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Faith, Featured, Hope

Dear Daughter

February 1, 2018
    Best Mothers Day Ever!
Best Mothers Day Ever!

Best Mothers Day Ever!

Dear Daughter,

You are away at university. My little girl, my greatest gift. As much as I was excited to watch you spread your wings and fly, I was not ready for what that meant to me. I miss your energy, I truly, truly do. I do not wallow in any pain or sadness, it is just the realization that I need to up my game plan and fix that energy void.

I think of what I have taught you over the years and it hits me hard. I will never forget the day I was worried you might be hurt by some words in my book. you said to me “Mom, you do you and I’ll do me.” Wow, I thought I was the teacher; yet you brought me the lesson. In you I have changed and in me you have grown, how amazing is that? Over the course of the last 5 years I have  drastically changed my perspective on life. What I have lived, what I have read, what I have witnessed. With an open heart these things finally sunk in. So in this moment of truth and clarity, it occurs to me there are things I said or did when you were young that I wish to ask you to un-learn. I have no doubt, you probably already have as you are quite clever. But just in case, I need to say this. It might actually help me up the energy vibe I miss so much.

Fear:

If when I taught you to be careful I made you fearful, then please un-learn that now. Fear is the biggest monster you will ever encounter. It freezes you, it controls you, it makes you mean and it robs you of your joy. Do not let fear run your life for it will limit you. It will keep you from pursuing your dreams and finding your purpose. Remember there is no such thing as “What If,” there is only “What is.”

Acceptance:

You must accept where you are but never accept that you cannot change where you are or how you feel about it.  If I caught you too many times when you were falling, I apologize. I realize now that you must fall so you know how to get back up. We all must fall sometimes. It is here we start to truly understand humility. It is here we truly learn to be accepting, loving and gracious of others.

This is acceptance. You are here and want to be over there. Accept where you are and then choose to go forward. You cannot change how you arrived but you can change where you go next. Make sure you lighten the load and go forward in the direction of your choosing. Do not bring guilt and regret along for this next leg, leave them behind and carry only love. Love for you, for others and for what you do. There is nothing that lightens the load more than love.

Integrity:

Making the right choice is of you, it is in you. The right choice is not what you want the world to see of you, it is of you. Integrity is the easiest thing in the world to have, but sometimes it feels so hard to implement. I think everyone has integrity, it is the degrees of fear that make the difference between living with it, or without it. Do not be fearful of making the right choice, for it is only fear that will take you in the wrong direction. The right choice is easy, the answer is immediately in you. Go with what your intuition tells you, it is always right. If your intuition tells you not to go there, that is not fear talking, that is truth. But if fear tells you to lie, you will feel the discomfort and it is there the troubles will begin. Your integrity is intuitive, they blend together seamlessly. A life built on integrity will allow you to walk with courage and grace, not because you are trying to project it, but because it will be your truth.

Truth:

When you are uncertain in your decisions, use truth as your  guiding light.  Truth is not about showing the world you are right, it is about quietly learning what is right. Truth is knowing when to lead and when to follow. It is when to speak and when to listen. Truth is that you have no control over anything except your own actions and emotions. Your entire life will revolve around truth whether you are consciously looking or not. For it is in truth that life will make sense and give you joy. Truth will hit you hard on the head or bowl you over from behind if you try to ignore it. Truth will not go away and you can never hide it. EVER!  If you put truth at the forefront of all of your actions, than never will it hurt you. If you choose to make it your guiding light, than even when you err, you will have won. For in that mistake you will have found something you were searching for.

Hope:

There is always hope as there are always miracles. By you being you. By living and loving and seeking all of the beauty and gifts in this life, you will inspire hope. By using the abundant energy that pulses in your being, you will be a conduent of hope. Hope infuses and ignites, it soothes and hydrates. Breathe hope into the world and it will never let you down. It will shine back at you in glorious magnificence.

Faith:

Get to know faith as intimately as you know yourself. In fact, faith will help you find out who you truly are if you trust it. Call it your higher self, higher power, God or the universe or whatever. Just know that there is something connected to your spirit that knows and loves you unconditionally. Something that will lift you up and guide you through things when no human power ever could.

