned, he was my best and only close friend. I chose that. So why don’t I cry anymore? Why do I not feel sadness? Josh had a huge impact on my life. Maybe if Josh had died from an overdose I would still be crying. But he didn’t. It was his heart, God took him. Which complicates my thoughts even more.

The last couple of months he was doing so well. I was watching the tides of change. He was handling life with a sense of purpose and confidence I had not seen from him before. His conversations were more often about joy and goals than they were about struggles. He was taking the lead in the direction of his life, no longer asking what he should do. Instead he was telling me what he was doing and why. He was becoming aware of his thought processes and avoiding the negativity that would send him spiralling towards using. He was feeling so much empathy towards others, aware of their needs. It was so promising and exciting to see the transition. Even more amazing was the clarity of his thoughts. He was connecting his heart and mind and challenging me when I was off balance. The answers he was providing me for complex choices had such wisdom.

I called it Agape, a Higher Love. I think our journey was spiritual in nature from the beginning. I thought I had a purpose in helping him find the strength and faith to overcome his dark shadows. I wanted to see him go on to do the great things I knew he had in him. If the journey however, is the evolution of our soul. Our lessons, our learning to love, our search for truth. Our connection to source and connection to others. Then I like to believe Josh found that connection to source. I like to believe he filled that giant hole in his stomach. I don’t weep because love wants connection, peace and joy. I think he finally found it.

Maybe deep down I knew we would eventually drift apart. There were no chains on our friendship. It was so beautiful in how free and balanced it was. We held immense gratitude in our hearts for each other, but I think somewhere, there was the knowledge it was for a season.

I believe every life, every connection is for a purpose. I couldn’t understand for all of the times Josh had almost died, why when it looked like he was getting it together he was taken from this world. I thought his life was going to be grand. We talked about all of the wonderful things available to him. His light was shining bright and his future was looking even brighter. Apparently the light he was seeing at the end of the tunnel, really was the brightest light of all.

Josh evolved beyond me and I love that. I am no longer sure of what purpose I served. But I do know what knowing Josh has done for me. He was in my life to teach me about love. Living in the present moment now has meaning to me. I don’t have to be anything for someone else. I don’t have to promise tomorrow for someone else. I just have to be present in love in the moment. Whatever choices and promises I make in that moment, if I pay attention to my highest self, those will be the right things to do. I need not offer more and I must not offer less. That is freedom. Josh is with me forever. The gifts he gave me in his presence that do not change. I think of Josh every day. I don’t cry: I feel peaceful, grateful, worthy and loved. In the GPS he provides me from above I hear him. Be present in love Wendy, be present in love. I love how the student became the master teacher. I love how love never ends.

Faith, Higher Power, Hope, Love

Who Is Your Contract With?

April 28, 2019

After a long and difficult winter, I am sitting by the river basking in the sun. I managed to come through it. Not the winter, which was harsh, but the dark hour of my soul that had moved in on me. That’s a pretty big statement isn’t it? I thought I had lived that years ago, but now I know different. And I feel different.

It was this past Easter weekend that I was reminded of that Sinead O’conner song “I Feel so different”. I absolutely do! And I think different. Change is hard. Transformation can be terrifying. What did not start out as a choice, has now become the passion upon which I live my life.

I had been Walking downtown looking for a place to buy a coffee. It was my annual “It’s Good Friday, I should go to church”. As I turned a corner I happened upon a community of people taking part in the walk of the Cross. Both church and the Cross make me uncomfortable. Not when I am alone, it’s so easy to be who you are when you are alone. No, the discomfort is acknowledging my truth in front of a society that dismisses or mocks these things. Seeing as how I was now in the midst of it, I had to join in. How could I turn my back on what has saved me? Not the church, but the Cross.

I respect and admire all of the kindness and charity of the church community. The wrong doings and mistakes of some leaders and followers are no different than society as a whole. Church is where people go for inspiration with their faith. Their own free will as with any other member of the human race is where they rise up or fall down. As for me? I have reserved church for Good Friday and Easter Sunday. The rest of the time I worship in nature and in solitude. I seek the answers to the mystery of life. I search for connection with a loving God. I continue to try and comprehend the lessons from the story of Jesus. A man whose strength, love and kindness are beyond my reach.

