In this crazy head

January 17, 2018

imageI am standing on the edge of the unknown and I love it. I am surrounded by uncertainty and limitless choices. I am at the gym, my, I quit smoking gift to myself. I am embracing this feeling of rejuvenation. With Music playing on my IPOD, to the rowing machine I go. I take a seat and I close my eyes and dream. I am in a boat and my oars are gliding through the water, I am moving fast and I am winning this one woman race. It makes me smile. There will be no looking back, no thoughts of fear or what if. I am passing other boats and I realize each one is me at a different place and time. Life is not passing me by, I am still in the race. I am not fading, I am gearing up, I am preparing. For what? I don’t know, but I feel it will be beautiful.

And so I begin the rebuild. The weights are awaiting. Stronger, wiser, braver. I have a head full of ideas, I play them out in my mind. Do any of them excite me? It does not matter to me what day of the week it is. I enjoy working, just not 9-5. Work on Saturday, play on Tuesday. If it’s 3:00 am and the idea hits me, get up and write. If it’s a perfect day to go for a walk, go for a walk. Someone needs a hand, drop what I am doing and give them a hand. A few scheduled meetings, some outings with friends. Spontaneous coffees, shovelling as the snow is falling. This is the life I want. This is freedom. This is unscheduled moments of bliss. I want to manifest this.

Next the 30 minute walk/ run on the treadmill begins. What of love, what does that look like? Not a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, but true love. Soul mate love. I imagine it looks like being there because there is no place I would rather be. It looks like Loving someone so much I want to crawl inside them. It looks like two magnificents of one never losing their individual souls. It looks like wanting to bring joy to the table and leave the rest at the door. It looks like respect and gratitude and appreciation. It looks like ups and downs yet still – arms always eager to embrace life and each other.  It looks like listening and sharing. It looks like space, there must always be plenty of space. Encouragement. Trust and faith. Truly I say acceptance. Uninhibited, unbridled, untethered. It is so free it is bound by choice. For this is love. No jealousy, no judgement, no possession. The intensity of emotions and passion that flows and communicates through mind, body and soul. Does such a love exist? I like to believe this to be true, I want to manifest this.

I leave the gym, showered and refreshed. With a skip in my step, I wonder why I feel so good. I crank up the tunes and drive away with a smile. The answer is so simple. I chose my thoughts and for 90 minutes I focused on joy. Sometimes happiness just seems so simple.


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