You have no control so stop worrying. Do the next right thing and let go of the outcome. Faith is knowing that this is happening for you and not to you.  That forgiveness and healing can be given and received in the moments when the fire has never seemed more out of control. Fear will never enter when you know that you are safe.  Carry this always, for it will escort you through the darkest hours and allow you to grow joy from the least fertile of soils.  In faith you will be fearless. You will not know depression nor will you be anxious. You will have the knowledge that everything is as it is meant to be. You will have infinite courage.

You, your friends, your generation. You excite and inspire me. You do not appear to be judgmental or reactionary. I believe that in all of you is an opportunity to bring forgiveness to the world and let the healing begin. That is it, isn’t it? Time we stop punishing each other for yesterday, time to let go of victimhood and pain- I don’t want this pain anymore, let it go! Time to begin anew with complete world forgiveness. Like the words you once said to me. “Mom, you do you and I’ll do me. “  Let’s stop trying to do each other. Stop trying to control one another, stop punishing one another, stop judging one another. You do you and I’ll do me and lets just move forward in love and forgive all of that stuff in the past. All that stuff we had nothing to do with, or never intended, or misunderstood, or wrongly judged. All that stuff we cannot change. Lets just all focus on fixing ourselves. You do you and I’ll do me and tomorrow will be bigger and brighter and more beautiful than we ever imagined. We will be free of guilt, free of anger, free of resentments and ready to love.

Wow, I just cannot believe all of the things you have taught me. Imagine all of this from “You do you and I’ll do me.”

Love you,

Mom

Faith, Uncategorised

40 Days and 40 Nights

January 22, 2018

imageI think I have finally said goodbye to all the chaos in my life. I think I finally grasped the lesson/ saw the light / nailed it!

Even as I write this I question whether or not it should be shared.  Sometimes the greatest lessons come from the most humiliating or deepest of wounds. While I grew up learning to keep everything to myself, I now see the value in sharing. Soul truths are what I call my lessons that come from revelations. Huge, life changing revelations.  These are lessons that leave me in awe and strengthen my faith. I am never able to accurately put them into words but I always feel a need to try. I am amazed at how a change in thinking and perception allows me to see the powerful truth on the other side of a burning bush.

40 Days ago I had a colonoscopy, yes the world does need to know this. It was not my first, it was actually my 4th in as many years- I am special that way. I had met with the Doctor on December 4th, we discussed scheduling my next one and whether it should be sooner or something we might delay for a bit. I voiced a concern, an unfounded fear I had based on a chance meeting with someone about 6 weeks prior. The woman I had met had just battled rectal cancer and was now living with a colostomy. I had felt a very strong connection with this woman and she had popped into my head the day before my appointment. I had a small concern, It was a little thing but the good Doctor agreed I could book for next available appointment.

Next available turned out to be February 5th, two months away. I asked the receptionist to call me if there were any cancellations. You must understand, I do not do such things, but my intuition dropped that thought in my head and I listened. Later that day I got a call from the Doctor’s office saying there was a cancellation for the following Monday, December 11th. I believe this is where writers use the term- As fate would have it. For no other reason than a feeling, I took it as a gift.

The day of the procedure I had decided I was going to try to quit smoking. Knowing I was going to have to go a few hours without a cigarette it just seemed right. As I stood outside the hospital puffing in the cold at 8:30 on a Monday morning, it hit me I had been smoking for 40 years. Logically there are a plethora of reasons not to smoke, but emotionally I just needed one to keep smoking. This was my best friend, the love I always ran to. Happy, sad, devastated or elated. Every emotion I ever encountered was shared with a cigarette, we ran away together and we were chained together. This day however, I felt there was a chance that with a little help from the universe, I might finally break free from my partner in crime. My partner who always kept me down, but was always there for me.

I was trying to tell them thank you and I love you. It was the only part of the dream I could remember. Everything else was evaporating. It was there on the tip of my brain and then it was gone. As I awakened from the anesthetic, the dream just prior, I thought I was screaming “Thank you, I love you.” They found it! How could I know “IT”was there, and under anesthetic how could I know to be grateful? Thank you and I love you. They don’t hear me, they keep talking. I say it again, I just want to tell you how grateful I am, thank you and I love you. Then I hear them say she is waking up.