Which brings me back to the dark hour of my soul. You would think that was what I would use to describe the broken me of yesteryear. The one who was losing everything she held dearly and then more. No, that was the awakening. That was the beginning of my transformation from anger and resentments to learning to love life as it exists and in the moment. No, the dark hour is a battle with fear. It’s the most significant fork in the road you will ever encounter. Struggling to keep the faith when every door you knock on remains closed and has been locked. When your dreams are taking forever but your life is disappearing at the speed of light. When every idea is answered by doubt and every life boat is out of service. The dark hour where the Holy Spirit seems silent whilst the devil within tempts you to return to the insanity of the great I am. The world of self will and working fearfully for your daily bread.

When your ego is begging you to put the mask back on but your soul is shouting don’t pierce me again. That is the dark hour or the dark weeks as the case happened to be. The moments of truth where I had to decide who I was. Who was my contract with and on what belief system do I move forward.

The fear that grabbed a hold of me in February and March was like no other monster I had ever encountered. No matter how positive I tried to be, how strong and spiritually fit I thought I was. I was grossly unprepared for the ensuing battle. I was saying gratitude but not hearing it. Writing lists of gratitude but not feeling it. I was saying I was surrendering while digging my nails into what I refused to let go of. I was professing to believe and have faith while preparing my heart for defeat. The truth was, I was standing on the edge of no return. My faith was in jeopardy. The most dangerous words I have ever known were surfacing from within. The two words that I know would be my undoing. F#$@- It.

I never imagined I would be in this place. 5 years ago I was walking on a cloud promising myself I would hang onto that joy and love for the rest of my days. I worked it and fought to remain connected to it. Every tiny moment of doubt was met with a journal filled with the miracles and revelations I had witnessed. Yet here I was, ready to consider throwing in the towel and running back to the arms of my favourite vices. The pity party of all pity parties was being prepared in the back of my mind. Forget the multitude of blessings, miracles and revelations. Life was hard and I was struggling to find relief.

I stood on that ledge and stared into the abyss. I could no longer distinguish between truth and illusion. What was intuition and what was ego. If I had set my sights too high, could I recalibrate and find joy in anything less? I doubted it. I was so heavily invested in my dreams and they were not materializing as I had willed them to. I was not looking for instant gratification. I had been patient. It now appeared to me, that all was lost. That I had been chasing after an illusive life. Perhaps it was just not meant to be. Perhaps I was just a fool. And in that dark hour, I questioned how I ever let myself become so open and vulnerable. How did I end up in this place and who was I to want so much? My pride, my coolness, my drive. They all lay motionless in a heap. I stood naked on the ledge and thought now what?

Then “what”happened. My own words from 4 years ago when I did a crazy happiness experiment on Facebook kept showing up in my newsfeed memories. My own words from when I was living in joy. When I was still connected in a very powerful way to the source of my faith. In those words I saw where I had fallen. I saw how ever so slowly I had been allowing fear back inside my heart. That awkward Facebook experiment had come back to save me from myself. The revelations and I do mean revelations started to happen. My thoughts on the ledge took a 180 turn and the desire to run became a vision of freedom.

All that I had been clinging to was a made up version of how my life should unfold. Has it ever, does it ever unfold exactly as planned under our own direction? I had traded in the joy of the mystery and Aha moments. I was being guided by fear in search of guarantees. I was giving up the ecstasy of a life of passion in exchange for a life of safety in presumed certainty. I had forgotten how to enjoy the journey in light hearted wonder.

On that ledge I no longer saw the abyss. I saw my opportunity to take that leap of faith. And leap I did. I opened my heart in an act of vulnerability. I faced my biggest fear and I did not run and cower in shame. From that intimate act I found a strength and freedom the likes of which I have never known. I had dreamed of living my life like a wild horse. No longer saddled with society’s judgments. No longer bridled with unwarranted guilt. Guilt that held me down. Whispering in the back of my mind that I was not good enough for my dreams.

