Below is an excerpt from my latest book “Birthing God”. It is based on 4 years of what started as spiritual R&D and quickly turned into powerful lessons from faith.
In parts of the book I discuss different events and use the journaling/ poetry/ thoughts I wrote at the time to capture the fear as it existed in that moment. I show the actions of faith I blindly surrendered to and how the outcomes have brought me peace, joy and happiness where logic dictated there was none to be had.
Escaping my ego captures my vulnerability a couple of years ago when I was trying to decide between selling my struggling business to save myself, or going into a risky partnership that might save jobs if circumstances proved ideal. Conventional business wisdom said sell, my soul said different. I listened to my soul and chose the partnership which I initially thought ended ugly. As the dust begins to settle, a new truth is unfolding. The unexpected gifts and revelations will be in the book. Life truly is a journey in learning to love.
I stand here amidst the chaos of my thoughts, wondering which avenue do I choose . I feel the anger and the resentments rising in my throat, hurling words against the walls that are slowly caving in around me. No, I will not go there. But go there I must, for the lifelines have all been used -except the last two. They are tangled and knotted. I don’t have the strength or the desire to fix them, and once they are gone, there will be nothing. But alas there will be need again, it has been written, it has been promised. As I look toward the future as a woman of logic, I know only a warrior would remain in this place, and I am no longer willing to feed that beast.
The ego stirs the flames- are you a quitter? Are you a pacifist? What captain abandons the sinking ship, what woman of courage would walk away?I do not know the answer, but the anger and resentments are killing me. The demands were not invited, were never part of the original dream. But they exist, they are here and if fairness were was not such a laughable goal, I could holler it is not fair and expect the world to make it right.
So I sit and I stare at the mess before me. I am frozen and dare not move. No human would ever choose to stay in this moment, but looking left and looking right, the options are no better. Perhaps they are worse- and then what? Looking to the future, what a horrifying sight. Me, curled up in a ball while the world looks on in judgment. See what you did! To us, to them, to everyone. You did this, you had the control and you let this happen. No, I dare not look there. I have seen what people do who have looked upon that sight. It is not pretty and many are no longer with us. So where does my gaze go? There is only one place, one choice to make.
I look up. It is what we must do, we people who have lost everything. We lie on the ground in agony, and wonder why we are now filling our fingernails with dirt? Are we trying to find a deeper bottom. Are we striving to find a hotter hell? Is this why we set our sights on what lies beneath the dirt? Falling is all we have known of late. We are comfortable knowing we did not die yet, but we are terrified of looking up. Terrified to be made a fool and see the answer was and always will be what we have mocked and dismissed as poppycock!
So I look up defiantly. I say pacifist, quitter! I give up. The words come out of my mouth and I do not like the taste. But what else do I do? I am done digging in the dirt. I know what lies there. I know inside that anger and resentment, each filthy piece of soil inside my fingernails holds the makings of my grave. Pacifist, why does that word seem so ugly? It is the echo of my ego and I struggle to choke it down. These are not my words, this is not the way I have chosen to live. The light, the love and the kindness, this is where I have been living and I know it is my faith that is wavering. I am blind and I cannot see the outcome. It is fear that makes these hands reach towards the dirt. That is the direction I would choose for that is where the ego guides me.
Look up, look up to where the light is shining. It is not the direction you thought you were headed, but it is where freedom from all this pain will be. Trust it, believe it. For in that dirt where the ego guides you lies the bottle. Lies the pain and misery and suffering you once fought so hard to escape. Let it go. Do not say pacifist. Say grace and courage. Turn that cheek in the midst of battle and say now, forever and always, I am no longer afraid. Faith under every and all circumstances. Faith that can never be broken. It is of the mind that has conquered the ego. The ego! Our only true enemy. It is all we fear for it is the cause of all fear. Not our sisters and our brothers, but our own ego is the kryptonite that will bring us down.
On this day however, I stopped myself from honking, that little voice said be patient and wait. It seemed like an eternity but my friend ahead finally woke up and started to move…..Then life happened, he just missed being T-boned by a car that ran the red light at what seemed like a very high speed. Had I honked either he or I would have been hit, and when I say hit I mean hard. Had I honked and he had been hit I would have owned that guilt for the rest of my life. Had it been me that was hit, I would have had to have suffered those consequences whatever they were.