I was feeling great joy. Although I only had a few words that I managed to retain from being under anesthetic, the feeling of joy was so intense. Was this an out of body experiance I had? Even if I was partially awake, why am I feeling so elated? Anesthetic usually makes me cry or groggy. A nurse came by and asked me if I was claustrophobic? Very, I replied, why? She said they may be booking a CT scan. I was not surprised or frightened, just curious.

The Doctor came to see me, they found something and it was not a good thing. She explained how it was in an awkward spot that was difficult to get to.  How on some people she would never have been able to move the scope in such a way as to have seen it. What she found was a villus adenomous lesion that had to go. It was fairly large at 3.5 cm and she was only able to biopsy the outside edges. She had called in another Doctor to look and they had concerns about touching the middle and impacting someone’s ability to remove it. She added that even if it was not cancer at this stage, it was very likely to become cancer. It was so flat she was unable to remove it. Unlike my other ones in the past which were pre cancerous, this one was nastier and would possibly require surgery. This was my big unfounded fear. The surgery carried a strong possibility of a colostomy. Why had that beautiful woman I had met popped into my head and why was I so anxious to have this colonoscopy done early. Oddly, as the Doctor spoke of cancer, surgery and colostomy I was not feeling fearful. It was that dream I had awoken to in recovery. That joy and elation. Why was that subconscious me so incredibly happy? It’s like subconscious me knew that nasty had to be found early and then everything would be okay.

The next few weeks things proceeded quickly. The Doctor had mentioned Putting in a request for an MRI but they were backed up so she was not overly hopeful. I ended up being booked for December 27th which from what I have heard seemed lightening fast. She mentioned the biopsy would be a couple of weeks so with Christmas in there I would probably not know until the New Year. The results came early and due to a cancellation at her office I was able to meet the Doctor before Christmas to hear that the outside of the lesion was benign. She also mentioned a Doctor in Oakville that may have some ideas and possibly even be able to remove it endoscopicly. She said she would speak with him. The news just kept getting better.

January 2nd, the world just back from holidays I received a call first thing in the morning from a Doctors office in Oakville. I was being booked for a procedure January 12th. The paper work I received said I was having a flexible sigmoidoscopy. This procedure was used to examine, biopsy or remove a polyp. I asked the receptionist what the intent was and about the MRI results, she was unable to help and said I had to call my other Doctor. I did that, I called the other Doctor only to get a voice message stating they were closed until January 8th. I laughed a little that I had this thing booked and did not know what the plan was. I assumed it had to do with the MRI results, were there lymph nodes? Was there a reason to do another biopsy? How adhered was this lesion, were they going to look and see if they had any ideas on how to remove it without surgery? I graciously accepted I would just have to wait until the 8th to find out why this procedure was being booked. The fact that things were happening gave me peace.  I knew this Doctor In Oakville, he was a like a colon specialist, he removed my previous ones that were outside of normal. This however was not a little Sunday drive precancerous polyp, it was a nasty little leech that had to go.

The next day, Tuesday I received another call from the Doctors office. They had a cancellation for Friday January 5th, they would like me to take it. I said yes but would somebody be able to tell me when I get there why I am having this done? What is the intent and do they have the results of my MRI. None of this is a complaint, it was curiousity. I was so grateful with how quickly things were moving, it was all so out of the ordinary and surreal.

So January 5th I am at the hospital and I meet with the Doctor. He does not know the results of the MRI but he assures me I am in the right hands and there will be no colostomy on his watch. I fall in love and call him my Angel. We discuss the procedure, he is going to look and possibly remove the lesion. Seriously? He might remove it? Today? We decide I will have it done without sedation as I am going to see The Killers in concert that night with my Daughter, nieces and nephew. This was a birthday gift I had been waiting 4 months to go to and the sedation would have placed a damper on it. This is all crazy.

They wheel me in. The nurses are surprised I am not being sedated and suggest an IV just in case. The Dr. says not to worry, I have met her before and she is tough. Well, I don’t want to disappoint my Angel Dr. who I am now elevating to ArchAngel, so I laugh and say I will be okay. I watch on a very clear tv screen as they begin. I know there are 3 people staring at my butt or at their own monitor showing the inside of my butt. I get a little worried about the no sedation when the DR says “Oh that is big”. My beautiful Archangel Dr. Was chatting away saying there will be no bag for you young lady. Did I tell you I fell in love with him?