As that Sinead O’Conner song winds down she states “All that I ever needed was inside me” Her voice is passionate and haunting, her message is clear. She lost so much. So many friends yet she cannot go back. “I feel so different”. That was such a big part of the fear. I cannot go back. I cannot pretend that I do not know what I now know. Our fear of judgment is the greatest block to our freedom, to our healing. Anxiety, depression, addiction. Pharmaceuticals will not fix those things. Faith will. Without it, we remain hopeless for there is nothing to light the way. The illusion that we have control. The illusion that we are great on our own. The illusion that it is their fault. There is no them, it is us. We are great, we are miraculous when we connect to the source of our love. Every self help book. Every healing textbook. Every story of the journey to being saved. The words are different but the messages are the same as the ones we were given over 2000 years ago. The man on the Cross said to love and have faith. To believe. The law of attraction may be the rage, but it is not new.

This Easter I was reminded of the little girl in me that could not understand how we nailed such a good and kind man to the Cross. She carried that question in the back of her mind, somewhere strapped to her soul. She walked through the material world and felt the highs and the lows. When she awoke that question came back. How could we? Why did we? What is this life, this journey all about?

And in the dark hour when the choice comes, do I follow that kind man, or do I turn my back on him? Do I embrace the story or pretend it never happened? That road to Damascus life changing moment I had. If I dismiss that, then without doubt I dismiss my own soul. Call it what you want, the universe, a higher power, your higher self. It all comes down to that man on the Cross. Love, forgiveness, hope. Believing, faith, kindness. Not judging, not hating not clinging to fear. If the truth is not through Him, then one day, I die and it never mattered. If however the message of love continues on and life is eternal. Then I fear not death nor anything else.

I did not learn this in church or in school. I learned this on the road to Damascus. I learned this through experiencing all of life’s ailments and trying to understand why. Through reading and interpreting through my own eyes, ears and heart. I learned this from the voice that was speaking softly inside me. Yes, all I ever need is inside me.

This Spirit enjoying this life in this body need only embrace each moment as an opportunity to love and forgive. That God of fear and sin? I don’t think he has been around since that nice man died on the Cross for us. Was that not the point of it all? That he would teach us so we could learn to walk one day, like him, in our own free will? We are evolving. The speed at which we continue to evolve will be determined by our willingness. Our willingness to explore the truth within our hearts. To speak our truth without the fear of societies judgments. I can’t control society, but with faith, I can control the fear.

Faith, Featured, Hope

Dear Daughter

February 1, 2018

Best Mothers Day Ever!

Dear Daughter,

You are away at university. My little girl, my greatest gift. As much as I was excited to watch you spread your wings and fly, I was not ready for what that meant to me. I miss your energy, I truly, truly do. I do not wallow in any pain or sadness, it is just the realization that I need to up my game plan and fix that energy void.

I think of what I have taught you over the years and it hits me hard. I will never forget the day I was worried you might be hurt by some words in my book. you said to me “Mom, you do you and I’ll do me.” Wow, I thought I was the teacher; yet you brought me the lesson. In you I have changed and in me you have grown, how amazing is that? Over the course of the last 5 years I have drastically changed my perspective on life. What I have lived, what I have read, what I have witnessed. With an open heart these things finally sunk in. So in this moment of truth and clarity, it occurs to me there are things I said or did when you were young that I wish to ask you to un-learn. I have no doubt, you probably already have as you are quite clever. But just in case, I need to say this. It might actually help me up the energy vibe I miss so much.

Fear:

If when I taught you to be careful I made you fearful, then please un-learn that now. Fear is the biggest monster you will ever encounter. It freezes you, it controls you, it makes you mean and it robs you of your joy. Do not let fear run your life for it will limit you. It will keep you from pursuing your dreams and finding your purpose. Remember there is no such thing as “What If,” there is only “What is.”

