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The endogenous journey

January 13, 2018
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About me and introduction to my blog

This is the musings of a woman on the other side of 50 who one day said “I am a writer”. This made her happy, so then she knew it to be true.

I am finally evolving into my authentic self, embracing my spiritual being. I think I always knew this was where my truth lived, especially as a child. Like many humans trying to fit in and get along in the material world, I learnt to hide and then later on forget about my spirituality. I thought integrity, caring about others and following the golden rule was good enough.  For me, what I was living was a mundane existence.  I was an adventurer who never found her Shangri-La. I was so distracted by the sparkle and self will of the grown up world, I had forgotten I had set out to find something.

Did I have good times? Absolutely! Good times had been plentiful. Good friends, loving family, good life. Until it was not. Until I was broken, hopeless and helpless. How else does a divine intervention come along? It almost always happens this way. We shifters were so badly bruised and beaten that our ego and pride no longer mattered. We needed a life line, an oar, someone to throw us a life preserver. As we looked to our friends and loved ones, we realized no human power could help us. A lobotomy? A million dollars? A do-over? Whether it is shame, guilt, loss, victimhood, whatever. It does not matter. The pain and misery can be dulled by drugs and charity. A numb sense of temporary relief. But healing, the only path to hope and happiness does not arrive without wholesale change. Nothing less than a new  truth, a new way of thinking. Why did it have to be this spiritual thing? Why something so uncomfortable that I have to drop my coolness?   My new truth penetrating to my core. So profound that I don’t care what my friends or the world thinks of me. I have witnessed, I have felt and I have shifted.

So let me pound the keys like the emotions pound in my head. Let me try and see if this unfiltered crap finds its way to the screen and makes any sense. I am a human and I try hard, really really hard to live my life in an honest caring way. I don’t want to be held captive by anyone else’s beliefs. I don’t want your judgments sneak attacking my brain and causing me grief. I want to live a life of absolute love and freedom. I think everyone does, even those who don’t know it. Even those who deny it.

I am not looking to grow wings or sprout a halo, (although wings do sound appealing) but I do want to live by a code. My code, my contract that says always try to do the next right thing and answer from love and with love. Be kind and try to be better than I was yesterday. I spent years shadow boxing in the ego world, I know the appeal and I know the thrills. Yet I can’t go back, I could never go back. Not to the power plays, the need to control, the stress, the anger and resentments. Oh, it still creeps in at times, but that is the journey. To see it, to know it and to choose to stop it, to let it go and find peace.

When I commenced this endogenous journey, I had no idea it would present me with an opportunity to become whole. And for me, that is the appeal of the spiritual path. After a lifetime searching and running, I discovered the answers were inside me. The owners manual, the tools and the power. This Kumbaya word called love that gave me a lifetime of discomfort, is now the only thing I wish to understand, know and master. I don’t know if you can do such a thing as master love, but I do know I need to try.

I am an eternal spirit living inside a body. I am on a journey of self discovery. The more I learn about healing myself, the more I learn about love. The more I try to practice a non judgemental life of faith; a life of forgiveness and  kindness: The more I witness grace and courage. The more I try to act with grace and courage, the closer I get to my purpose. What is my purpose?  As of today I am still not sure.  I am leaning towards it being one I share with all of humanity.  To know, to understand, to feel and to be love.

I give a talk I call “Infinite Courage”. It is a labour of love for me. I plan on discussing parts of it on this blog over the next few months. In addition to the adult program, there is a basic and advanced workshop that has been created with a friend aimed at children 11 -14 and 15-18. We are promoting self confidance and positive choice making by teaching control over self (clean power), is far more effective than trying to control others (dirty power). We hope to give children the inner strength they need to deal with a wide range of emotions and social interactions. Our line of thinking is that perhaps we need to move away from the over use of that catch all negative word bully, and move towards the commonality that everyone wants to be respected, accepted and loved.

I hope you will follow along and let me know your thoughts.

Faith, Featured

Seek Beauty

February 18, 2016
Seek beauty

We all have this unique amazing journey, it’s called life. None of us will go through it without trials and tribulations, perfection does not exist.

So as I navigate my way through each day, I have noted the way road blocks and various obstacles impact my well being. They create drama, they influence my attitude and they make me anxious.

They never bothered me as much in my youth. Tomorrow was a long way away, leaving me with the feeling I had forever to get it right. Everything was just a part of an exciting adventure when you are growing up.

Now, as I have reached the other side of 50, there is a sense of urgency. I know -or shall I say I think I know, where I want to go. Road blocks take up time and I am a little more aware of what that means. And that is the problem, we have this regimented vision of where we are going and anything that pops up we see as an obstacle.

When I focus on seeking beauty, it applies to everything and everyone. I really try and stop myself from getting caught in anxiety traps. A walk in nature is ideal, but if you cannot make that happen, do whatever you can to get out of your own way.

Yesterday was a perfect example of wasted time, unexpected problems and feelings of stress. When I realized what was happening, how I was reacting and what it was doing to my feelings of peace and happiness, I stopped and started positive self talk. I wish I had started doing that earlier in the day, breathing, letting go, taking myself out of the stress moment and focusing on what makes life pleasant. I stopped every controlling thought process and sought beauty, it transformed my day and reminded me how important it is to live in the moment.

When I seek beauty,  I know I am exactly where I am meant to be right now. I can accept and be at peace and know that each step forward is all that matters, not the horizon, just the step in front of me.

Faith, Featured

Intuition- Dare I say Faith

February 15, 2016

I have been working on listening to my intuition for over a year now. That little voice in our head that says something is wrong, or that feeling in your gut. I have taken it to another level where I am actually looking for clues, trying to live in the moment and see what has been placed in front of me as opposed to just getting to from point A to point B.

In this new light a number of things have happened. One instance was asking myself if I was making the right decision and walking outside to see a magnificent rainbow. That could be called coincidence but it felt glorious.

Another incident that happened a few months ago was far more profound. I had just left work and I was at a red light waiting to turn left, there was one car ahead of me. The light turned green and he did not move. Now I am not one to lean on the horn and think get moving you bleep bleep, I am more likely to give an uncomfortable beep to say oopsy you are day dreaming and have not noticed the light has changed :) On this day however, I stopped myself from honking, that little voice said be patient and wait. It seemed like an eternity but my friend ahead finally woke up and started to move…..Then life happened, he just missed being T-boned by a car that ran the red light at what seemed like a very high speed. Had I honked either he or I would have been hit, and when I say hit I mean hard. Had I honked and he had been hit I would have owned that guilt for the rest of my life. Had it been me that was hit, I would have had to have suffered those consequences whatever they were.

I have had a number of these situations over the course of my life and called them coincidences or weird. As time allows or when they come back to memory I hope to journal them or share them. It is something to think about and I would love to hear from others who have encountered similar moments. Times where you know there was something else at work, that side of life that we can not see or touch but know it is there.