Now I understand why people get sedated for this procedure. I think they told me there are no nerves in this area so I will not feel any pain from the scope. It can however, be very uncomfortable having your colon expanded by gas. Okay, yes that was quite uncomfortable but I think they should have told me I want the sedation to help with my loss of dignity. When they blow gas in, eventually it must come out and lord love a duck, it comes out sounding like a Harley Davidson on full throttle and lasting longer than an academy award speech. Thankfully I have a sense of humour because I believe I was orchestrating my own Killers concert in that tiny little room.  But within 20-30 minutes it was over. Dr. Arch, Arch Angel had removed a lesion that was now 5 cm. It had grown 1.5 cm in 3 weeks.

My original colonoscopy date was February 5th. A gut feeling, some intuition and 3 cancellations later I walked out of the hospital on January 5th knowing I had just dodged a bullet or tip toed through land mines. Fate never looked so real to me. I carried that joy and gratitude from that dream on December 11th and believed that this was happening for me and not to me. I believed for the most part that everything was going to be okay, that somehow this would end up being a gift.

39 days ago ( the day after the discovery of the lesion) I found myself immersed in chaos at the office. Blindsided, completely off guard and out of the blue. It was ugly, it was frightening and bewildering. I am human so of course there was the immediate glare to the sky followed by the knee jerk WHY ME GOD! There was plenty of material at hand. Victimhood, anger, resentments. I was steadily making my way to the pity party of all pity parties, after all I have been through, I felt entitled. It was an everything moment, my ego was basking in the opportunity to get me back under its spell. Teetering on the brink, there you are my little precious, we will drop this crazy love, trust and surrender stuff and we will take you down the glorious path of vindication. We will get that sword back in your hand and ready you for battle.

I could have, I did start to suit up. I started to defend and hurl words back in anger, contempt and fear. It was the fear of course, even seeing it for what it was, I still could not control my emotions and my actions. Infinite Courage, do the next right thing, live from core not from ego. All the things I teach and know, all the tools were right in front of me yet as I picked them up it was like I had never held them before. My ego was being crushed and I was being dragged through the mud. I knew what doing the next right thing was, but I could not see ahead to the result that would satisfy me from any turn the other cheek forgiveness actions. I could see two people trying to punish each other when the reality was they had no control. Decisions from the past were blamed for creating this unforeseen and unsettling turn of events. He said and she said.  Why do we humans always reach into the past for punishment. Why must all decisions that don’t turn out the way we want, require punishment. It was ugly and I had some moments I am not proud of. But also from this fire came some of the most powerful moments of grace I have ever witnessed.

Two people reliving a nightmare from their past. Two people who were previously so unfairly hurt and victimized now going into battle against each other. Both perceiving a different cause, a different view and a different solution. Neither one budging, neither one able to understand the other side. Perception! A difference in perception was all that stood between reconciliation and Armageddon. For me the AHA moment came. They say you will continue to live a lesson until you get it right. This extreme chaos is not something I wanted to live anymore. I had to find what doing the next right thing looked like. I had to put an end to this Groundhog Day movie. I shared this thought but it was not accepted. I put together a plan where I thought everybody won, but it was not accepted. I then spent two weeks trying to sell my plan or at least try and get my side of the story across. It was not accepted. There was only one answer, only one way this nightmare was going to proceed. The only option was non negotiable and already in play. It was his option and that was all.

I twisted and turned and meditated and yes I prayed. I asked every morning for strength to do the right thing and came home every night knowing I failed. We were both in the right and both in the wrong but neither was inherently bad. Until finally one day, in a moment of exasperation I sat still and surrendered. In the silence of my mind I asked for the words, what needed to be said? Forgiveness was all I heard. And as I told him I forgave him I knew I needed it too. Everything changed, the energy changed and all of the weight I did not even realize I was carrying left my body and soul instantly. I was free.

The right thing was not for me to force my will. I may have thought I had the perfect plan that was made with good intentions. But the right thing in this instance was for me to accept and walk away. The reason was not mine to know. The lesson however was acceptance, trust and surrender. I have no idea how many times I hit the brick wall before I got that lesson right. I was now free, and truly, for me, my happiness would only come with freedom.