Acceptance:

You must accept where you are but never accept that you cannot change where you are or how you feel about it. If I caught you too many times when you were falling, I apologize. I realize now that you must fall so you know how to get back up. We all must fall sometimes. It is here we start to truly understand humility. It is here we truly learn to be accepting, loving and gracious of others.

This is acceptance. You are here and want to be over there. Accept where you are and then choose to go forward. You cannot change how you arrived but you can change where you go next. Make sure you lighten the load and go forward in the direction of your choosing. Do not bring guilt and regret along for this next leg, leave them behind and carry only love. Love for you, for others and for what you do. There is nothing that lightens the load more than love.

Integrity:

Making the right choice is of you, it is in you. The right choice is not what you want the world to see of you, it is of you. Integrity is the easiest thing in the world to have, but sometimes it feels so hard to implement. I think everyone has integrity, it is the degrees of fear that make the difference between living with it, or without it. Do not be fearful of making the right choice, for it is only fear that will take you in the wrong direction. The right choice is easy, the answer is immediately in you. Go with what your intuition tells you, it is always right. If your intuition tells you not to go there, that is not fear talking, that is truth. But if fear tells you to lie, you will feel the discomfort and it is there the troubles will begin. Your integrity is intuitive, they blend together seamlessly. A life built on integrity will allow you to walk with courage and grace, not because you are trying to project it, but because it will be your truth.

Truth:

When you are uncertain in your decisions, use truth as your guiding light. Truth is not about showing the world you are right, it is about quietly learning what is right. Truth is knowing when to lead and when to follow. It is when to speak and when to listen. Truth is that you have no control over anything except your own actions and emotions. Your entire life will revolve around truth whether you are consciously looking or not. For it is in truth that life will make sense and give you joy. Truth will hit you hard on the head or bowl you over from behind if you try to ignore it. Truth will not go away and you can never hide it. EVER! If you put truth at the forefront of all of your actions, than never will it hurt you. If you choose to make it your guiding light, than even when you err, you will have won. For in that mistake you will have found something you were searching for.

Hope:

There is always hope as there are always miracles. By you being you. By living and loving and seeking all of the beauty and gifts in this life, you will inspire hope. By using the abundant energy that pulses in your being, you will be a conduent of hope. Hope infuses and ignites, it soothes and hydrates. Breathe hope into the world and it will never let you down. It will shine back at you in glorious magnificence.

Faith:

Get to know faith as intimately as you know yourself. In fact, faith will help you find out who you truly are if you trust it. Call it your higher self, higher power, God or the universe or whatever. Just know that there is something connected to your spirit that knows and loves you unconditionally. Something that will lift you up and guide you through things when no human power ever could.

You have no control so stop worrying. Do the next right thing and let go of the outcome. Faith is knowing that this is happening for you and not to you. That forgiveness and healing can be given and received in the moments when the fire has never seemed more out of control. Fear will never enter when you know that you are safe. Carry this always, for it will escort you through the darkest hours and allow you to grow joy from the least fertile of soils. In faith you will be fearless. You will not know depression nor will you be anxious. You will have the knowledge that everything is as it is meant to be. You will have infinite courage.

You, your friends, your generation. You excite and inspire me. You do not appear to be judgmental or reactionary. I believe that in all of you is an opportunity to bring forgiveness to the world and let the healing begin. That is it, isn’t it? Time we stop punishing each other for yesterday, time to let go of victimhood and pain- I don’t want this pain anymore, let it go! Time to begin anew with complete world forgiveness. Like the words you once said to me. “Mom, you do you and I’ll do me. “ Let’s stop trying to do each other. Stop trying to control one another, stop punishing one another, stop judging one another. You do you and I’ll do me and lets just move forward in love and forgive all of that stuff in the past. All that stuff we had nothing to do with, or never intended, or misunderstood, or wrongly judged. All that stuff we cannot change. Lets just all focus on fixing ourselves. You do you and I’ll do me and tomorrow will be bigger and brighter and more beautiful than we ever imagined. We will be free of guilt, free of anger, free of resentments and ready to love.

Wow, I just cannot believe all of the things you have taught me. Imagine all of this from “You do you and I’ll do me.”

Love you,

Mom