So in 40 days and 40 nights I sailed through some pretty turbulent waters. I did not know where I was going but I always felt I would get through it. I had tremendous faith.  My biggest fears never played out in the manner my mind preconceived. The what if’s never happened, and those nasty things I teach are happening for us and not to us. Hell yes they were!  There is no amount of money that could have given me as much happiness as the freedom to live my own life again. I had not loved my business for over 8 years, maybe even a decade. The weight and responsibility was too much. I was a creator not a manager. An ideas person not an administrator. I could not love it and it was keeping me from being happy. My ego tried to keep me there, like I should be ashamed in saying this is not where my happiness lies.

After 40 years I quit smoking 40 days ago. I had every excuse in the world to put it off and pick one up. But I had one reason that kept me from doing so. I realized the most loving thing I could do in all the chaos was to love and do something for me . I was to learn to face life without running. I was to learn that faith can get you through anything. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, does anybody? I still have some results of the biopsy and MRI to hear about. I still have to go through some trying and difficult closures with the business. Whatever, neither of those issues own me anymore. Truly all we have is now and right now I want to live this New Year like I have never lived a year before. I want to be healthier than I have been in years. I want to go out more, write more and learn more. I want to laugh and dance without reservation. I want to build a new career that I love, hopefully healing and writing and workshops. Above all, I want to keep working on understanding this gift of life. This spiritual journey is so beautiful and abundant. Every time I operated from a place of acceptance, kindness, trust and faith, the results that followed were joy, awe and love. It does not get any better than that.

Seek beauty, always!

 

 

Faith, Uncategorised

The endogenous journey

January 13, 2018
image

About me and introduction to my blog

This is the musings of a woman on the other side of 50 who one day said “I am a writer”. This made her happy, so then she knew it to be true.

I am finally evolving into my authentic self, embracing my spiritual being. I think I always knew this was where my truth lived, especially as a child. Like many humans trying to fit in and get along in the material world, I learnt to hide and then later on forget about my spirituality. I thought integrity, caring about others and following the golden rule was good enough.  For me, what I was living was a mundane existence.  I was an adventurer who never found her Shangri-La. I was so distracted by the sparkle and self will of the grown up world, I had forgotten I had set out to find something.

Did I have good times? Absolutely! Good times had been plentiful. Good friends, loving family, good life. Until it was not. Until I was broken, hopeless and helpless. How else does a divine intervention come along? It almost always happens this way. We shifters were so badly bruised and beaten that our ego and pride no longer mattered. We needed a life line, an oar, someone to throw us a life preserver. As we looked to our friends and loved ones, we realized no human power could help us. A lobotomy? A million dollars? A do-over? Whether it is shame, guilt, loss, victimhood, whatever. It does not matter. The pain and misery can be dulled by drugs and charity. A numb sense of temporary relief. But healing, the only path to hope and happiness does not arrive without wholesale change. Nothing less than a new  truth, a new way of thinking. Why did it have to be this spiritual thing? Why something so uncomfortable that I have to drop my coolness?   My new truth penetrating to my core. So profound that I don’t care what my friends or the world thinks of me. I have witnessed, I have felt and I have shifted.

So let me pound the keys like the emotions pound in my head. Let me try and see if this unfiltered crap finds its way to the screen and makes any sense. I am a human and I try hard, really really hard to live my life in an honest caring way. I don’t want to be held captive by anyone else’s beliefs. I don’t want your judgments sneak attacking my brain and causing me grief. I want to live a life of absolute love and freedom. I think everyone does, even those who don’t know it. Even those who deny it.

I am not looking to grow wings or sprout a halo, (although wings do sound appealing) but I do want to live by a code. My code, my contract that says always try to do the next right thing and answer from love and with love. Be kind and try to be better than I was yesterday. I spent years shadow boxing in the ego world, I know the appeal and I know the thrills. Yet I can’t go back, I could never go back. Not to the power plays, the need to control, the stress, the anger and resentments. Oh, it still creeps in at times, but that is the journey. To see it, to know it and to choose to stop it, to let it go and find peace.

When I commenced this endogenous journey, I had no idea it would present me with an opportunity to become whole. And for me, that is the appeal of the spiritual path. After a lifetime searching and running, I discovered the answers were inside me. The owners manual, the tools and the power. This Kumbaya word called love that gave me a lifetime of discomfort, is now the only thing I wish to understand, know and master. I don’t know if you can do such a thing as master love, but I do know I need to try.

I am an eternal spirit living inside a body. I am on a journey of self discovery. The more I learn about healing myself, the more I learn about love. The more I try to practice a non judgemental life of faith; a life of forgiveness and  kindness: The more I witness grace and courage. The more I try to act with grace and courage, the closer I get to my purpose. What is my purpose?  As of today I am still not sure.  I am leaning towards it being one I share with all of humanity.  To know, to understand, to feel and to be love.

I give a talk I call “Infinite Courage”. It is a labour of love for me. I plan on discussing parts of it on this blog over the next few months. In addition to the adult program, there is a basic and advanced workshop that has been created with a friend aimed at children 11 -14 and 15-18. We are promoting self confidance and positive choice making by teaching control over self (clean power), is far more effective than trying to control others (dirty power). We hope to give children the inner strength they need to deal with a wide range of emotions and social interactions. Our line of thinking is that perhaps we need to move away from the over use of that catch all negative word bully, and move towards the commonality that everyone wants to be respected, accepted and loved.

I hope you will follow along and let me know your thoughts.

Faith, Featured

Seek Beauty

February 18, 2016
Seek beauty

We all have this unique amazing journey, it’s called life. None of us will go through it without trials and tribulations, perfection does not exist.

So as I navigate my way through each day, I have noted the way road blocks and various obstacles impact my well being. They create drama, they influence my attitude and they make me anxious.

They never bothered me as much in my youth. Tomorrow was a long way away, leaving me with the feeling I had forever to get it right. Everything was just a part of an exciting adventure when you are growing up.

Now, as I have reached the other side of 50, there is a sense of urgency. I know -or shall I say I think I know, where I want to go. Road blocks take up time and I am a little more aware of what that means. And that is the problem, we have this regimented vision of where we are going and anything that pops up we see as an obstacle.

When I focus on seeking beauty, it applies to everything and everyone. I really try and stop myself from getting caught in anxiety traps. A walk in nature is ideal, but if you cannot make that happen, do whatever you can to get out of your own way.

Yesterday was a perfect example of wasted time, unexpected problems and feelings of stress. When I realized what was happening, how I was reacting and what it was doing to my feelings of peace and happiness, I stopped and started positive self talk. I wish I had started doing that earlier in the day, breathing, letting go, taking myself out of the stress moment and focusing on what makes life pleasant. I stopped every controlling thought process and sought beauty, it transformed my day and reminded me how important it is to live in the moment.

When I seek beauty,  I know I am exactly where I am meant to be right now. I can accept and be at peace and know that each step forward is all that matters, not the horizon, just the step in front of me.

Faith, Featured

Intuition- Dare I say Faith

February 15, 2016

I have been working on listening to my intuition for over a year now. That little voice in our head that says something is wrong, or that feeling in your gut. I have taken it to another level where I am actually looking for clues, trying to live in the moment and see what has been placed in front of me as opposed to just getting to from point A to point B.

In this new light a number of things have happened. One instance was asking myself if I was making the right decision and walking outside to see a magnificent rainbow. That could be called coincidence but it felt glorious.

Another incident that happened a few months ago was far more profound. I had just left work and I was at a red light waiting to turn left, there was one car ahead of me. The light turned green and he did not move. Now I am not one to lean on the horn and think get moving you bleep bleep, I am more likely to give an uncomfortable beep to say oopsy you are day dreaming and have not noticed the light has changed :) On this day however, I stopped myself from honking, that little voice said be patient and wait. It seemed like an eternity but my friend ahead finally woke up and started to move…..Then life happened, he just missed being T-boned by a car that ran the red light at what seemed like a very high speed. Had I honked either he or I would have been hit, and when I say hit I mean hard. Had I honked and he had been hit I would have owned that guilt for the rest of my life. Had it been me that was hit, I would have had to have suffered those consequences whatever they were.

I have had a number of these situations over the course of my life and called them coincidences or weird. As time allows or when they come back to memory I hope to journal them or share them. It is something to think about and I would love to hear from others who have encountered similar moments. Times where you know there was something else at work, that side of life that we can not see or touch but know it is there.